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Divorcing a Korean w/Child Involved?
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Nolos



Joined: 23 Oct 2011

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 5:53 pm    Post subject: Divorcing a Korean w/Child Involved? Reply with quote

I am married to a Korean woman, we have not divorced but she throws the idea around...I think most of it are empty threats. Lol, we've haven't even been married for 6 months for heaven sakes!
Anyway. We have a child on the way. The baby will be born in Korea. And I have a F6 visa. I've had it only a month or so.
If we ever do get divorced I want to know about the child and my visa situation--Assuming I never cheated on her and we split amicably.
My unborn baby means everything to me (my wife is pregnant) and I want to be in the country to work and see my baby.
Anyone have any experience with this type of situation?
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jimmyjames1982



Joined: 13 Nov 2008

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Psychology major here

Well it's obviously, errm, I mean, most likely, not going to be a successful marriage if the fickle women is already throwing the "D" word around so nonchalantly after a mere six months. Not to mention she's saying it while pregnant which I assumed is a joyous time in a relationship. Maybe it's her hormones causing her to speak so recklessly?

What has changed in the relationship for her to mention divorce? More info is needed for a proper analysis. Pics would help too.
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Nismo



Joined: 31 Aug 2005

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds like psychological bullying to me.

As to your question, you can basically assume that if you were to split up, the mother would have full custody and you would have no visitation rights. She would have to allow you to see your child, unless she is determined to be psychologically unsound.

It seems to me, though, that there is some form of manipulation at work here. Perhaps she is trying to change you, and her ace of spades is your livelihood. Tell her directly that divorce is not a threat to be bandied around as means for her own end.

I can tell you from personal experience that a pregnant woman is emotionally stable in her second trimester (having kicked morning sickness), and absolutely wonderful in the third.

What you should know is that single-motherhood is very frowned upon in SK, so you might not have to feel as threatened as you do. I don't recommend wielding that as an attack weapon against her, though - That would only escalate your problems.

As far as personal advice goes (and this is, of course, coming from someone who has absolutely no background information on you or your situation), I would try to remain logical and calm but firm, attempt communication regarding issues that are bothering her (and offer her solutions instead of asking her what she thinks those solutions should be), and put forward every possible characteristic to claim your position as the alpha in the family; the necessary pillar that she depends on and would never consider losing. I'm not saying that it's easy or that I personally have no trouble pulling this off, but that it's an ideal that husbands in Korea might consider striving for to enjoy a more straightforward, drama-free household.
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definitely maybe



Joined: 16 Feb 2008

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Despite rising divorce rates in Korea, many Koreans still have minimal exposure to divorce beyond what they've heard about the commonality of it in places like the US. My wife is under the impression that the term gets thrown around more liberally by the Korean spouse in some of the foreign-Korean couples we know because of the misconception that divorce is so commonplace in the west. She has no official statistics to back this up, which will probably get me tarred and feathered on this board, but I am inclined to agree with her.

Please keep in mind that her analysis is based on people we know, none of whom have gotten divorced, and does not account for multicultural relationship in Korea.

Then again, as Nismo said, never underestimate the emotional roller coaster that is a pregnant woman. That sounded bad.
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Weigookin74



Joined: 26 Oct 2009

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have heard from friends that some Korean women threaten their husbands with divorce all the time. A type of phycological tool of control, I think. A buddy said his K wife threatened him all the time but then he got his F5, she shut up and never made the threats again. Anyways, just look her firmly in the eye and tell her never to threaten you like that again. Ask her if she really wants to suffer the stigma of being a divorced woman and single mother in Korea? Does she really want to work extra hard to have to support herself and the child. Tell her it may be part of her culture, but you're from another culture and that you won't listen to it. You'll be out the door. Enough said.
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isitts



Joined: 25 Dec 2008
Location: China

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 9:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Weigookin74 wrote:
I have heard from friends that some Korean women threaten their husbands with divorce all the time. A type of phycological tool of control, I think. A buddy said his K wife threatened him all the time but then he got his F5, she shut up and never made the threats again. Anyways, just look her firmly in the eye and tell her never to threaten you like that again. Ask her if she really wants to suffer the stigma of being a divorced woman and single mother in Korea? Does she really want to work extra hard to have to support herself and the child. Tell her it may be part of her culture, but you're from another culture and that you won't listen to it. You'll be out the door. Enough said.


+1
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fosterman



Joined: 16 Nov 2011

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 9:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

just make up and forget about it mate.

she is throwing out empty threats, any guy married to a Korean girl will tell you this.

you will get use to it.
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isitts



Joined: 25 Dec 2008
Location: China

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jimmyjames1982 wrote:
Psychology major here

Well it's obviously, errm, I mean, most likely, not going to be a successful marriage if the fickle women is already throwing the "D" word around so nonchalantly after a mere six months. Not to mention she's saying it while pregnant which I assumed is a joyous time in a relationship. Maybe it's her hormones causing her to speak so recklessly?

What has changed in the relationship for her to mention divorce? More info is needed for a proper analysis. Pics would help too.


Mmm, hmm.. And you've psychoanalyzed Korean couples? Smile Textbooks aren't going to help you here.
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KimchiNinja



Joined: 01 May 2012
Location: Gangnam

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 9:25 pm    Post subject: Re: Divorcing a Korean w/Child Involved? Reply with quote

Nolos wrote:
Lol, we've haven't even been married for 6 months for heaven sakes!


There is a Korean saying on marriage someone told me once...something like "the way the first three months goes is the way the whole thing goes".

Yikes Shocked
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isitts



Joined: 25 Dec 2008
Location: China

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 9:30 pm    Post subject: Re: Divorcing a Korean w/Child Involved? Reply with quote

KimchiNinja wrote:
Nolos wrote:
Lol, we've haven't even been married for 6 months for heaven sakes!


There is a Korean saying on marriage someone told me once...something like "the way the first three months goes is the way the whole thing goes".

Yikes Shocked


So, then time is irrelevant. The way the marriage goes is the way the marriage goes. Razz
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Swampfox10mm



Joined: 24 Mar 2011

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's how you handle it. Just tell her, "I don't want a divorce. If you want a divorce, go ahead. You'll have to sue me for it, though."

Basically, Korean divorce rates skyrocketed a few years back. The gov't became so alarmed by it, they saw the solution as basically making it really freakin' hard to get divorced, unless both sides agree that's what they want. But here's the catch... that's hard to do because most couples are divorcing over money, and money is the issue that they fight about. That, or one screws around and gets caught. So to get divorced without mutual consent, it's a year-long or more process that costs millions of won -- basically, a lot of money. And what do Koreans care more about than anything... you guessed it... MONEY.

I've heard that the courts, when ruling about who gets most of the money, will look favorably on the person who does not want the divorce. This also acts as a deterrent to those who want to divorce for money (you see, this is how the gov't is trapping thousands of Koreans into dead marriages, all to keep divorce rates from looking bad internationally).

So the next time your wife says, "I want a divorce!" Tell her "I don't want one. You're going to have to sue me for one!"

She'll then go check with a lawyer, learn about how she'll be dumping millions of won to divorce, and then have to face the court and explain why she wants a divorce when you don't. Without a good reason, she'll learn that she'll lose a lot more money. She will then freak out and learn to shut her arrogant Korean female pie-hole.

But be careful that she doesn't try to set you up as a bad guy so she can claim she was abused or something like that..

I am sorry to tell you, too, that life as a married couple becomes far, far more difficult with a child involved.
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KimchiNinja



Joined: 01 May 2012
Location: Gangnam

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 9:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yep, it's like math, you can cancel out the two time references in the equasion and are left with; "it-is-what-it-is-ness". Wink

Next time she mentions it I'd say "tell me where to sign".
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YTMND



Joined: 16 Jan 2012
Location: You're the man now dog!!

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

She is realizing the family photo will have her, her child, and some waygookin who looks nothing like her or her child. Add to that, her family she grew up with.

Before, it was just a challenge to learn about someone from another country and find out about them. Now they have to actually be seen.

I bet she is having second guesses at marrying a foreigner and raising a family, and it's not anything personal against the husband. In fact, this might be rationalized as a way to save the relationship.

So, what would I do? I would stop her every time she mentions divorce and write down exactly what she was doing before she said it and what was being discussed.

Chances are those discussions are making her nervous like a 3rd grader on a really high diving board. She is not ready to jump yet, to go from a sweet couple who could have broken up without much drama before getting pregnant to now a mother and wife, and she is using whatever excuses to maintain a single status before she plunges into the final stages of marriage without a family unit (mother/father/child). In reality, the divorce is with her mother and father. She is looking in the mirror now and adjusting.

Whatever you do, be there for the birth of your child (your=your plural). That will erase the D word in a heartbeat.
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Jonephant



Joined: 05 Jul 2010
Location: Seoul

PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2012 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

fosterman wrote:
just make up and forget about it mate.

she is throwing out empty threats, any guy married to a Korean girl will tell you this.

you will get use to it.


+1
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supernick



Joined: 24 Jan 2003
Location: Seoul

PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2012 2:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry about your F-6 visa. Once you have a child born in Korea, your visa is granted on the citizenship of your child. Your wife or x-wife will have nothing to do with it.
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