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getting married...
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ratslash



Joined: 08 May 2003

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2003 8:21 pm    Post subject: getting married... Reply with quote

not just yet, but in the future i hope to marry my lovely korean girlfriend. we got onto the subject last night and she said that when we are married she would have to give her parents between 500,000 to a million won a month to say "thanks" for looking after her when she was a child. now to me, 500 hundred english pounds a month is damn near your mortgage payment on a very nice house.

i know there are a few of you out there who are married to korean women. have you encountered this? i've been with my girlfriend now for nearly a year and this is the first cultural difference we have ever encountered (it helps to get over cultural barriers that we have both done a lot of travelling before we met). i will pay it if we have to but it just seems a little strange to me. after all, it was our parents choice (unless they made a mistake) to bring us into the world so why should we have to thank them with a monetary payment?

any thoughts?
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Avram Iancu



Joined: 05 Jul 2003
Location: Changwon

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2003 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds like good 'hush' money to me...
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ratslash



Joined: 08 May 2003

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2003 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

eh? 'hush' money? you'll have to elaborate on that one?
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makushi



Joined: 08 Jun 2003

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2003 9:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's all open to negotiation.

Does your GF work? Is she paying the money now? Is she an only child? Does she have an older brother, or any brother?

It does happen, but it's not the rule and the amount she mentioned seems a bit high compared to what I have heard other daughters are sending to their parents.

I actually find it a bit difficult to believe that she'd expect you to do that...however there are exceptions, and if she's the only child, she may have extra pressure to take care of her mom. Hopefully, she has a good job!
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Cthulhu



Joined: 02 Feb 2003

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2003 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it should depend on the financial situation. I've heard of that happening in South Asia (e.g., Thailand) but I've never personally heard about that in Korea, though I suppose it wouldn't surprise me. If anything it is the oldest son who has the most responsibility towards the parents. She must be part of a small family or one that is not in good financial shape. At any rate, it seems like quite an expense for you to bear unless the parents absolutely need it.
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2T



Joined: 28 Jul 2003
Location: Seoul

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2003 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i married a korean and everyone in his family gives his parents some money. the sons and the daughters.
its not that they dont have money of their own either.
i think it is seen more as a gift.

if 500,000 is a bit much for you, then you can negotiate with them. we did. i hope that your future in laws are as reasonable as my in laws.
from my experience they are pretty forgiving and understand that you are a foreigner, so they dont pressure you as much as they would have if you were a korean.
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Gord



Joined: 25 Feb 2003

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2003 10:00 pm    Post subject: Re: getting married... Reply with quote

ratslash wrote:
500 hundred english pounds a month is damn near your mortgage payment on a very nice house.


Check the math. It's actually closer to 265 pounds.

That said, what difference does culture make in this instance? If that is what she wants, that is what she wants. Period end. If she wants to give them some money every month, at least she's telling you up front and not later. Accept it, or don't and move on to the next girl.

Though I wouldn't cite that as being a big issue. In my family it's exceptionally common for children to give the parents things "just because", though not usually cash but in the form of plane tickets or pricey items.
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rapier



Joined: 16 Feb 2003

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2003 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is Asia, it happens, although predominantly in poorer countries. I don't see why they should continue the custom in what is now rich and prosperous Korea.
I was thinking on marrying a Vietnamese girl once, - I would've had to pay a bride- price of around $1000 to her parents...I don't object to the idea, but carrying on payments long after you've tied the knot is outrageous.
I guess that in Asia, you don't just marry the girl, but her entire family...smacks of slavery to me.
On a separate note, getting married is a crazy idea to me anyway!!!!
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HardyandTiny



Joined: 03 Jun 2003

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2003 1:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good Lord don't do it.

And if you do, don't think you can even think about changing things like "money to mommy or parents".

It's the stress, you need to take a trip and relax for awhile.
It's not like a regular western marriage, you're going to take years off your life..you have to think man! it's a fantasy, it's just a fantasy!

They are from Hell! Smile
hahahaha
sorry
you have to stop
please stop
please!
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rapier



Joined: 16 Feb 2003

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2003 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hahahaha Laughing H&T is right! Get out while you still can!! Its all a romantic illusion..I know women who will bust your balls for a lot less than 500.000 a month. Seriously, I don't know many married couples who aren't miserable..get yourself a real life!
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HardyandTiny



Joined: 03 Jun 2003

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2003 1:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I used to think like an idiot.
"I'll go to Vietnam and I'll meet some beautiful woman who only cares about good things, who will love me for who I am and who will always be respectful and caring and kind...blah blah blah.."
I was a jerk! I can't understand the Vietnamese, we can barely speak each other's language. I have no idea what these people want and what they expect. I rushed into it. I was thinking about taking her back home and showing her off like a trophy.
"Hey! Look what I caught! She 's pretty, she's from a farm and she can barely speak our language! Wow! Look at that! And she's 35 and she still doesn't have the creepy cellulite! I'm a globetrotter! I'm adventurous! This is going to be great!"

Then the reality strikes.
She doesn't really ever want to leave her country. She always wants to be near her FAMILY! Nothing, (not me?), is more important than her family. Her brother is having a hard time and he doesn't like the fact that his sister married a foreigner, he's a *beep*, but hell, he needs money! We have to help him. Of course we have to give money to her mom! We should also send money to my mom, I need to make more money so I can send money to everyone's mom! Life is not pretty, we can't do whatever we want, you think I have no cellulite due to my genes? No way, we get up everyday and we jog, 530 AM, rise and shine baby it's time to burn some fat!
Why don't you get promoted? You are not so young anymore! Do I have to call your boss? Do I have to show you how? What is that guy's name? The one from the party that you said had money. Why don't you call him? But I don't like his wife, so just call him.
Put the bank account under our names, why is the account under your name only? You do not know how to handle the money.

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY!!!!
She's going to say that!
I guarantee you she is going to say that!
YOU DON't CARE ABOUT MONEY!
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ratslash



Joined: 08 May 2003

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2003 3:09 am    Post subject: Re: getting married... Reply with quote

gord - this is what i mean by 500 hundred pounds a month. the million won part...

ratslash wrote:
have to give her parents between 500,000 to a million won a month


makushi wrote:

Does your GF work? Is she paying the money now? Is she an only child? Does she have an older brother, or any brother?


no, she doesn't work at the moment, therefore, she is not paying the money now. no, she is not an only child. yes, she does have a brother, younger though.
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Harpeau



Joined: 01 Feb 2003
Location: In Hannam-dong, Seoul.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2003 3:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Everybody is different. You've got to ask yourself- what do you want? What are you willing to put up with.
Myself, I'm married to a Korean woman. It's been four years. It's a hybrid Canadian-Korean family so there are compromises all around. We give her parents about 50,000 won on Chusok and Solal. That's about it. Her parents have given us 600,000 won here for furniture and 700,000 there for a hospital stay... Very kind of them. We're open to her parents one day living with us in the future, but at this time they're with my brother in law. We both control all of the money together. We both know exactly how much we have and what we spend money on. There are too many who are addicted to gambling in this country.

you've got to find your way as a couple. If money is given to your parent in laws, you've got to feel good about it and how much. You have to make some choices, make some compromises. How else are they being supported? What other children are their? What are they doing to help? How much do they need per month? etc. ou have to ask what you value. Obviously, she values taking care of her parents. Is that in the cards for you? Is that what you want? You need to make an existential choice. It's up to you.

The good thing is she's mentioned it to you before your married. Be honest with her and tell her how you feel and what you want- or don't want. It's your move.
Best wishes,
Harpeau
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HardyandTiny



Joined: 03 Jun 2003

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2003 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ratlash: are you IN LOVE?

are you out of your mind man?
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ratslash



Joined: 08 May 2003

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2003 3:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

h and t...

very much in love and completely happy, therefore, i is not out of my mind!!!

we met in auckland. i was working as a travel agent. she was studying english. i moved into a house, there she was, house sharing in the same house as me. she left, went to oz. i was missing her so i left a note on my managers desk basically saying that i have gone to seoul and i don't expect a reference. (my manager wasn't impressed but who gives sh*t. you only live once!) flew to oz to be with her and then to seoul and now here i sit.

so no, i ain't out of my mind. completely in my mind infact!
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