Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[inch54014]

I do need your help to check following sentences, please feel free to let me know if any suggestion or correction. Thanks in advance for your kind help.


Believe it or not, it is not difficult to own a shop. First at all, you need to have enough capital to support your dream coming true. You can choose the most stable way to save money step by step from your limited salary. It can reach your target safety for first investment but very slowly. There is an alternative to load from your parents or bank. The next step, you need to indicate the main product or service you want to sell. Doing the career based on your interested subject can extend your dream to a sustainable business. Furthermore, you can involve yourself into a happiness world. Then, you need to find a good location to start this new business. Good location will bring half success naturally even though its rent is higher than other places. It is very important point to mange all related expense under controlled percentage. Ultimately, you need to find good employees to work together with you. Good partners will help you to build strong business and longer relationship. Ordinary, your business will result in success after accumulating above sources.

[obelix]

Believe it or not, it is not difficult to own a shop. ["business" might be a better word, because "shop" usually means a retail store]
First of all, you need to have enough capital to make your dream come true. The most stable way is to save money regularly from your salary; this is a safe but slow way to reach your initial investment target.
Alternatively, you can borrow the money from your parents, or get a loan from a bank.
The next step is to indicate [decide] the main product or service you want to sell. Basing your career on a subject in which you are interested can turn your dream into a sustainable business and involve you in a happy world. [keep you happy]
A good location from which to operate the business is very important and may account for half its success. The downside is that the best locations usually demand the highest rent.
It is very important to keep all operating expenses below the budgeted percentages and finally it is crucial to hire good employees. They will help you build a strong successful business that will last a long time.
Ordinarily, if you observe these rules your business will be a success.

Comment: I think you would have to decide what type of business and where you want to operate it BEFORE you go to the bank or your parents for a loan and you would need to have a business plan to convince them that it would be viable.
I have put in square brackets[ ] a couple of suggestions you might care to use but I have tried to keep it as close to your original as possible.
Good luck!

[inch54014]

obelix,

Thanks very much for your correction and suggestion. Tell you the truth, it is the most important paper for my English writing class instead of our final term for this semester.

The original topic is "How to become a/an ?????"
And my original idea was "How to improve my English writing?" However I decided to change this topic few days later because I found lots of related books publishing in the market already. Therefore, I changed my mind to focus on my interested subject.

Anyway, thanks again for your kind help.
Have a good day! ^_^
INCH