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Telling a disaproving father-in-law to be about engagement.
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canuk2



Joined: 28 Mar 2003
Location: Kumchon, Seoul

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2003 6:49 am    Post subject: Telling a disaproving father-in-law to be about engagement. Reply with quote

Okay I need some advice.

Fiancee's father didn't aprove of me when I met him (Feb. 2002) and since then has told my honey to break up with me every chance he has got. That event never happened but hasn't stopped him from trying.

Just got engaged, every important relative and friend knows except him. (They know not to say anything) The debate is this.

1. Tell him over the phone from Korea now. (cousin's suggestion)

2. Wait till we return home to Canada at the beginning of May and tell him and his new wife face to face and together. (my choice)

3. NOt tell him at all or invite him to the wedding. (honey's choice)

All of his other family are happy and eagerly anticipating the wedding as are we, and my family.

Any ideas? or we did this and this is what happened?
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The Great Wall of Whiner



Joined: 24 Jan 2003
Location: Middle Land

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2003 11:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is your GF Korean or Canadian or both? You said her father is in Canada.

You didn't make mention of any important background to this.

Man, how old is your GF? Is she an adult? If so, her father should just butt out and you should follow your honey's advice as she knows her father better than you.

If she is Korean, and her father lives in Canada, then you could tell him:" Look. You moved to Canada, so now you have to put up with Canadian culture, which is ALL PEOPLE ARE EQUAL."

Whatever which way, the father is just playing hard-ball and does not want his daughter to get married.

Anyway, you left out some very important information to help people help you in this...
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Bulsajo



Joined: 16 Jan 2003

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2003 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As GWW pointed out, a lot of pertinent information is lacking from your post.

However, there is enough there to give you some solid advice-
Do what your GF recommends. She knows her father better than you (there might be more background info to to his attitude that you have not been made aware of), and furthermore she's the one you're going to be living with for the rest of your life (hopefully), not him. He's already pissed off for whatever reason, whatever you do don't get her pissed off at you too.
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hellofaniceguy



Joined: 10 Jan 2003
Location: On your computer screen!

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2003 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's quite simple; tell him to butt out! Tell him that when he got married way back when, that his parents did not approve of his intended spouse to be and that he married her anyway!
Tell him to stop being prejudice! But actually, you need your GF to stand up to him. If she can't stand up to him on your behalf, the person she wants to spend her life with, what makes you think she'll be "there" for you in the future for another problem?
Why do you need his approval? Underage? Or because it's the korean thing to do? If it's the korean thing to do, then it's not love.
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dutchman



Joined: 23 Jan 2003
Location: My backyard

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2003 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hellofaniceguy wrote:
It's quite simple; tell him to butt out! Tell him that when he got married way back when, that his parents did not approve of his intended spouse to be and that he married her anyway!


Laughing Just out of curiosity niceguy, are you married? It sure would be fun to say what you suggest but I think a little more tact would pay off in the long run.
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Hank Scorpio



Joined: 18 Jan 2003
Location: Ann Arbor, MI

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2003 2:52 pm    Post subject: Re: Telling a disaproving father-in-law to be about engageme Reply with quote

I'd go a different route, and try to nail your future mother in law.

But that's just me.
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canuk2



Joined: 28 Mar 2003
Location: Kumchon, Seoul

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2003 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can see that I didn't include enough info. My apoligies. I am the female counter part of the relationship. We are both Canadians who met teaching on an Indian reserve in Northern Alberta September 2001. Came to Korea in Sept. 2002.

His father is an recovering alcoholic with all the nasty history that goes with the disease. My honey minimizes contact as much as he possibly can with his father due to other issues from that history.

On our return to Canada we both will be living with my parents, as they are much more accepting of him that his dad is of me. In fact last August I was not allowed in the house or invited to his father's wedding to new step mom. When we flew to Korea I waited outside while He picked up his suitcase. Step mom came outside to visit and say good-bye.

The step-mother-in-law to be already likes me but that is becuse we are only three years apart in age. His biological mom died of Cancer when he was 18. My fiancee is 26, I am 30. Step mom is 33, Fiancee's father is 54.

So there is lots of bad blood in the past and Dad is about to make it worse because he has stated last summer he will disown his son if he continues with me, not just marry me. So when Father-in-law to be finds out I think there will be more problems, not an acceptance of me.

I guess I am worried that He will just cut his Dad out of his life completely. I already know I will always be chosen over Dad, as this has already happened several times already. His other relatives love me and are very excited for the wedding. They count more to my fiancee than his father, but I don't what him to cut Dad off totally, for what the future might bring. (Grand kids and family events and such)

Does this help for more information. If there are any more questions let me know because all and any advice is helpful and welcome.

Edit: Spelling
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Hank Scorpio



Joined: 18 Jan 2003
Location: Ann Arbor, MI

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2003 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

canuk2 wrote:
I am the female counter part of the relationship.


I wouldn't worry about it. There's no social obligation for a man to seek permission from his folks, so it's really his decision on how he wants to handle dealing with them.

Besides which, he's 26, you're 30. The apron strings should have been cut a long time ago. If my father ever told me he'd disown me if I stayed with a woman, I'd tell him to engage in intercourse with himself.

Close family relations are more of a pain than they're worth anyway. It's probably for the best.


Last edited by Hank Scorpio on Mon Apr 14, 2003 8:20 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Bulsajo



Joined: 16 Jan 2003

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2003 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well Canuk, it all sounds pretty pointless- do you want to be banging your head against a brick wall for the rest of your life?

It sounds like your fiance and his dad need to patch things up before you have even a snowball's chance in hell of turning the guy around. What's his beef with you exactly?

If your BF agrees, you might try sending him a wedding invite when you send out the rest to your families and let him figure out if he is going to make a step towards reconciliation and show up or not.

Anyway, your problems are way out of my league, and I doubt you'll find any satisfactory solutions to your problem on a semi-anonymous message board, but good luck.
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Harpeau



Joined: 01 Feb 2003
Location: In Hannam-dong, Seoul.

PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2003 8:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Because the father is an alchoholic, it is therefore important to realise that you are not the target. I would suggest that you send him an invitation and try to extend an olive leaf- though you also need to respect your own sensibilities and protect yourself from abuse. What he does is his own choice. All that you can do is grow old together as husband and wife and hope that maybe one day he will come around.

You sound like a good soul. Don't let him take away your happiness. Try not to lose any sleep over it. If he's out of the picture for the next while, then it's really his choice as well as his own loss. You both found one another and have deciding to wed. I wish you all the best that life may offer you.
Hoping that things work out.

Sincerely,
Harpeau
(A counselor in Seoul)
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meatball



Joined: 15 Jan 2003
Location: Daegu

PostPosted: Thu Apr 17, 2003 1:26 am    Post subject: wow... Reply with quote

I read your posts and its really strange how similar my situation is to yours. My Canadian fiancee and I are to be married this summer.
Not only do both my parents not like him. BUt....
1. They haven't met him yet, nor will they meet him until days before the wedding
2. He didn't ask permission--which is somewhat required (2nd generation Portuguese) even though we're both Canadian.

My parents don't approve and have nothing but negative things to say about him and us. THey've never met him, which is also a problem...but in Korea, you can't just hop up and go to Toronto any time you feel like it. We don't have the same vacation time so its pretty messy. THey can be really hurtful. His family on the other hand, even though they haven't met me...LOVE me. THey are wonderful people that are completely supportive of us.

My advice: Stand by your man. Remember this is your husband to be. He is your new family. It seems that you have enough support without him, so as hard as it sounds, leave him alone. Time does heel a lot and in the end....if things get bad you can always threaten with him not letting him see the grandkids....

I feel for you, its never easy. PM me, if you need to talk Smile
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Tiger Beer



Joined: 07 Feb 2003

PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2003 3:11 pm    Post subject: Re: Telling a disaproving father-in-law to be about engageme Reply with quote

canuk2 wrote:
Okay I need some advice.

Fiancee's father didn't aprove of me when I met him (Feb. 2002) and since then has told my honey to break up with me every chance he has got. That event never happened but hasn't stopped him from trying.

Just got engaged, every important relative and friend knows except him. (They know not to say anything) The debate is this.

1. Tell him over the phone from Korea now. (cousin's suggestion)

2. Wait till we return home to Canada at the beginning of May and tell him and his new wife face to face and together. (my choice)

3. NOt tell him at all or invite him to the wedding. (honey's choice)

All of his other family are happy and eagerly anticipating the wedding as are we, and my family.

Any ideas? or we did this and this is what happened?
Actually, I know you are involved with this woman.. but its nothing you have any control over.. let your fiance take ownership of this issue.. she's the one who has to deal with it forever.. you don't know the stranger despite his future kinship.. i know you want to make things right.. but its not your position to do this.. its your fiance and your fiance's relatives.. and just about anyone and everyone except you..
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weened



Joined: 10 Feb 2003
Location: May you live to be a thousand years.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2003 3:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think you really have too much deliberation to do anymore. His father is obviously loaded with baggage that is not your responsibility. I admire your desire to resolve this conflict but I don't think any overtures you make at this point will correct his behavior. You should feel confident that his family likes you and more importantly that your fiance isn't going to waver in his decision to marry you. Your situation is a little sad but overall he's marginalized himself and become only a minor problem. Try to come to terms with the situation and then make a commitment to move past it (with your hubby). Good Luck!
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hellofaniceguy



Joined: 10 Jan 2003
Location: On your computer screen!

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2003 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's quite simple; tell him to butt out! Tell him that when he got married way back when, that his parents did not approve of his intended spouse to be and that he married her anyway!

Tell him to stop being prejudice! But actually, you need your GF to stand up to him. If she can't stand up to him on your behalf, the person she wants to spend her life with, what makes you think she'll be "there" for you in the future for another problem?

Why do you need his approval? Underage? Or because it's the korean thing to do? If it's the korean thing to do, then it's not love. You don't have to be tactful; koreans are not tactful! Be direct and to the point. What? Are the parents going to support you and the spouse? Make your own way in life; you can only depend on yourself, not others. So don't woory about what others think or say.

[quote repaired by Lemon 5:46pm]
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stalinsdad



Joined: 25 Jan 2003
Location: Jeonju

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2003 1:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

He's a big boy now and can manage without you and him. He no longer needs those links to his father, but I would advise that you continue to be in contact!
I know from my own family how evil and poisonous female in-laws can be, don't give his father the excuse of categorising you.
GL
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