Job Discussion Forums

[omarr380]

Hello. How do I meet good Japanese people here? I have been to some bare and language exchanges, but haven't really got to know any locals. I've met some great foreigners, but I would like to meet JAPANESE people also. I have studied the language for several years and would like to get to know some Japanese who I can speak with.

Just to be sure, I have been going out and talking to people when possible, but I have met any particularly NICE Japanese. Christ, I met nicer people in Korea. People seem to blow me off or are truly inconsiderate.

Myself, if it matters, I am a 25 year-old African-American male ALT of average looks. I am in Maebashi and I have studied Japanese for about 5-6 years.

Could someone tell me where to meet half-decent people.

email: [email protected]

Thank you.

[Glenski]

omarr, How long have you been in Japan? Perhaps you are expecting too much too soon.

What do you actually do to meet Japanese? If you are an eikaiwa teacher, your work hours pretty much prohibit you from much daily contact except on weekends or late at night. If ALT means JET ALT, you have much more free time, but just where do you go? Bars? Clubs? Not the best place. What are your hobbies? Perhaps you could join a social organization of sorts (hiking group, wine tasting group, photography or painting group, etc.).

How are people "blowing you off"?

By the way, it takes a LONG time to get to know people closely in Japan. If you try to associate with students, you often wind up just giving free English lessons whenever you go out, instead of developing friendships. Often, but not always. There are plenty of foreigners here who have crossed that "barrier".

I can't give you any advice about Maebashi. However, if your language skills are quite good, some Japanese might even be afraid to get close to you early in a relationship. This is because many find it hard to believe foreigners can learn Japanese very well, so they feel comfortable with that barrier sometimes. Those of us who breach that barrier intimidate some Japanese because that sense of privacy is no longer there. So, you have to rely on other social factors.

[Gordon]

A couple of possibilities are:
You are trying too hard. Japanese people are not as outgoing when they meet people. Relax and be yourself.
Being black may be one reason. I'm not black, so I don't know, but they may be a little fearful of you. Maybe they have watched too many Hollywood movies. I know they some are scared of me, so it could be with you too.
Like Glenski said, they could be intimidated by your Japanese ability as strange as that may sound.

Again, these are possibilities. I don't know your whole story, but I know it took awhile for me to make Japanese friends. A lot of the Japanese friends that I have, I met in church.
I think it easier for women because there are more J-women around during the day, in the stores.... The J-men are always working and it is hard to get to know them well. Work is the best place to make male friends here or in some kind of organization.

[denise]

Funny... I would say it's easier for men to meet people. As a single woman, I feel a bit strange about (and thus have never tried...) going into a pub/bar by myself to try to hang out with the locals.

I've been here just about a year, have very beginning Japanese abilities, and have been wondering too about how to meet Japanese people not affiliated with my school.

I don't remember where you said you were (the OP), but does your city have any sort of friendship center? Niigata has an International Friendship Center, and they host all sorts of cultural events, language classes, etc. After nearly a year of only socializing with my fellow teachers, I am finally starting to check out the center. I have found notices posted looking for language exchanges, foreign friends, etc. The Japanese people who frequent such places are clearly interested in meeting foreigners, or they wouldn't bother frequenting such places.

Granted, it may only lead to language leeches/"freebie" English lessons, but personally, I'm willing to try that just to get a chance to meet people.

There's also a website--www.asoboo.com--where you can register and meet people. Friends, dates, etc.

d

[Brooks]

that`s too bad. It happens in Tokyo too.
I used to think the problem was not knowing enough Japanese.
But I think there is more to it than that.

Since people's lives here revolve around work, it is hard to meet people outside work. I think going to an International Center is a good idea.

[joncharles]

It does take time. I did not hang out with the other Nova teachers much.. I found some nice little places to have a few beers. Some were Mom and Pop neighborhood bars and a music/dart bar. At first a few talked as they wanted to "practice" thier English. A few hit on me for the free lessons... but over all, by the time I left after three years, I had some nice friends and I am still in contact with many of them.

[guest of Japan]

I'll agree with the above posters and with Glenski most emphatically. It takes a long time to make good Japanese friends in Japan.

Get to know some of the teachers you work with socially. You'll probably find the social studies teachers the easiest to persuade to go out.

Join a gym, or organization which you might be interested in.

International centers seem to be handy places as well. Although I still feel strange when I visit them.

Have you ever moved within the US, not counting going to university? I have and it can take a long time to make good friends there too.

Don't lose hope. If you do find people you are interested in getting to know better, a little kindness can go a long way.

[vash3000]

Oh for Christ sakes...

You are in Maebashi, that is the ESSENCE of GUNMA!

Have I not warned EVERYONE of this foolishness?

Repeat after me:

Do not, under any circumstances, teach English in Gunma.

You could try the Bronx, but it blows. Most people get their entertainment by going to host/hostess clubs. It`s pretty sad...

Takasaki is a little bit better, but not much. I reccomend Tokyo.

Best,
V.

(Ok, so you didn`t listen to V3K the first time, and now you`ve found yourself in Gunma. You can meet people, you can have a good time, and you can find yourself in all sorts of delightfully twisted love trianges, but the strategy is not for everyone.

And it does kinda suck.

But it works.

WARNING! WARNING! THe following suggestions do not apply to ANYONE who has any objections to them. Please be aware, I am also offended by "The Method", yet I am more offended by loneliness. A purely utilitarian brand of ethics does grip the mighty Vash under times of duress, extreme approaches must be adopted. Yes, no one likes it ... but what can you do? Life is too short to play by the values of anyone, including your own. All those over 30 should probably not read the following. And ladies, you could probably use the same approach on men, but ... whatever. Regardless, here are the dating tips straight from a ferral pack of Polish dudes who get more ass than toilet seats.
I, for the first time ever in ESL history, present...

The Method

(Only to be used in Japan. In the West, you`ll likely be arrested. Untested in other Asian countries, but I suspect it can be tweaked)

[shmooj]

somewhere recently there was a thread on this forum about making friends with Japanese. Try searching for it and it will confirm that you are not alone and your experience is perfectly normal.

[Judo]

Don't know how long you've been in Japan, because it does take a while. Find some kind of hobby that you really do like, and find a way to do it outside of work. I studied kimono-making (and took other craft lessons)both times I lived in Japan, and made some good friends, improved my Japanese, and learned a lot about the culture from the classes. When Japanese who weren't kimono making students learned I was taking the lessons, it gave them something to ask me about beyond the basic small talk - and something about Japanese culture they knew a bit about.
Another - male - coworker of mine got involved in hockey and basketball teams that practiced on weekends or late at night. Some of his students helped him find the teams when they learned he liked sports. I found that even if I hadn't made friends at the lessons, I would have at least been busier, had an interest outside school, and improved my Japanese. Good luck.

[cafebleu]

Vash - is life in Gunma still that bad? It sounds like the first place I lived in when I came to Japan in Kyushu.

Denise - I could not agree more! The men have it better than we do (I know Schmooj may disagree) because they can go and hang out at their local izikaya and other interesting haunts by themselves.

No foreign woman can do that in inaka, mainly because it looks strange and inappropriate, and women simply do not go to such places by themselves in Japan. In London I could go to a local pub and sit by myself if my friends were otherwise engaged and it is not considered strange or inappropriate.

My lovely partner rescued me from isolation, loneliness and boredom but not everybody is so lucky. Through him I met most of my friends, including Japanese friends who are great people and open-minded.

However, I do think (again, feel free to disagree Schmooj) it is VERY hard to make real friends with other women in Japan. I have found Japanese women of around 30 up do not understand the concepts of independence, making a life for yourself, and not seeking a marriage partner simply because it is the socially mandated thing to do in Japan.

Before I met my J friends through my non J partner (his Japanese is fluent so that opens more doors for him), I am sorry to say this but the women I met through the school I worked at sponging teenagers who had a great time hanging out at my house but never asked if I would like to see the local sights or go somewhere, married women who were overly interested in my private life, in talking about other women in the neighborhood and every petty thing they did, and live-at-home 30 somethings who although unmarried had never heard of the word `independence` and were very, very narrow in their views - and keep in mind I never discuss anything remotely controversial with J people except for true friends.

Any other woman who has had these kind of experiences with J women?

[cafebleu]

One thing Omarr - the fact that you are African American may make a difference. The stereotype of African American men as wild rappers or a little dangerous anyway is not unusual here.

I am going to add that as you would know, this stereotype is not unusual in your home country ( I wish I could remember the title but somebody in the USA wrote a great book about the culture of fear there and one of his chapters was titled, `Fear of Black Men` or something similar.) It is also familiar in my home country of the UK. I love the UK`s multiculturalism but not everybody thinks the same way, and unlike the Japanese white people do not have the excuse of unfamiliarity to be so racist as some of them still are against African Americans as well as other non-white peoples.

I should add that I am a hakujin - white person!

[vash3000]

Hey!

Thanks for the thought, cafebleu. Actually, life in Gunma has turned around for me since I`ve "morphed".

Foreigners aren`t well received in Gunma. Nonetheless, there is still a repressed fascination in the otherness that creeps out when you isolate the locals. Its as if the entrenched conservativeness is put on hold, and you can speak to a spirit that yearns for adventure, autonomy, and self-determination.

Gee, listen to me...

Anyway, this is relatively new territory for this tree-hugging, West coast, granola boy, but I`m having a party. Essentially, I treat Gunma as a holodeck (y`know, like on Star Trek), where I can experiment with the artificial intelligence.

Nothing is personal, and everything is untapped potential.

Best,
V.

(Hey, that might be my new sig!)

[shmooj]

[denise]

Not a nation of stereotypes?!?!?

You mean I have to re-think every thought I've had since I arrived here?

Sigh.

d