Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[wiwi]

anyone here can give comments or maybe correction to my history essay?or grade me,i am sitting for gcse o'level this year.

Q.Do you think the weaknesses of the whites are important in contributing bolshevik vicyory over the civil war?

AnS:i agree that the weaknesses of the whites is important to a certain extent in contributing to bolshevik victory over the civil war.however,there are other important factor such as lenin as a leader of bolshevik party and trotsky whose millitary experience was necessary for the victory.
whites were not united as they were made up of many different groups with their own leaders.unlike bolsheviks which were led by a strong leader-lenin,whites did not have a strong leader to unite them and they often quarelled.whites were supported by foreign powers which made them very unpopular with the russian people.added to worse,whites have less support from the peasants as they were very harsh in the areas they controlled and they were often linked with the old tsarist rule.
while one other important factor is lenin as a leader of bolshevik party.lenin's brilliance as a speaker was able to incite a sense of nationalism among the soldiers and peasants to want to fight against the foreigners and the whites to defend the newly-established communist state.lenin's economic policy of war communism ensured that the red army received adequate supplies needed to win the war.lenin's political leadership ensured unity in the bolsheviks that prevent bolsheviks from losing the civil war.

another important factor is brillliant millitary skill and leadership of leon trotsky.the red army had the leadership of trotsky.trotsky built the armyinto a strong and skillful millitary force,reintroduced conscriptions and make good use of millitary experts.the millitary strategy and territorial advantage of controlling the centre of russia enabled the red army to move their troops easily from one front to another unlike the whites which were widely spread at the outlying areas of russia that hindered coordination of their campaign against bolsheviks.
hence,the victory of the bolsheviks party in the civil war was not only due to the weaknesses of the whites but lenin as a strong leader and trotsky brilliant millitary skill and experience that built the red army into a stong formidable force
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[Bob S.]

You might want to clarify up front that the "whites" refers to the old elements of the czarist regime and royalist supporters.
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper

[asterix]

The weaknesses of the Whites are important to a certain extent in contributing to the Bolshevik victory in the civil war. However, there are other important factors, such as Lenin (Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov) as a leader of the Bolshevik party and Trotsky (Lev Davidovich Bronstein), whose military experience was necessary for the victory.
The Whites were not united, as they were made up of many different groups with their own leaders.
Unlike the Bolsheviks, who were led by a strong leader, Lenin, the Whites did not have a strong leader to unite them, and they often quarreled.
The Whites were supported by foreign powers which made them very unpopular with the Russian people. Worse, the Whites had less support from the peasants, as they were very harsh in the areas they controlled, and they were often linked with the old tsarist rule.
One important factor for Lenin, as a leader of the Bolshevik party, was his brilliance as a speaker. He was able to ignite a sense of nationalism among the soldiers and peasants that made them want to fight against the foreigners and the Whites in defence of the newly-established Communist state, and his economic policy ensured that the Red Army received adequate supplies that were needed to win the war.
Lenin's political leadership ensured unity among the Bolsheviks that prevented them from losing the civil war.
Another important factor is the brilliant military skill and leadership of Leon Trotsky who led the Red Army. Trotsky built the army into a strong and skillful military force, reintroduced conscription, and made good use of military experts.
The military strategy and territorial advantage of controlling the centre of Russia enabled the Red Army to move their troops easily from one front to another, unlike the Whites who were widely spread throughout outlying areas of Russia. This hindered coordination of their campaign against the Bolsheviks.
The victory of the Bolshevik party in the civil war was not only due to the weaknesses of the Whites but to Lenin as a strong leader and to Trotsky's brilliant military skill and experience that built the Red Army into a strong, formidable force.

Please note: All titles and proper names should begin with a capital letter.
I 1st person singular pronoun is always capitalised.
I have only suggested a few changes to the English you have written.
I have not checked facts or opinions.
Although the Russians do not use the definite and indefinite articles, you should be careful of their use in English.
I would say this is a pretty good effort.