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Korean Job Discussion Forums "The Internet's Meeting Place for ESL/EFL Teachers from Around the World!"
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b.rabbit
Joined: 14 Feb 2012
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:05 am Post subject: Adult Student Crushes? |
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Has anyone had any experience with their adult students forming a crush on them? I mostly teach older Korean business men (28 - 40yr) and a few of them seem to have formed a crush on me.
The thing is, they are usually married and while they don't actively do anything about the crush, sometimes they will say stuff like "I wish I wasn't married, etc." Or comment on how they don't like married life much, etc.
I usually just laugh it off or change the subject, but it does weird me out a bit. Even when they aren't married, I sometimes get a strange vibe...
Is this just me being paranoid and overly sensitive, or has this happened to other adult English teachers as well? I admit that part of my teaching style is to be really friendly, smile a lot and crack jokes with my students for laughs. However, I don't think I ever cross any lines or act in a way that would indicate more than just a general friendship at most.
I'm a casual teacher and like to keep my students laughing, but I also want to avoid any awkwardness in the future by having one (single or not) ask me out or ask for my personal contact details. Maybe I'm just being full of myself, but I can't shake the weird feeling I sometimes get from certain adult students. How do other teachers form clear boundaries?
On the flip side, has an English teacher actually gone out with one of their adult students for drinks or dinner? I will go out with my students if it is in a class group, but I don't think I would one-on-one. It just seems a bit odd if you are of opposite genders. At least this seems to be the case in Korea.
Any stories or advice? |
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YTMND
Joined: 16 Jan 2012 Location: You're the man now dog!!
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:21 am Post subject: |
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I have always felt more comfortable going out to eat or doing something than talk to students online. When it's online it seems like it is more secretive and they don't want others to know. But in public, I don't see what the problem is. Korea was the main country I opened up more in because the culture is set up to cater to 2 people. When you go to a restaurant you have to order for 2 people, you can't order one thing for one person and have something else for the other. They prefer to serve in sets. It's the whole, "If you eat alone, you don't have friends." Korean philosophy.
I don't think this is an issue you have with your students but rather being with any person of the opposite sex. I have noticed Westerners and Chinese often feel this way, but Japanese and Koreans are more group oriented so they don't see the problem with hanging out in twos. Chinese will hang out in a herd, so when it's only 2 people, it's awkward to them.
Learn to accept restaurants or coffee shops for meeting places. Stay away from noraebangs and bars unless it's in groups. |
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b.rabbit
Joined: 14 Feb 2012
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:32 am Post subject: |
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I teach in classrooms or at their office (at the company building), so going out with my students or being asked out by one single student would not be for English learning purposes. It would be because they wanted to hang out with me outside of class, which is what I'm iffy about, because then we are no longer in student-teacher mode. It's easier to maintain that distance if my entire class asks me to grab a few drinks with them, but not just one student. |
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radcon
Joined: 23 May 2011
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 5:04 am Post subject: |
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The vast majority of my adult students complain about being married all the time. Men and women. |
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Malislamusrex
Joined: 01 Feb 2010
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 5:12 am Post subject: |
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I've had a female 22 year old student say.
The vacation is too long, I need to see you in the vacation.
I love you
I am good at this class because I like you
I just take it as a communications breakdown.
I forgot to mention she is the prettiest girl in the class. |
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YTMND
Joined: 16 Jan 2012 Location: You're the man now dog!!
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 5:46 am Post subject: |
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b.rabbit wrote: |
I teach in classrooms or at their office (at the company building), so going out with my students or being asked out by one single student would not be for English learning purposes. It would be because they wanted to hang out with me outside of class, which is what I'm iffy about, because then we are no longer in student-teacher mode. It's easier to maintain that distance if my entire class asks me to grab a few drinks with them, but not just one student. |
You don't seem to understand friend to friend yet. You stated student to teacher, then you said about getting a few drinks with them.
How about something in between? Go to a coffee shop. This is not a few drinks, you aren't drinking beer, you aren't drinking soju, you aren't drinking anything with alcohol. You are just have a friendly conversation with someone.
Can you do that? If not, that is something to work towards. You may feel "iffy" about it now, but that's apparently something holding you back from having a friendship.
I have gone to many coffee shops or places like a kimbab nara and met people. We talked, had a good conversation and that was that.
No alcohol was involved, no sense of relationship, nothing. Actually, when I started in Korea, one of my students invited me to the bar. 2 guys talking, and he had a family. Later he invited me to go out on weekends with his family and meet his high school buddies.
You don't need to drink alcohol, but how about a cup of coffee? Maybe you can experience something similar. If I never went to the bar that first evening after class, I would never have had my first glimpse of Korean culture and experienced "hui" (Korean sashimi). We went to Yeongdeok and selected the fish, they cut it up, and then we brought it a restaurant to prepare for the meal. I am a city person and I never experienced such a thing.
So, yea, that iffy feeling is causing a hang up for you it seems. |
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Troglodyte
Joined: 06 Dec 2009
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:03 am Post subject: |
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Once again, do not listen to YTMND. This is uttery BS as far as advice goes.
As with just about anywhere in the world, if a guy asks a girl if she wants to get get a coffee or lunch, it's rarely just for hanging out. If he's a colleague and you've known each other for a while then maybe it's just a matter of hanging out. But even then, he'd probably ask along 1 or 2 other colleagues.
If I were you (if I was a woman) then I'd just brush it off and ignore their comments. Koreans say some stuff that sounds weird to us or it sounds like it's in the wrong context, but asking your out for a coffee or lunch has the same meaning it would back home. If it's the whole group inviting you out to lunch then that's great. You should go. If it's some of the women asking you to go for drinks with them in the evening, then that's probably fine as well. Otherwise, I'd just keep things professional.
There are plenty of opportunities to meet Koreans (men and women) outside of your work environment. Even for guys, social and work environments should stay separated. Otherwise you have to be careful about what you say or do so that it doesn't come back to haunt you later. My opinion is that because of Korean culture, women in particular should be careful about socializing with students or co-workers so that rumors don't start to go around. Even if untrue, rumors can get you in trouble later.
Just my two Won worth. |
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ewlandon
Joined: 30 Jan 2011 Location: teacher
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:53 am Post subject: |
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torg you have procured an unhealthy hatred for a fellow esler. |
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some waygug-in
Joined: 25 Jan 2003
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:36 am Post subject: |
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I agree with Trog, it's best to err on the side of caution.
If the guy really wants to be "friends" and nothing more,
he won't mind if others come along. If he insists on a 1 on 1,
then I wouldn't be so sure. |
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The Cosmic Hum
Joined: 09 May 2003 Location: Sonic Space
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:37 pm Post subject: Re: Adult Student Crushes? |
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b.rabbit wrote: |
Has anyone had any experience with their adult students forming a crush on them? I mostly teach older Korean business men (28 - 40yr) and a few of them seem to have formed a crush on me.
The thing is, they are usually married and while they don't actively do anything about the crush, sometimes they will say stuff like "I wish I wasn't married, etc." Or comment on how they don't like married life much, etc.
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hmmm...perhaps this is a genuine post, but it is hard to believe anyone can be this naive.
Adult males don't form crushes...they want to get laid...married or single.
Of course you can use the term 'crush' as a euphemism for that behavior, but it doesn't speak well for the intent of the conversation.
Anyway...don't date your students...unless of course you want to have sex with them...because that is why they want to meet you...among other things perhaps.
Is this new attention for you...have you not experienced male attention before?
It is the same everywhere...men are always on the lookout for new sexual experiences, and if they can get it from a foreign female all the better.
Best of luck with your adventures. |
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Whistleblower
Joined: 03 Feb 2007
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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Everyone is assuming the OP is female. |
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some waygug-in
Joined: 25 Jan 2003
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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I doubt that there would be that many gay Korean businessmen 20 - 40
years old in the OP's classes.
But perhaps things are changing in the land of K(G)ay? |
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comm
Joined: 22 Jun 2010
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:29 pm Post subject: Re: Adult Student Crushes? |
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The Cosmic Hum wrote: |
hmmm...perhaps this is a genuine post, but it is hard to believe anyone can be this naive.
Adult males don't form crushes...they want to get laid...married or single.
Of course you can use the term 'crush' as a euphemism for that behavior, but it doesn't speak well for the intent of the conversation.
Anyway...don't date your students...unless of course you want to have sex with them...because that is why they want to meet you...among other things perhaps.
Is this new attention for you...have you not experienced male attention before?
It is the same everywhere...men are always on the lookout for new sexual experiences, and if they can get it from a foreign female all the better.
Best of luck with your adventures. |
I don't usually quote this much of someone's post.
But when I do, it's because it's 100% correct.
Maybe you're not used to being hit on openly, maybe you think that you aren't being hit on because you aren't sending signals (lol)... but the situation here should be pretty obvious. |
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Zackback
Joined: 05 Nov 2010 Location: Kyungbuk
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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Pick one that isn't married and hook up with him. I have always dated at least one of my adult students everywhere I taught.
It's fun. |
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b.rabbit
Joined: 14 Feb 2012
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 5:19 pm Post subject: |
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As a woman, I have been the subject of unwanted male attention since I was about 11 or 12. It doesn't matter if it's just some guys undressing you with their eyes or blatant attempts to get into your pants. The attention is always there, no matter what ethnicity, what you're wearing or what you look like.
I found it somewhat rude to assume that my general question and feelings of unease stem from the fact that I am unused to male attention and I may or may not feel differently if I wasn't some sort of naive/unexperienced person. I thought there may actually be differences in communication due to culture or I may be sending the wrong messages because I was approaching the situation from a western woman's perspective.
I also didn't want to just assume that all men are horn dogs and want to get into any woman's pants. To say that adult men are not able to form crushes and just want sex seems to be an over-generalization of men?
Either way, I mostly just wanted some advice on how to form clearer barriers with my adult students, without being too direct or rude, since I don't want them to complain and get fired. That, and if other people have had similar experiences or stories, how did they handle such a situation? |
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