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Korean GF rushing to get married
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HANGRY



Joined: 04 Feb 2011

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:47 pm    Post subject: Korean GF rushing to get married Reply with quote

I've been seeing my girlfriend for a little over a year now. Recently, I took her back home to meet my parents. However, the very night we returned back to Korea, she and her mother start dalking about trying to set up a0wedding this summer.

I mean, Yeah, we talk about marriage a lot. I want to marry her, but god damn, I haven't even proposed yet and they they are trying to set the date.

According to her, this is a Korean thing, but damned if I know anything about that.

I don't understand the rush, maybe because she is 29 Korean age or whatever. Still, marriage requires a large sum of money that I just don't have right now. She is talking about wedding jewelry SETS. Hanboks. A Honeymoon overseas. Thank god her parents are paying for the ceremony itself. All this is well and good if I had time to prepare, but we are talking less than half a year to scratch enough together for everything.

Now, she is trying to set me up with tutoring jobs just to get money to save up.

Is this ModEdit crazy as I'm thinking that it is? You guys married to Koreans go through this too?
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chrisblank



Joined: 14 Aug 2009
Location: Incheon

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You took her back home to meet your parents. That, from a Korean viewpoint, means you want to marry her.

Koreans generally don't introduce boy - girlfriends to parents unless they are looking at potential mates. And you took her all the way back home, so guess what? You're getting married.

My wife set up privates for me. My buddies wives did the same. Saved up for wedding. Saved up for house. Now, five years on, we have a place that we own outright. Worked for me.
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T-J



Joined: 10 Oct 2008
Location: Seoul EunpyungGu Yonshinnae

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:01 pm    Post subject: Re: Korean GF rushing to get married Reply with quote

HANGRY wrote:


Is this ModEdit crazy as I'm thinking that it is?

You guys married to Koreans go through this too?


Nope.

Yep.

Eighteen years on and not a single complaint.
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HANGRY



Joined: 04 Feb 2011

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I guess the culture shock combined with the fear of manning up has been getting to me. I'll just grow up and handle my business. Thanks for the perspective fellas.
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Hugo85



Joined: 27 Aug 2010

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You two talked about marriage, depending to what extent you two talked about it, she might only have taken a short step forward to actually planning marriage. I think in Korea the proposal itself is not as important. Plus, she's a few months from her expiry date as a Korean woman.
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Scott in Incheon



Joined: 30 Aug 2004

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, you don't to buy the jewelry sets...nor the Hanboks...though I would take the overseas honeymoon.

When I got married, my wife and I discuss all the aspects of the marriage and decided that we weren't going to go through with all of Korea's wedding customs.

Her parents paid for the wedding because they wanted a big one....they also took all the money from the wedding.

We didn't exchange jewelry/watch sets....we didn't buy Hhanboks....we took a quick trip to Sorak-san for our first honeymoon....and then a longer trip a few months later when I had some time off.

Talk with your wife about what she wants, what her parents want, what your parents might want, and about what you want....then figure out a wedding...
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beckett



Joined: 22 Jul 2009
Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alarm bells would be ringing off for me. This kind of pushiness is probably going to be indicative of what will happen throughout the marriage. Next it will be kids, extra hours working for their education, apartment, etc etc. You've only been dating for a year. Are you really sure you wanna marry this girl? I'm amazed at the amount of foreign dudes here, who get blinded by these hot Korean girls, and start talking about marriage. Divorce stats are high enough, then throw in the cultural differences.

Approach with caution and seriosuly consider what you're about to do. It's gonna be one of, if not the, biggest decisions of your life. Don't get manipulated into doing something you're not sure about.
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Seoulman69



Joined: 14 Dec 2009

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 2:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
According to her, this is a Korean thing, but damned if I know anything about that.


Prepare to hear that mantra for the rest of your life. How about saying to her "I'm not Korean so we're going to have to compromise."
I've been with my girl for 3 years and she has met my family. I've met her family. She has never pushed me into marriage. I need to get qualifications and learn some Korean that improve my position in Korea before I make the biggest decision of my life.
Don't be pushed into marriage if you are not ready. You'll regret it for the rest of your life. Also be aware of her potentially getting pregnant as a way of forcing your hand.

As an aside, are your parents well off?
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bbud656



Joined: 15 Jun 2010

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds pretty standard. I know couples (Korean) that have gotten married after 3 months of dating and no one thought it was too absurd. My gf's brother actually proposed to his wife the day after the wedding. He was too busy planning the wedding for 2+ years, that he didnt have time for the proposal. I guess its kind of like having a checklist of what you need to do and not caring particularly when or how you do it.

My gf turned the pressure up when she was getting near the ripe old age of 28 and I had to sit down and talk to her about our future and what she wanted. It worked out better than expected. She was happy that I put thought into our future and agreed with me on a lot of my points. Since then we have plans, but no pressure on set dates, etc.

Also, if she wants you to work to save for the wedding and married life, I would recommend you make sure she contributes a decent percentage to the pot as well. I've seen guys get pimped out round the clock for lessons and get an allowance for pay because its how its done in Korea. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You also might encourage her to spend more time updating her skill set and less time wedding planning if you two plan on living outside Korea (assuming she doesnt have a degree from outside Korea). One income families might be possible here, but they aren't as glamorous back where I'm from .


Last edited by bbud656 on Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:45 am; edited 1 time in total
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tran.huongthu



Joined: 23 May 2011

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

beckett wrote:
Alarm bells would be ringing off for me. This kind of pushiness is probably going to be indicative of what will happen throughout the marriage. Next it will be kids, extra hours working for their education, apartment, etc etc. You've only been dating for a year. Are you really sure you wanna marry this girl? I'm amazed at the amount of foreign dudes here, who get blinded by these hot Korean girls, and start talking about marriage. Divorce stats are high enough, then throw in the cultural differences.

Approach with caution and seriosuly consider what you're about to do. It's gonna be one of, if not the, biggest decisions of your life. Don't get manipulated into doing something you're not sure about.


Have you really known her for long enough? Did her past relationships end poorly? Does she exhibit erratic behavior? Do people talk bad about her or does she have very few friends? Has her family fallen on hard times? Would she be willing to learn English and work back home? Can you 100% accept Korean culture?

I've probably seen the same things as beckett and thats guys getting into serious relationships only to regret it later because of the heavy burden, cultural differences as well as the change that their significant other has undergone. (she was just being fake the whole time)Some guys get hooked and learn from their mistakes the hard way but hopefully your situation is different.
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misher



Joined: 14 Oct 2008

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 8:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was with a girl for 3 years and after 8 months of being together she pressured for marriage. I didn't have the money or the job for marriage or to even support her lavish lifestyle that she never paid a penny for. I also wasn't going in debt to her father for the rest of my life. Although she was one of the sweetest girls I've ever met (she was also horribly naive, especially about the value of money)I chose to end it because it simply wasn't fair to her. I felt horrible because I basically wasted her time from age 26-28. HOWEVER, She got engaged 4 months after we broke up and is now happily married to a Korean guy that comes from the pedigree to afford what she needs.

Considering it has been over one year and she is 29, she isn't exactly being unreasonable IMO.

The ball is basically in your court. I know it feels rushed but she is Korean and if you love her put up or shut up. It's simply not fair for her to wait around 3-4 years until you have it together to marry her. Who knows, by then it may not work out and then she is 33 and pretty much unable to get married.

To the posters saying that she should also compromise...what does that exactly mean? Wait around for 3-4 years? That simply isn't fair because her compromise will have huge consequences as a Korean woman. For western guys, well, we have it pretty easy IMO. Get married or not with advantages to both sides. Korean women pretty much have to get married or live their lives as social outcasts.
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PatrickGHBusan



Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Location: Busan (1997-2008) Canada 2008 -

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I took my wife (gf at the time) to Canada about 8 months after we started dating (1998ish). I cleared it with her old man before we left for Canada for a vacation. She met my family, we had a great vacation and came back to Korea. We wanted to get married but had not decided on a clear date. Her mom started planning the wedding with my gf. Laughing

At the end of the day it was no big deal since we did want to marry, just roll with it (if you do want to marry of course!). 14 years later, we are happy with two wondeful kids.

Good luck OP.

As for that nonsense about Korean wives using the "it is the Korean way" to get what they want, thats hogwash...my wife never used that line.
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hiamnotcool



Joined: 06 Feb 2012

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 3:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

misher wrote:
I was with a girl for 3 years and after 8 months of being together she pressured for marriage. I didn't have the money or the job for marriage or to even support her lavish lifestyle that she never paid a penny for. I also wasn't going in debt to her father for the rest of my life. Although she was one of the sweetest girls I've ever met (she was also horribly naive, especially about the value of money)I chose to end it because it simply wasn't fair to her. I felt horrible because I basically wasted her time from age 26-28. HOWEVER, She got engaged 4 months after we broke up and is now happily married to a Korean guy that comes from the pedigree to afford what she needs.

Considering it has been over one year and she is 29, she isn't exactly being unreasonable IMO.

The ball is basically in your court. I know it feels rushed but she is Korean and if you love her put up or shut up. It's simply not fair for her to wait around 3-4 years until you have it together to marry her. Who knows, by then it may not work out and then she is 33 and pretty much unable to get married.

To the posters saying that she should also compromise...what does that exactly mean? Wait around for 3-4 years? That simply isn't fair because her compromise will have huge consequences as a Korean woman. For western guys, well, we have it pretty easy IMO. Get married or not with advantages to both sides. Korean women pretty much have to get married or live their lives as social outcasts.


I pretty much agree with this. That 30 mark is a big deal in Korea. Figure out what you want to do and be straight up with her.
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kinship



Joined: 24 Jan 2013

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 3:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Still, marriage requires a large sum of money that I just don't have right now.


I do not know how many people of my grandparents and parents generation who said that when they got married they didn't have any money but they had strong marriages because they faced what life brought together.

Not everything needs to be about money and if you wait till you have enough, you will never get married. Struggling is not necessarily a bad thing
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northway



Joined: 05 Jul 2010

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

misher wrote:
I was with a girl for 3 years and after 8 months of being together she pressured for marriage. I didn't have the money or the job for marriage or to even support her lavish lifestyle that she never paid a penny for. I also wasn't going in debt to her father for the rest of my life. Although she was one of the sweetest girls I've ever met (she was also horribly naive, especially about the value of money)I chose to end it because it simply wasn't fair to her. I felt horrible because I basically wasted her time from age 26-28. HOWEVER, She got engaged 4 months after we broke up and is now happily married to a Korean guy that comes from the pedigree to afford what she needs.

Considering it has been over one year and she is 29, she isn't exactly being unreasonable IMO.

The ball is basically in your court. I know it feels rushed but she is Korean and if you love her put up or shut up. It's simply not fair for her to wait around 3-4 years until you have it together to marry her. Who knows, by then it may not work out and then she is 33 and pretty much unable to get married.

To the posters saying that she should also compromise...what does that exactly mean? Wait around for 3-4 years? That simply isn't fair because her compromise will have huge consequences as a Korean woman. For western guys, well, we have it pretty easy IMO. Get married or not with advantages to both sides. Korean women pretty much have to get married or live their lives as social outcasts.


This is a great post, and gets at most of the reasons why I didn't stay in Korea myself. I didn't think I was ready (turning 27 this year), and I didn't feel comfortable with the potentiality that we might not end up together after staying together another couple years, as she's thirty Korean-age now. In the States, we'd be one school year apart, hardly anything, yet as a 26 year old Western-aged male foreigner and a 30 year old Korean-aged Korean female, there's a pretty huge gap in where you need your life to go in the short-term.

Bottom line: she should be rushing to get married. You don't have to accommodate that, but you kind of need to make a choice.
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