Job Discussion Forums

[zander7990]

i got a question for all of you who have japanese girlfriends or wives. i have read alot of ppl here who have claimed cultural differences in their relaintionship when it involves a canadian/american/gaijin with a japanese woman. can anyone give more detail on this...like some examples of the differences, wat they are or what kind of differences they have experienced in their relationships and how they have dealt with them?? i sometimes hear that women use this excuse when things arent working out in a relationship and wanted more insight on this.

[PAULH]

[Glenski]

A major cultural barrier with Japanese spouses or significant others is the lack of openness even after getting married. Can't tell you how many times my wife has said, "You have to read my mind"!! She also does not tell me some things because she is afraid of the consequences, no matter how open I am about things. (That may sound like I'm a threatening type, but that's not it. She is just afraid of saying what she feels much of the time, especially if it is a complaint.)

Cultural idiosyncracies:
1. She will send half a dozen emails to her brother or best friend in a night, rather than pick up the phone and discuss the issue.
2. She loves certain Japanese comedians, which I hate.
3. Although I don't love tofu and mushrooms as much as she does, she won't even try making a meal with them because she figures I absolutely hate them. I don't, but it just doesn't get through.
4. She gives up too easily on certain problems, citing "shoganai".
5. She often takes my complaints (against various things, not against her, though) as anger.
6. She refuses to wake me up when our baby wakes up, so that I can help her take care of him. She says I need my sleep, but this deprives her seriously of sleep.

[Nagoyaguy]

In my opinion, communication skills are vital. One or both of the parties should be confident in speaking the others' language. I could never understand how relationships work where, say, the husband cant speak decent Japanese, and the wife cant speak decent English. In these situations, culture probably takes on greater meaning as neither person is able to communicate their feelings or get a grip on the nuances of the relationship.

As for culture, in my situation it matters about 0.1% of the time. Cultural differences between Canada and Japan matter for nothing compared to the huge chasm that exists between male and female! When my wife and I disagree, it is a matter of chromosones. Gender is the key, not cultural baggage.

I married a person, not a flag.

[Brooks]

well let`s see. I had a fight just two days ago.

My other half says that I shouldn`t "force her to work". She works part-time. As time goes on I pay for more of the bills. We figured it out that since her salary is about 20% of mine she should pay 20% of the bills. But basically she wants to pay less.
I pay for her to go to translation school but today she said she would fail the exam. Great, that cost me 200,000 yen.

She thinks I can`t be friends with women. She can`t tolerate it if I send e-mails to former teachers I used to work with that happened to be female.

She doesn`t like Tokyo and wants to move to Osaka in March of 2006.
She wants to live in Japan for many more years but agreed to go to the US in 15-20 years. That doesn`t sound like a compromise.

I don`t know if it is cultural, just annoying. Comments?

[Gordon]

Brooks,
Are you married? If so, I'm surprised you divide up the bills. After we got married we shared everything. Money is not hers or mine, it is ours. When she shops she is spending our money and vice versa. My wife told me that she started spending less after we got married because it wasn't just her money she was spending. Now I make 90% of the money and she raises our child and is a homemaker. Money is not an issue since we are a one-income family, but it wasn't when we both worked either.

My wife is Cdn by the way, so of course it may be a different story with J-wives.
Very interesting thread.

[PAULH]

[ntropy]

Japanese women marrying "gaijin" and then not wanting to work is a recurring theme. My wife doesn't, even though she could graduate magna *beep* laude from a Canadian university. Says her English is not good enough!!

I sometimes think that's a main motivation for marrying a gaijin. Move overseas and have a fairy tale life removed from mundane concerns like work and paying bills. All of my wife's friends in Canada are Japanese. Of the ten or so in our town, all are married to Canadians except one, who is married to a Japanese. The Japanese/Japanese couple is the only one where the wife works.

I have spent half of the last five years working overseas 'cause that's the only place where one salary can support 3 of us ( I was working oil patch, a month in the Middle East, a month home). Canadian ESL salaries don't do it, especially when you add trips to Japan every year. My wife doesn't like it and wants me to work in Canada permanently. I tell her that's only possible if she works. Her Mom and sisters all work and so do mine, so why is it different for her? We tried it a year and she hated working, resents it and blames me. She quit and wants to have another baby or get an MA, both delaying tactics to avoid the workplace. Meanwhile, I've had to move 3500 km away from home (still in Canada; it's a big place) to get a permanent job. She has remained in our house. She was very supportive of me taking this job but is now delaying moving here. Why should she when the joint bank account is there and she can stay home having coffee with the other Japanese wives all day?

Is this how the fairy tale is supposed to go?

[king kakipi]

Well, I am lucky, I guess. My J wife works her butt off and brings in 300K a month, and before we came to Japan she also worked f/t when we lived overseas (despite her pay rate being quite low). Once we have kids, I would expect to be the sole bread-winner, but, hey, that would be the same for any J husband here in the same situation. Isn't that what you would expect marrying someone from Japanese society....?!

[Speed]

I guess I'm lucky too (knock on wood).

My wifey will do whatever it takes to make things work for us. Financially if my salary alone isn't enough, she'll work. This has been the case both in Japan and in the States.

Once she transmogrifies into a mom, she tells me she'll become a permanent fixture of our apartment until the kid(s) is old enough to pre-school it.

As far as cultural differences, I dated her and lived together with her for a few years before we married so I knew what was on her mind before I let her be my wife.

Like Paul H and the Nagoya Guy mentioned earlier, it's more the woman than it is the nationality. Gotta shop smart. Good luck.

[guest of Japan]

Thanks everyone for sharing your lives. It helps to keep mine in perspective.

My wife and I both work. I'm at a private high school my wife works at an international finance company in Tokyo as a temp staff. Our salaries are almost exactly equal. We split the bills down the middle and my wife has even been adding money onto my college loan bill I pay each month as she despises interest. My wife does not like our separate financial lives, but she has come to live with it. I chose this method for two reasons. First I don't want to ensnare her in my previous financial bindings and second I never want to live on an allowance. I was either single too long or I haven't grown up yet. It seems to me that keeping the bank accounts separate give each of us a sense of privacy and freedom. It seems to her that we're not acting like a married couple should. I'm sure I'll eventually give in on this one as I and we get on firmer financial footing.

My wife seems to really want to not be working (mostly because her commute is horrid). My wifes mother has always worked, so my wife has no desire to be a stay at home wife, though I think she'd rather work a lot less. Sometimes her working life causes hell in our relationship as she takes her frustrations out on me, so there are times when I really wished she wasn't working too. (I don't tell her that)

My wife really does want to live abroad though she admits she can't make a long term decision. We're currently planning to be out of Japan and in Boston as of March 2006. She would like it to be sooner, but it is not possible. During the first year it will be up to me to secure gainful employment while she works on improving her English skills. For this reason saving money now is a big priority and a flashpoint in the relationship (usually me that is in trouble). She will work part time and hopefully find suitable full time work later. Children are not really discussed.

As far as other differences both cultural and personal I echo what Glenski wrote. My wife is very poor at expressing her feelings. As frustrations build up inside of her she becomes more and more withdrawn, until eventually one of us explodes. My wife does express her affection and love. In this sense I am far more Japanese than her. In terms of language we are easily able to get across ideas, needs, and opinions, but the nuance of the language is missing and sometimes speaking to each other is more a chore than a pleasure. I often wonder if our relationship will survive.

Well I suppose that is enough for now.

[saloc]

I feel quite lucky too in that I don't seem to be suffering from too many "cultural differences". My wife and I rarely argue, but, as Glenski said, my complaints can sometimes be misconstrued as anger. Our money is shared and whoever happens to be going to the convenience store or post office will pay the bills. We have separate bank accounts, but only because the bank said it was impossible for us to have a joint bank account in both of our names. Does anybody know if joint accounts exist in Japan?

[Brooks]

yeah, my wife works and hates the commute from Tokyo.
Since she isn`t in Osaka I am the one who has to listen to her complaints.

She tried to have a child in the past (she is divorced) but was unable to.

If we adopt then I don`t mind working. But I don`t know if it would happen.
She does housework, and that needs to be done. that is work too.
If we both worked full-time the apartment would get messier.
I don`t want to hand over my salary like some men do.
I give her money.
I still owe money for graduate school, and I don`t expect her to give me money for that.

[AgentMulderUK]

[Celeste]