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Korean Job Discussion Forums
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periwinkle
Joined: 08 Feb 2003
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 Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 10:53 pm Post subject: I had a fight w/my fiance... |
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Not many people air their dirty laundry here, but... He says things, and I always take him literally. I'm REALLY gullible (case in point- someone told me the elevator was going down when the light indicated it was going up. I was confused, but I got out of the elevator. Then the guy said he made a mistake. I know- I'm an idiot...). Anyway, he teases me, and sometimes I know it's a joke, but sometimes I think he's being literal. Well, something weird happened on the street (I don't want to make this story too long), and he said it was bad karma and had to re-think our marriage (not in those words, but that was the meaning). I felt badly, and tried to call him several times, but he didn't respond. Finally, I got through, and he said he didn't hear the phone, and that he was frustrated from trying to download a song for me (I asked him to do it), but couldn't do it. I asked him if he was still angry about the street incident (I think a guy spit on him- we're not really sure how he got a goober on his shoulder  ). He didn't know what I was talking about, then I reminded him about his comment, and he was like, "F-you!" OMG!! I have NEVER had a boyfriend swear at me before. I don't do name-calling, either. It irritates him that I can't take a joke sometimes, but the Korean teasing thing that guys do with their girlfriends mystifies me!! I'm not used to it.
Anyway, I feel really badly. I hung up on him (after he swore), then called him back, but he wouldn't answer. Sigh... I made a couple of reconcillatory overtures toward him at work today, but he's not responding. I still can't believe how he swore at me. I doubt he does that to his mother, whom he holds in the highest esteem. It's always been my understanding that when someone swears at you like that, it's a serious indication that they don't respect you. I know he was frustrated, but still.... |
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manlyboy
Joined: 01 Aug 2004
Location: Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 11:05 pm Post subject: |
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Guys like to tease. My wife doesn't really get that. I only ever tease playfully, which means I only tease people who I like. It's a sign of affection, damn it!
However, I would never, ever, EVER swear at her. But that's just me. |
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Corporal
Joined: 25 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 11:10 pm Post subject: |
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| He is a Korean man, right? That's your problem right there. They are all devils. You need to get yourself a nice, Western boyfriend. He will never hit you or swear at you. They are brought up differently in the west. |
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periwinkle
Joined: 08 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 11:33 pm Post subject: |
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| Corporal wrote: |
| He is a Korean man, right? That's your problem right there. They are all devils. You need to get yourself a nice, Western boyfriend. He will never hit you or swear at you. They are brought up differently in the west. |
I can't imagine you tolerate your hubby swearing at you. I can tolerate just about everything, but I can't tolerate that. Is this common in Korean culture? With gen X-ers, I mean (I wouldn't be surprised if the older ones swear at their wives on a regular basis). When I taught college students, the guys talked like their girlfriends were princesses, and they all treated their girls like gold. Anyway, this is the 4th K guy I've dated, and never once has any of them hit me. First time for swearing, though. |
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Butterfly
Joined: 02 Mar 2003
Location: Kuwait
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:05 am Post subject: |
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| periwinkle wrote: |
| Corporal wrote: |
| He is a Korean man, right? That's your problem right there. They are all devils. You need to get yourself a nice, Western boyfriend. He will never hit you or swear at you. They are brought up differently in the west. |
I can't imagine you tolerate your hubby swearing at you. I can tolerate just about everything, but I can't tolerate that. Is this common in Korean culture? With gen X-ers, I mean (I wouldn't be surprised if the older ones swear at their wives on a regular basis). When I taught college students, the guys talked like their girlfriends were princesses, and they all treated their girls like gold. Anyway, this is the 4th K guy I've dated, and never once has any of them hit me. First time for swearing, though. |
You do take things literally don't you? |
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jinglejangle
Joined: 19 Feb 2005
Location: Far far far away.
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:17 am Post subject: |
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(owing to the serious treatment this thread has been recieving from all and sundry this somewhat disrespectful post is respectfully deleted.)
(Don't take me too seriously)(still)
Last edited by jinglejangle on Wed Jun 29, 2005 9:47 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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JongnoGuru
Joined: 25 May 2004
Location: peeing on your doorstep
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:20 am Post subject: |
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| Periwinkle, I hope you'll continue to update this thread and tell us what happens next. |
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the_beaver
Joined: 15 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:22 am Post subject: |
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A. If you were my girlfriend and you couldn't take any teasing you'd be an ex-girlfriend the second time you got overly angry.
B. If your boyfriend was my boyfriend and got stupidly angry like that he'd be an ex-boyfriend the second time he went baby like that. |
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jinglejangle
Joined: 19 Feb 2005
Location: Far far far away.
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:35 am Post subject: |
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| the_beaver wrote: |
A. If you were my girlfriend and you couldn't take any teasing you'd be an ex-girlfriend the second time you got overly angry.
B. If your boyfriend was my boyfriend and got stupidly angry like that he'd be an ex-boyfriend the second time he went baby like that. |
Well put. |
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Freezer Burn
Joined: 11 Apr 2005
Location: Busan
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:28 am Post subject: |
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Without knowing you or your boyfriend, my comentis this.
Are Korean relationships as 'adult' as we would usually like our relationships to be?
What I mean by that is, do Korean men understand the basics to being in a good relationship or is it molded on their parent's semi-quasi marriage, you said he holds his mother up on a pedistool isnt that the way we usually treat our girlfriends/boyfriends if we really care about them and if he is baseing his adult relationship on what he thinks he knows about girls (Korean) then you need to educate him very fast. |
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Jake E. Lee
Joined: 08 Mar 2004
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 2:00 am Post subject: |
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| Get out of the relationship...now. |
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PolyChronic Time Girl
Joined: 15 Dec 2004
Location: Korea Exited
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 2:14 am Post subject: |
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Periwinkle...don't know your guy very well, but he doesn't sound good to me. Swearing at a partner is unaccetable, no matter what culture (and my Korean husband told me that this is not typical "decent" Korean man behavior). If he keeps blowing you off, then that tells you everything you need to know about this guy..... then you dump him. Or at least take a vacation from him for awhile to think things out.
I'm just wondering about his relationship with his mom and her relationship with you? I've talked to many other western girls with Korean guys, and the sometimes the Korean guy will suddenly blow off his waygook girlfriend/fiance because of mommy's objections. Do you suspect any of this?
Anyway, I hope things between you two get better. Maybe it is one of those weird culture barriers/misunderstandings that you two can sort out. |
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Grotto
Joined: 21 Mar 2004
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 2:41 am Post subject: |
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I have given up on Korean women...I am sick and tired of their whining and ....... immaturity and immitation of starfish.
Grotto lets go shopping....
Me: Why?
I need some shoes..buy me some shoes....(whiny tone)
Me: You have 40 pairs of shoes you dont need any more shoes!
Whhhyyyyyyyiiieee u so mean to me
Me; Because you are whiny and I hate it when you whine!~
Whyyyiieee?
Me; Goodbye. |
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buddy bradley
Joined: 24 Aug 2003
Location: The Beyond
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 2:46 am Post subject: |
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| Grotto wrote: |
I have given up on Korean women...I am sick and tired of their whining and ....... immaturity and immitation of starfish.
Grotto lets go shopping....
Me: Why?
I need some shoes..buy me some shoes....(whiny tone)
Me: You have 40 pairs of shoes you dont need any more shoes!
Whhhyyyyyyyiiieee u so mean to me
Me; Because you are whiny and I hate it when you whine!~
Whyyyiieee?
Me; Goodbye. |
This is the biggest lie that I've ever read on this board - well done, my man, well done! |
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the saint
Joined: 09 Dec 2003
Location: not there yet...
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 3:49 am Post subject: Re: I had a fight w/my fiance... |
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| periwinkle wrote: |
I hung up on him (after he swore), then called him back, but he wouldn't answer. Sigh... I made a couple of reconcillatory overtures toward him at work today, but he's not responding. |
peri... I've been married a fairly long time and I really feel for you in this situation. This is the most crucial part of your relationship with your bf. It is not after the wedding. It is right here and now. If your bf swears at your like this now, he will do it regularly when you are married. Believe me. In fact, it is likely to get seriously worse.
But I'm not so much worried about him as you. I believe you did exactly the right thing in hanging up. But then you did exactly the wrong thing by calling back and then making "reconciliatory overtures toward him" It is very important that you do not do this. If you do, you'll dig your own grave. I've heard it time and again where one partner tries to reconcile a divison caused by the other. You mean well but it will actually simply continue the cycle until it breaks you completely.
He is the one who is wrong. You need to be strong and give him clear notice that the ball is in his court. If not, he will walk all over your emotions in years to come.
Now there are obviously two things that would happen if you take this line of action. Either way, you win though neither way is painless (what relationship is anyway). Either he will refuse to reconcile or apologise, in which case you have found his true feelings for you and are free to acknowledge the relationship has no commitment from him. Or he will come back to you, apologise and seek reconciliation in which case you can do what every married person needs to develop as a habit: forgive.
You are not demanding an apology to hurt him. You are demanding an apology because that is what this behaviour demands. This is an important and often missed point too with partners using demands for apologies as weapons. I believe you truly want this relationship to work and so will not do that, but don't take his guilt upon yourself though and try to make up for what he may lack in commitment to this relationship. It's a sure path to breakdown at some point further on.
Hope it works out for you and him  |
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