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Can anybody help me and correct the text?

 
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brini



Joined: 04 Sep 2003
Posts: 21

PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2003 8:11 am    Post subject: Can anybody help me and correct the text? Reply with quote

Hi,
I`m a 17 years old girl from germany. I`m not very good in English.That`s the reason for being here.
Yesterday I wrote a poem, but I believe there are a few mistakes....
Can anybody help me and correct the text?
Thanks a lot!!!!!
Love,brini




Farewell letter for my love

I`m searching for the meaning of heartsickness
I love you but I hate you I guess
Our end was always near,
but my love was stronger than fear.
I believed you`re the boy I belong
but everything went wrong.

You couldn`t give me love,
there was a stronger force above.
I dreamed of us together,
wished our passion lasts forever.
You ment everything to me
I loved you hopelessly.

With love I was blind
you seemed to me so kind.
But now I see you clear:
You aren`t still here.
For me you`ll always be more than a friend
`cause for 7 months you wanted to hold my hand.

This desire is over now.
We`ll meet again somehow.
Then we`ll be good friends
but our period of life now ends.
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asterix



Joined: 26 Jan 2003
Posts: 1654

PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2003 4:38 am    Post subject: poem Reply with quote

There's not much wrong with the English in your poem but I'm not sure how it stacks up as poetry.

There are a couple of things though:

I believed you`re the boy I belong
but everything went wrong.
You belong "TO" someone or "with" someone.

Perhaps you can claim poetic licence

You couldn`t give me love,
there was a stronger force above.
I dreamed of us together,
wished our passion lasts forever.
You should be consistent with your tenses; either use the past (dreamed, wished) or the present (lasts)
You ment everything to me (meant)
I loved you hopelessly.

With love I was blind
you seemed to me so kind.
But now I see you clear: (clearly)
You aren`t still here.
For me you`ll always be more than a friend
`cause for 7 months you wanted to hold my hand.

These are the errors I can find. You can get away with some funny grammar in poetry, it's called "poetic licence" as you probably know.
As for the poetry itself, I think the metre needs a little work.
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