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Marrying a Cambodian girl : in-laws advice
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anbrainblasta



Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 8:12 am    Post subject: Marrying a Cambodian girl : in-laws advice Reply with quote

Hi folks,
I need a heads-up from anyone who might have gone down the road I'm about to venture.

A year and a half ago I met a gorgeous Camodian girl during my winter break from my job in Korea. We kept in touch for a year and I went down here again this winter past to spend a week with her and her family. We decided to get married at the end of this year and start a life here in Korea thereafter.

My trouble is here in-laws are making persistant requests for money. Examples are an inflated price for the wedding (5000 dollars for a home wedding in the provinces) and 1000 dollars for home improvements. Thee just he big ones. When I sent her money for a passport a couple of months ago the parents took it from her and chucked off to Ankor Watt for a long weekend.

I'm in a tight fix with cash. All in, I reckon I'm being set back about 10,000 dollars to make this happen, pretty much everything I own. I'm feeling sick right now because I think I'm being seen as a rich-foreigner-cash machine by her in-laws and the consant requests will just continue indefinetly.

So has anyone been through this. I'd lie to hear your stories if you have.
Many thanks
ANB
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Steinmann



Joined: 17 Mar 2009
Posts: 254
Location: In the frozen north

PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2011 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I believe I'd have a rather frank word or two with the missus-to-be...something along the lines of, "Baby, I want to be with you forever, but you gotta grow a pair of she-balls and tell mom and pop to step off. Big Daddy ain't made of money."

Next, if I still had a fiancée, I'd probably communicate to the future in-laws that I consider the bride-price to be paid in full and that in the future they should expect nothing more from me than an occasional Christmas card and perhaps a couple of grandchildren.

Next, if I still had a fiancée, I'd get her tiny little butt outta there and get on with life. You only get to do it once.

Then, fiancée or no, I'd find a bar.

But that's just me.
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anbrainblasta



Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2011 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cheers Steinmann,
When down there last winter I found her folks all meek and humble, butter not melting in the mouth types. They've grown pretty brazen in the meantime. She told me they were angry when I refused the 1000 dollar home improvement charge.

Well Ill be down there again this end of July and there's going to be a fairly straightforwrd round-table.

Thankfully her uncle has really good English and Ill be using him to converse with them. Ive told her how much Im sickened by these requests and she completely understands. She hates asking but I think feels compeled to carry out parental orders.

In fairness to the in-laws I think Ive given them the impression Im loaded. Ive sent her 50 dollars a month since January to both give her a comfortable last year in the country and create a genuine paper trail as Cambodian officialdom is cracking down on suspect international marraiges.

She's such a sweetheart. She takes the money and puts it into the household coffers. All she spends on herself in phone credit to send me messages. Im just dissappointed with them. They couldn't just have been satisfied with the steady trickle, a substantial amount in their terms. Suffice is to say that my generosity has expired and the money transfers have stopped.

Sorry for badgering on to anyone who's read this. Ive no one to talk to about it. My folks or friends wouldn't be to pleased to hear and I fear that if they did negative dispersions might be cast in the g-friends direction.

Cheers again Steinmann
ANB
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Steinmann



Joined: 17 Mar 2009
Posts: 254
Location: In the frozen north

PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2011 9:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

anbrainblasta wrote:
Cheers Steinmann,


No sweat, brother. We're all in this together, right?

anbrainblasta wrote:
She told me they were angry when I refused the 1000 dollar home improvement charge.


Bad sign, indicative of a poor but reversible attitude. Just let them know that you won't be bullied.

anbrainblasta wrote:
Well Ill be down there again this end of July and there's going to be a fairly straightforwrd round-table.


Yep. I would give her parents all due respect, but at the same time I'd be very clear on where I stand. It sounds like a negotiation is building, and everyone at a negotiation table wants to win. Let them feel as though they've won, then. You'd like to have them on your side, if possible, no? After all, you get the girl in the end. That's a definite win.

anbrainblasta wrote:
She hates asking but I think feels compeled to carry out parental orders.


Admirable. Consider that the same qualities which make her such a dutiful daughter also lend themselves to her becoming your dutiful wife. Just be firm or pliable as makes sense - you know more about the culture than I.

anbrainblasta wrote:
In fairness to the in-laws I think Ive given them the impression Im loaded. Ive sent her 50 dollars a month since January to both give her a comfortable last year in the country and create a genuine paper trail as Cambodian officialdom is cracking down on suspect international marraiges.

She's such a sweetheart. She takes the money and puts it into the household coffers. All she spends on herself in phone credit to send me messages. Im just dissappointed with them. They couldn't just have been satisfied with the steady trickle, a substantial amount in their terms. Suffice is to say that my generosity has expired and the money transfers have stopped.


Again, I say draw the line with the folks and stick to it, but if the local culture dictates that you be flexible, then go with that. With the girl, act according to your conscience.

anbrainblasta wrote:
Sorry for badgering on to anyone who's read this. Ive no one to talk to about it. My folks or friends wouldn't be to pleased to hear and I fear that if they did negative dispersions might be cast in the g-friends direction.


Relax. Everyone needs an ear every now and again.

It's your life, man. Listen to those whom you trust, but don't let anyone tell you how to run it. Grab your gal and handle your business.

anbrainblasta wrote:
Cheers again Steinmann
ANB


Ya man! Let us know how it goes.
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Skyblue2



Joined: 04 Sep 2007
Posts: 127

PostPosted: Fri May 27, 2011 4:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Steinmann wrote:
I believe I'd have a rather frank word or two with the missus-to-be...something along the lines of, "Baby, I want to be with you forever, but you gotta grow a pair of she-balls and tell mom and pop to step off. Big Daddy ain't made of money."

In Cambodia, family always trumps husband.

And your commitment to her parents is going to be lifelong, because her commitment to them is going to be lifelong.

She's going to be going back to help them out when they "get sick" (and she's bored) after a short spell in Cambodia.

You're in the same situation that thousands now regret.

MOD EDIT

Proceed at your own peril.
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Steinmann



Joined: 17 Mar 2009
Posts: 254
Location: In the frozen north

PostPosted: Fri May 27, 2011 6:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Skyblue2 wrote:
Steinmann wrote:
I believe I'd have a rather frank word or two with the missus-to-be...something along the lines of, "Baby, I want to be with you forever, but you gotta grow a pair of she-balls and tell mom and pop to step off. Big Daddy ain't made of money."

In Cambodia, family always trumps husband.

And your commitment to her parents is going to be lifelong, because her commitment to them is going to be lifelong.

She's going to be going back to help them out when they "get sick" (and she's bored) after a short spell in Cambodia.

You're in the same situation that thousands now regret.

MOD EDIT
Proceed at your own peril.


Yes, well...there is that.
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bobpen



Joined: 04 Mar 2011
Posts: 89

PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2011 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
....My trouble is here in-laws are making persistant requests for money. Examples are an inflated price for the wedding (5000 dollars for a home wedding in the provinces) and 1000 dollars for home improvements. Thee just he big ones. When I sent her money for a passport a couple of months ago the parents took it from her and chucked off to Ankor Watt for a long weekend. ....


Wow, the entire original post reads like the classic Asia nightmare, nearly an everyday occurrence in most of SE Asia, but even goes on up in the richer countries as well (i.e. Korea). Put everything on hold, indefinitely.
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Mr. English



Joined: 25 Nov 2009
Posts: 273
Location: Guangzhou, China

PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 10:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"I reckon I'm being set back about 10,000 dollars to make this happen, pretty much everything I own. I'm feeling sick right now because I think I'm being seen as a rich-foreigner-cash machine by her in-laws and the consant requests will just continue indefinetly"

I suggest that you have waited far too long to draw the line. $10,000 !?!?! You must decide for yourself of course, but I wouldn't give them another nickel. If your woman is serious, let her come to Korea and marry her there. If you go forward with a marriage in Cambodia you will undoubtedly be pressured left and right for more.
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Mr. English



Joined: 25 Nov 2009
Posts: 273
Location: Guangzhou, China

PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 12:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It just dawned on me that I know nothing about marriage laws in Korea. If two foreigners can't marry there, you can get married in Hong Kong. Bump around on the web and you can find the rules. I believe you only need to post notice 25 days in advance, and if Hong Kong is too pricey, you can have your honeymoon somewhere in China while you are waiting; you don't have to stay in Hong Kong for the 25 days.
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Zero



Joined: 08 Sep 2004
Posts: 1402

PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suspect she's as much a part of the shakedown as her parents are. I personally would disengage, but that's just me.
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Insubordination



Joined: 07 Nov 2007
Posts: 391
Location: Sydney

PostPosted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 4:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't believe I'm quoting Dr Phil, but he said, "You teach people how to treat you." What are you teaching these people?
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Timberdan



Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Posts: 20

PostPosted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 10:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How often have you seen this girl?
I don't mean to be negative, but you have to make sure she isn't using you. I've heard the story many times in Asia. A cute girl tells you everything you want to hear in order to take more and more money from you.
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justanuglypinoyteacher



Joined: 22 Jun 2011
Posts: 13
Location: Lipa City, Philippines

PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

the concept of "love" is a western culture. Money is a universal idea....lol. I'm married to an Asian woman who has been nagging me for more and more money - for more than 15 years. although its great being the man.....but it does suck having to deal with everything to do with finances. Try to think Asian....find a cheaper woman...lol
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posh



Joined: 22 Oct 2010
Posts: 430

PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2011 10:16 pm    Post subject: Re: Marrying a Cambodian girl : in-laws advice Reply with quote

anbrainblasta wrote:
1000 dollars for home improvements.


Just wait until they fancy European vacations and a landscaped Japanese garden.

It seems you haven't known her long and you're throwing your life savings at her. Many cultures have a dowry for daughters who wouldn't otherwise be of much financial use and naturally the more $ the better the deal. And in cambodia $10,000 must be a fortune.
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ChrisTeacher



Joined: 14 Apr 2011
Posts: 9
Location: Philadelphia, PA

PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 9:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why not spend your $10,000 feeding beggars while volunteering to clear land mines in recompense for the English speaking armies, military and fiscal, who destroyed your "gorgeous Cambodian girl's" civilization?

Better than purchasing her on $50 per month lay away, no?
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