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getting married...
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Ryst Helmut



Joined: 26 Apr 2003
Location: In search of the elusive signature...

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2003 7:57 pm    Post subject: BOLLOCKS! Reply with quote

Hogwash, balderdash!!!!

Lemme meet these people and explain the word greed, at least tact. I've been married to a Korean (whose family is not well-to-do, where as my folks are multi-millionaires) for years. I do not post the money issue to brag, but rather to show that even with such differences, my in-laws have NEVER made it a point to take my money. In fact, they are wanting to give us about $800,000US worth of land. Yeah, I know, nothing in life is free. We will, in the end, support them...but that is after give and take. THey could easily sell the land, and live well...but rather choose to give it to us...I see it as give and take, and they help us out immensely. Not to mention they want us to have kids here so they can take care of them for us.

I am moving in with them (quit job and attending language school), so I felt that I ought to do something in kind. New wallpaper throughout the house, bedroom flooring, and new everything in the bathrooms...getting them to agree was like pulling teeth. I had to have a team sneak in while they were out to get it done...'course, Momma is all happy with the new look. My in-laws want us to save our money, work hard, and enjoy ourselves. Of course, they already know that we will support them later in life, as my wife's two younger brothers are dense as balls, and will make 2,000 won an hour for life..... Then again, supporting them ain't gonna be hard with their lifestyle.

My wife says the girl's family are looneys...sorry, mate. Like others, over the years we've only given parents and grandparents money (even younger brothers when needed) during the holidays (100,000 won per person) and on birthdays gifts. This past week was Dad's b-day, he didn't want anything from us because we spent so much on the house schtuff.

I think we've got to come up with a Korean word for "golddigger," as there isn't one.

Shoosh,

Ryst
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anae



Joined: 13 May 2003
Location: cowtown

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2003 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I may be wrong here, but -

my interpretation of Ratlash's account is that his finacee wanted to give money to her parents out of her own sense of duty or obligation - not that her parents asked or demanded it. Perhaps they don't know of her plan and wouldn't even accept the money.
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ratslash



Joined: 08 May 2003

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2003 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

exactly anae.

we were just talking on the phone and she dropped this kind of bomb on me that she would like to give her parents some money to say thank you. nobody is demanding it. she just thought it would be a nice thing to do. they have supported her a lot. she studies at ewha and parents paid for her to study english in nz for a year.

canadaman wrote what i said to her. you don't need to say thank you, it is your parents job to look after her. hard for me to get my head round at first but so long as she is working, which she seems keen to do, when we are married i won't mind paying the money.

some good thoughts have been posted so far. thanks for the advice and tips.

take care.
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makushi



Joined: 08 Jun 2003

PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2003 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

justagirl wrote:
Also, I didn't mention before, but now will, both couples "had" to buy their Korean in-laws an appropriate, expensive "thank you" gift when they got married. (over 500,000) Of course "have to" is meant as cultural pressure.


sorry for the edit--misread something!


You all been takin for a ride...suckers!
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makushi



Joined: 08 Jun 2003

PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2003 12:42 am    Post subject: Re: BOLLOCKS! Reply with quote

Ryst Helmut wrote:
Hogwash, balderdash!!!!



Exactly!
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dutchman



Joined: 23 Jan 2003
Location: My backyard

PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2003 2:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Homer wrote:

Ratlash what you are telling us about is just not the norm. The asking for money to "thank her parents" is not a korean tradition.


All of my wife's married friends (Korean-Korean couples) give money every month to the husband's parents. Some of them give money to both parents. You're right. It is not the norm to give money to the wife's parents. It is very much the norm to give money to the husband's parents.

My in-laws gave us 45 million when we got married. I insisted we pay them 300,000 won a month. My wife thought it was silly and my in-laws didn't want it at first. But we're still paying it and will be as long as we can.
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Homer
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2003 5:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Justagirl,

Better check your "facts"....this money that "poof" goes to the parents is to repay the expenses they incured for thr wedding. Its the most natural thing to do.
As for "having nothing to start married life with" well our parents both mine and hers gave us things called "wedding gifts". Ever hear of those justagirl? You know, my parents sent us money to buy a new bedroom set.
Her parents bought us appliances and other family members bought stuff or gave us money.

As for your list of what keeps a marriage going. It is very true. But my question is this: Why would people in a marriage should automatically not feel "loving" anymore after a certain point?

Finally as for the money per month thing. It is not standard and should be viewed as something strange for a person to ask for his or her parents.
Perhaps there was misscommunication there or perhaps this is just a bad sign for ratlash....
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justagirl



Joined: 17 Jan 2003
Location: Cheonan/Portland

PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2003 6:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ratslash--

I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea about marrying your sweetie. As I was writing to you, I'll let you know that I wasn't trying to discourage you, but let you know about one thing I, and my other friends, have found out about in marrying Koreans. Again, I state that it's not bad, it's just something that you might not have known. I feel it's always better to know in advance, than to have expectations about something such as money, that aren't met. In any case, no purposeful misleading or lies were in my previous 2 posts.

A sidenote in the first post was that there needs to be more than love to keep a relationship going. I'm just passionate about relationships because there are so many in the world that are torn apart by selfishness and distrust. I know you didn't ask about what makes a good relationship Very Happy , but I threw it in, cause it's done wonders for me and my husband.

I truly do wish the best for you and yours.
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mongrel



Joined: 29 Jan 2003

PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2003 6:57 pm    Post subject: getting married Reply with quote

do koreans save for their later years, retirement etc? from the little i've heard they seem to become a burden on the eldest child. my mother would be mortified to be in this position. parents, usually, work very hard and sacrifice a lot so that their children have a good start in life and, as far as i know, expect nothing but love in return. paying a 'tribute' each month to thank the parents for raising you seems pretty awful to me. sure, if they're sick or the circumstances are unusual, there would be a need to help out. only ratslash and his gf know all the details, but looking from the outside, this seems fairly wacky.
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rapier



Joined: 16 Feb 2003

PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2003 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hardy and Tiny spoke earlier of his brush with a Vietnamese woman...I echo his practical concerns about marrying someone of a different culture.
However, Not to ridicule H&T, but he obviously got what he deserved there. If you go out to get a trophy wife, and market yourself as the big rich westerner, you'll end up with nothing more than a commercial transaction where money is all important and you have to live up to your side of the bargain.
This scenario can occur in your home country as well, money grabbing women/men aren't unique to poor countries like Vietnam. You can be taken on an equally painful ride back home as well.
I refuse to believe that Vietnamese/ Thais are purely out to extort money from westerners by faking a romantic affair. It happens, of course, but there are plenty of Thais who are good people- I've met them.
It depends what you give, as well. If you give love and honesty, you generally get it back. If you set out to take a pretty bride based on the fact that you can offer her a better financial future, this is purely what you'll end up doing..

The language barrier is daunting, but not insurmountable. Personally i think its a beautiful and courageous thing for a mixed race/ culture ccouple to embark on a relationship based on love and trust.
Which is precisely why a big expensive wedding shouldn't be an issue; neither should the in-laws have marked out your expected future earnings and divided up the proceeds.
Its good to take in other cultural viewpoints, but remember your own is equally valid....
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Gord



Joined: 25 Feb 2003

PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2003 1:04 am    Post subject: Re: getting married Reply with quote

mongrel wrote:
do koreans save for their later years, retirement etc? from the little i've heard they seem to become a burden on the eldest child. my mother would be mortified to be in this position. parents, usually, work very hard and sacrifice a lot so that their children have a good start in life and, as far as i know, expect nothing but love in return. paying a 'tribute' each month to thank the parents for raising you seems pretty awful to me. sure, if they're sick or the circumstances are unusual, there would be a need to help out. only ratslash and his gf know all the details, but looking from the outside, this seems fairly wacky.


Your mother lives in a country with a socialist system that provides enough money to live on thanks to social security and pensions of both a government and private variety. Elderly Koreans have a handout a fraction of that amount.

Apples and oranges this comparison is.
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mongrel



Joined: 29 Jan 2003

PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2003 4:13 pm    Post subject: getting married Reply with quote

gord, still doesn't answer the question of whether they save any money before their retirement here. my mum lives in nz and if you think you can just retire there and rely on the government for handouts you're mistaken. some people take responsiblity for their own old age. they pay way less income tax here, so basically it's up to the individual to look after themselves. makes sense in a lot of ways as there is a lot of tax money wasted. getting away from the original point a bit anyway.
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