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Leaving to teach abroad, and leaving your partner.
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geekpie



Joined: 17 Oct 2006
Posts: 31

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 12:46 pm    Post subject: Leaving to teach abroad, and leaving your partner. Reply with quote

Are there many of you on here who had to leave a relationship (or are planning to) to teach English abroad? This is part of the dilemma that I'm sure a lot of people face.

In my case, I've been working towards my dream of teaching abroad for six years now, and will finally have my degree next year. I met my current partner two years ago, and whilst I made it clear to her I wanted to leave the country at the end of my uni course, things weren't serious then. Now we have a place together, and although we've discussed moving to Australia long term as a compromise solution I'm not sure if truthfully if either of us really take that seriously. I've been slogging on minimum wage for a while and the hope of getting out of here (UK) has kept me sane. I love my partner, so whichever decision I take there will be regrets, although I'm not so short sighted as to believe I won't ever meet anybody again. As I said before, it's a dilemma, and I'm just wondering what others' experiences are.
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Sashadroogie



Joined: 17 Apr 2007
Posts: 9354
Location: Moskva, The Workers' Paradise

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can't she come with you?
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naturegirl321



Joined: 04 May 2003
Posts: 8981
Location: home sweet home

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I left my husband twice to teach and he left me twice. It dependson the relationship. We usually spent about 5 months apart. Due to his new job, he'll probably be leaving once a year for 4 to 6 months as well.

Some jobs afford you the luxury of taking your partner with and them not having to work. More and more jobs can be done online, so that's also possible too. Make sure you both agree though.
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geekpie



Joined: 17 Oct 2006
Posts: 31

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sashadroogie wrote:
Can't she come with you?


Not an option unfortunately- she has a career as a nurse and is quite close to her family, whereas I check in by phone once a month (they live in Spain) and visit once a year.
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naturegirl321



Joined: 04 May 2003
Posts: 8981
Location: home sweet home

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

geekpie wrote:
Sashadroogie wrote:
Can't she come with you?


Not an option unfortunately- she has a career as a nurse and is quite close to her family, whereas I check in by phone once a month (they live in Spain) and visit once a year.


Then you have a lot of talking to do. Some options.
1. She quits and goes with you.
2. You leave and teach
3. You just teach camps during breaks
4. You look for short term job options, oike 5 or 6 months and then go back home and work there.
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spiral78



Joined: 05 Apr 2004
Posts: 9447
Location: On a Short Leash

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I left a long-term partner without a second thought way back when and have never thought twice about it since, so I'm perhaps not the best person to give advice on such a topic.

But one thought occurred to me:

You know the partner works for you but
you don't yet (really) know if teaching abroad is your cup of tea.

Perhaps try it for a year, arranging for visits home and visits to your location for her as often as possible, and then decide at the end of the first year if you're really definitely into teaching abroad long-term??
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Zero



Joined: 08 Sep 2004
Posts: 1402

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's the thing. The relationship is already gone. Kaput. You've emotionally bailed. Or perhaps you weren't ever fully in it in the first place. (This is what I suspect.) I can tell that by the fact that you're posting the message that you are, in the place that you are. It happens.

When you've been married for a while, sometimes there's a security in knowing that you can leave for a few months, work, come back, and everything's OK. This isn't that. When you've got a girlfriend and you consider her to be a foxy broad and you can't get enough of her, you don't up and f*&# off to teach ESL.

You didn't present maintaining a long-distance relationship as an option. So the only pieces of advice we could give you would be to stay home, or to go. And you're posting the question in an ESL forum Wink

Leave her, and no regrets!
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Glenski



Joined: 15 Jan 2003
Posts: 12844
Location: Hokkaido, JAPAN

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Other people have occasionally posted when they have serious doubts about leaving a partner behind. In most/all of those cases, they are pleading with the Cafe crowd for advice because they admit they just cannot bear to be separated. I don't get that exact feeling from you. Yes, you have a place together, and you admit feelings of love, but there is a bit of wanderlust in your writing, too.

Your 6-year-old dream seems stronger than a relationship. Just my impression. While I didn't leave anyone behind, I would suggest that since you have already talked about your dream for 2 years with your partner, you have to decide whether you want to even stay in touch. By all means go, but there are cheap ways to remain in touch (email, Skype). You could agree to exchange such communications on a regular basis, and if either of you has an opportunity to visit the other in person, do that, but I suspect those visits would only amount to once in a year max. Best would be if she could visit you, not vice versa, IMO.

Reevaluate during the time you are abroad, but both of you must be aware that your feelings about the new country will be very strong early on.
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MarkM



Joined: 28 Apr 2011
Posts: 55
Location: Lianyungang, China

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 11:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

geekpie wrote:
Sashadroogie wrote:
Can't she come with you?


Not an option unfortunately- she has a career as a nurse and is quite close to her family,.....

In other words, you want different things. She is not prepared to put her career on hold and join you in your dream adventure. What does this tell you?
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Guy Courchesne



Joined: 10 Mar 2003
Posts: 9399
Location: Mexico City

PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 1:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a relationship ender, without doubt. You won't be the same people when you meet again. That you bring it up as a topic should be the biggest indicator.
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naturegirl321



Joined: 04 May 2003
Posts: 8981
Location: home sweet home

PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You should be prepared for the worst as people said. For us, it was give and take. I spent 6 years with him, hating my job, and living where he wanted. NOw the shoe's on the other foot and he's following me. It CAN work, but you need to talk first.
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Zero



Joined: 08 Sep 2004
Posts: 1402

PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There are several ways to go about this, by the way.

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
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MotherF



Joined: 07 Jun 2010
Posts: 1128
Location: 1748'N 9746'W

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think relationships made in TEFL work better than relationship that were pre-TEFL.

I started out in TEFL with a boyfriend in tow. We made it through the first country, but fell apart in the second.
With hindsight, I think being abroad masked problems that were there and the relationship actually lasted longer than it would have if we'd stayed home.

If you are both the same nationality, you have to both want to do this. Don't compare such relationship to the multinational relationship that are very common in this field.
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mudl



Joined: 15 Apr 2011
Posts: 8
Location: Sakai, Osaka, Japan

PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

spiral78 wrote:
I left a long-term partner without a second thought way back when and have never thought twice about it since, so I'm perhaps not the best person to give advice on such a topic.

But one thought occurred to me:

You know the partner works for you but
you don't yet (really) know if teaching abroad is your cup of tea.

Perhaps try it for a year, arranging for visits home and visits to your location for her as often as possible, and then decide at the end of the first year if you're really definitely into teaching abroad long-term??


I'm about to embark on a similar emotional journey. Living apart has gotten easier. Skype, Facetime, constant free chat on Skype/GoogleChat/Facebook, ETC.

Plane tickets aren't that bad, and usually your breaks can coincide. PLUS he/she'll get to visit an amazing place too. Hopefully you're in a relationship where you'll be friends no matter what, so the partner can book the tickets and then at the very least you're getting to share some really wonderful experiences (as friends or as a couple).

The immediate gut human reaction is to freak out and think it'd never work. In reality you'll probably both have a hard time finding another partner you care about quickly. But if you do, just be honest about it. It's not the civil war, it's not like you're going away forever and can't communicate and don't know when you'll be back.
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Zero



Joined: 08 Sep 2004
Posts: 1402

PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

mudl wrote:
spiral78 wrote:
I left a long-term partner without a second thought way back when and have never thought twice about it since, so I'm perhaps not the best person to give advice on such a topic.

But one thought occurred to me:

You know the partner works for you but
you don't yet (really) know if teaching abroad is your cup of tea.

Perhaps try it for a year, arranging for visits home and visits to your location for her as often as possible, and then decide at the end of the first year if you're really definitely into teaching abroad long-term??


I'm about to embark on a similar emotional journey. Living apart has gotten easier. Skype, Facetime, constant free chat on Skype/GoogleChat/Facebook, ETC.

Plane tickets aren't that bad, and usually your breaks can coincide. PLUS he/she'll get to visit an amazing place too. Hopefully you're in a relationship where you'll be friends no matter what, so the partner can book the tickets and then at the very least you're getting to share some really wonderful experiences (as friends or as a couple).

The immediate gut human reaction is to freak out and think it'd never work. In reality you'll probably both have a hard time finding another partner you care about quickly. But if you do, just be honest about it. It's not the civil war, it's not like you're going away forever and can't communicate and don't know when you'll be back.


Tee hee ... what are you, 20?
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