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Mom, Dad: I'm not gay. I've chosen the EFL lifestyle!
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Kent F. Kruhoeffer



Joined: 22 Jan 2003
Posts: 2129
Location: 中国

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 8:21 am    Post subject: Mom, Dad: I'm not gay. I've chosen the EFL lifestyle! Reply with quote

Hello Forum Readers:

OK. The title of this thread is a little flashy. I'll admit it. Shocked But there is a serious side to this post as well.

In the many years I've been browsing Dave's, I can't ever recall reading anything about how choosing a career in EFL has affected one's parental relationships.

Let's be honest: Telling mom and dad that you're heading off to spend a few years with the natives of Timbuktu can have disastrous affects on the 'family dynamic'. Admitting you're 'gay' may be far easier these days, no?

In my case, mom was devastated (not about being gay, but about leaving home!) Even after 14 years, she still hopes and prays that I'll wise up and return home to the good 'ole USA; you know ... get a 'real' life with a wife and kids, an IRA account, a detached house with 2-car garage, and maybe a shiny black BMW like brother has ... parked out front for good measure.

And then there are the many, many missed birthdays, Christmas Eve celebrations, and other family occasions when you'd like to be there, but can't.

Ok. My guilty conscience really bothers me sometimes. Sad

Aside from e-mail, which I do use every day to keep in touch with the folks, and the odd family reunion every couple of years or so ... choosing EFL has dramatically changed the relationship.

With my parents now in their mid-seventies, and the thought that they won't be around forever, this has been nagging me lately.

I'm just sort of curious if anyone else out there would care to share their thoughts on this one.

Warm regards,
KENt
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johnslat



Joined: 21 Jan 2003
Posts: 13859
Location: Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 9:05 am    Post subject: The trick is . . . Reply with quote

Dear keNt,
Both of my parents are dead now - but, back when I started teaching abroad ( 1978 ), I think they were just so relieved to see me doing " regular work " that they wouldn't have cared WHERE the location was. You see - after I got out of the USMC in '67, I pretty much " bummed around " for quite a while, doing all sorts of minimum-wage, REALLY low-status jobs ( even WORSE than teaching ) such as department store cleaning ( nights ), iceman ( but I didn't cometh - I worked inside the icehouse), private postal system, etc. Finally, in '74, I figured, " Might as well use the G.I. Bill ", so I went back to university, finshed off my BA and got my MA. Mom and Dad, who'd pretty much written me off as a " lost cause " black sheep were so thrilled at my " rehabilitation " that when I told them I was heading for Iran to teach, they were quite happy. See, the trick is - if you condition the folks into thinking you're going to be a no-account bum all your life, well, then even EFLing is a step up. Not too BIG a step, mind you, but hey - it's progress of a sort. But you also brought up a good point about those of us who are in EFL for the long haul. Sooner or later, your parents are going to start sliding into the hereafter. And what do you do then? Well, it depends a lot, I guess, on your family situation. After my Mom died in '93, my Dad starting " losing it "- Alzheimers. I have a sister and a brother, but right then, due to circumstances beyond their control, neither one was able to handle the situation. So, I resigned, went back to the States and looked after Dad until my sister was able to take over. I was abroad when both my parents died - never got to attend the funerals.
But that doesn't bother me - funerals are more for the living than the dead, and I'd said my good-byes to both, told them I loved them and been told the same in return. They're a part of me, as they always will be, and that's what's truly important.
Regards,
John
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zakiah25



Joined: 09 Feb 2003
Posts: 155
Location: Oman

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 9:31 am    Post subject: reflections ....... Reply with quote

Dear KENt
Well, the first thing that I think you need right now is a good strong evening libation - vodka and something, I should think!
Life is a matter of choices, as I think John was trying to say, and you have made your choice in regard to your career and from what I gather from your posts, you are enjoying your work and you put a lot into it. This is a good positive and something that I'm sure your parents would approve of.
It sounds like a good time to make a special effort towards a family reunion during the next holiday break.
Make this a special time for yourself and your parents - a happy time spent together that you can look back upon in the future whatever eventualities may occur.
We all go through stages of reflection and self-introspection where we ask ourselves the question, " What if I did this or didn't do that .......?" But ask yourself if you really would want to change anything that has happened thus far in your life /career.
I often have days where I think that I should spend more time with my family but it's difficult in my case when they are scattered in different countries. Why only yesterday, I was telling myself that Manfred is my "best friend" (I must admit, I couldn't care less if he never wins a camel race especially on days when he follows me around like a "puppy").
It could be worse (for your parents), you could turn gay and go and live in San Francisco but seriously, it sounds to me that you have made the right choices.
good wishes
Zakiah
PS ManFred says thanks for the apple.
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Capergirl



Joined: 02 Feb 2003
Posts: 1232
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 9:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good topic as usual, Kent! Smile

When I decided to head for South Korea in the fall of 1997, my father was irate. He tried his best to talk me out of it (certain that I would be in mortal danger the very moment I stepped off the plane) and he even went so far as to make idle threats ("I'll tell the RCMP you're smuggling something illegal"). Rolling Eyes Long story short....I went anyway and we didn't speak for over a year. By the time we had made amends, I was teaching in Taiwan and he had come to accept the fact that I was "gonna do what I'm gonna do". I don't think he recognized that what I was doing was a "real job" until I was hired as an ESL Instructor locally.
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Anda



Joined: 16 Jan 2003
Posts: 2199
Location: Jiangsu Province

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 10:38 am    Post subject: Um Reply with quote

I got into ESL teaching in 1990 for 16 months before deciding that I liked the work. Seeing that I didn't have a degree at the time I thought that go I'd and get one, which I did. My parents have always been of the mind that one should stay in the same job and would have been quite happy to see me as a hardwear salesman for life. I was working in a gold mining camp in Central Australia when my dad died and in Papua New Guinea teaching English to Russian Helicopter crews when my mum died. I had visited my mother a couple of months before she died so it wasn't so bad.
Most these days don't live at home in a Western country so it is little different where you work in reguard to getting home except for the expense.

Most work fields have their day and I don't see this English teaching game going for much longer so once again I expect to have to find a new work field. My future will probally be teaching agriculture if I get to stick around.
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Wolf



Joined: 10 May 2003
Posts: 1245
Location: Middle Earth

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I started EFLing right out of uni. I'll do it till I drop. All of my family and all of my friends back home (save two) think I'm nuts. Especially when I told them I was going to teach in China. Sad To them, "Asia" is this wonderful fantasy land where their electronics and textiles come from. (Hence why I call China "Middle Earth" even though it's a shoddy translation of "Zhongguo." That was personal. Embarassed )


Even now from time to time my family drops hints like "Oh, teaching over there will be a great expreince for when you come back." Rolling Eyes You see, you can't have a real job unlesss you're in North America. Even Europe and Oceana don't count. Crying or Very sad People emmigrate. It's not unusual, especially now. If you're parents see that you're happy and doing a job you care about - and doing it well - then I'm sure they'll be proud of you.

Living abroad brings its pain. Yes, you'll miss the family reunions, the holidays, etc etc. But we all have to make our own lives. If I stayed put just to be near my family, I'd regret it. Human beings have the desire/endurance to be wanderers.

I hope that when I work up the courage to tell the parents I'm STAYING "over there" Shocked , that they'll accept my decision . Confused (No they don't know yet. Mr. Green )
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gerard



Joined: 16 Jan 2003
Posts: 581
Location: Internet Cafe

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 2:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kent just how much hair do you have??? Wink When I told my parents I was going to Asia they said "OH Good riddance." Thanks Ma. I love you too. Anyway in this day and age its not a big deal. Not like a slow boat to China type thing ---OH weve been in transit for 3 months from HK. No its easier to call from here than a different province or state. No big deal and you can fly home ina day although I havent done it and dont plan to.

So I dont think this is like announcing to your parents that you are coming out of the closet. Not even close really. A few years ago announcing you were going to Asia was like saying you were joining a cult not anymore I think. Maybe I dont know. I guess I dont really have a point and domt know what I am on about.

Kent -getting a little bald spot here you know any good hair restoration projects???
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Mike_2003



Joined: 27 Mar 2003
Posts: 344
Location: Bucharest, Romania

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 2:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My mum couldn't give a monkey's. If anything our relationship has improved with a bit of distance between us, probably because she now spies the opportunity for plenty of cheap holidays in the sun Laughing
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PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 6:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kent I know exactly where you're coming from. My Dad misses me a lot when I'm away from home and it does make me feel bad. Having already lost one parent I know that I don't want to have any regrets about not having spent enough time with the other one.

I'm spending a few months quality time at home now and my Dad and I are getting on better than we've ever done. My time away has probably contributed to that. Don't go home because you feel guilty though. It will not do you or your family any good if you resent being there.

My Dad is proud of what I do and although he'd love to have me home full time he wants me to do what I enjoy. He knows I'll be going away again soon and he accepts it. He also knows he can visit me any time he likes, and he does. It's a compromise and it's not ideal, but no family is perfect. Some people live in the next town to their parents and don't visit or even ring.

Just a final thought though it's a bit out there and this aimed at anyone who is not missing their family. I knew a teacher who lost both parents suddenly while abroad. God forbid that it should ever happen to any one of us, but how would you even begin to make peace with yourself if it happened to you?
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MissMolly



Joined: 10 May 2003
Posts: 99
Location: China (USA)

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great topic!
I guess I'm lucky - my mom has an MA in TESOL. She always planned to live outside of America teaching. But, because life is life, she never had the right opportunity. When I told her I was going to China to teach, she was thrilled for me. She thinks its great.
My father had a reaction similiar to Capergirl's. Like most Americans, he knew little or nothing about life in modern China and thought I was getting into serious trouble. He even asked if they would "allow" him to visit. But he has come around.
I dislike missing all of the holidays and family events. But I can't see making a permanent home in the US just yet. Confused
Molly
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guest of Japan



Joined: 28 Feb 2003
Posts: 1601
Location: Japan

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2003 10:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kent, I don't think your anology was that far off the mark. I think my parents were always more open to the prospect of me being gay than living on the other side of the world. I think they were a lttle relieved when I finally managed to keep a girlfriend past the 6 month mark.

In university, I tried to do my student teaching in Europe. I had everything arranged, only to have by plan thrwarted because I couldn't find a teacher to work with. That experience braced my mother for the future, so when I told mom I was moving to Japan she simply replied, "Boy you really don't like America do you?" Since then I haven't gotten much pressure from my family to move back home. I do get pressure to visit and marry, just as if I were living in the same town.

I think mom likes always having the son in Japan as an interesting conversation piece.
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denise



Joined: 23 Apr 2003
Posts: 3419
Location: finally home-ish

PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2003 3:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What a fascinating topic!

I've noticed that, over the years, my parents (or at least my mom, my dad being fairly stoic) have gotten more supportive and lovey-dovey towards me. My mom always tells me how much she misses me--very sweet, but strange, given that even when I'm in the USA I'm still about 1,000 miles away from them. And she's very generous with the care packages when I'm gone. And I think both my folks are excited by the prospect of visiting me, my mom more so than my dad, who spent several years in the Navy and has already seen much of the world.

Those are the positives. As for the negatives--I lost two grandparents while I was in Prague. My family had never been close, but all of a sudden my mom got much closer to her family, and I was not there to be a part of it. It felt unreal--since I was on the other side of the world whooping it up (while maintaining, of course, a fully professional stance in the classroom), surely life back home had been put on hold?!?!? How could people die while I was away??? I also worry about how my own life will be affected--how long will I stay away? Will my career choice affect my chances of ever getting married and having a "normal" life? I know I'm still too young (27) to even have to worry about such things, but still, at 27 my mom was married with two kids and a house, and here I am nowhere near ready for those things.

Anyway, enough whining. I have enjoyed reading all of your stories & thoughts.

d
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Kent F. Kruhoeffer



Joined: 22 Jan 2003
Posts: 2129
Location: 中国

PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2003 5:39 am    Post subject: thank you Reply with quote

Greetings Friends:

My sincerest 'thanks' to everyone for sharing their private thoughts and comments on a topic that isn't always so easy to discuss openly on a public forum like this.

In fact, johnslat's closing paragraph actually brought tears to my eyes. Good Lord, Gerard, am I a 'hairless' wimp or what?! Maybe I just need that strong drink that zakiah25 recommended. Oh crap, it's Monday morning. Better hold that thought for a few hours.

In any event, it is very reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who thinks about mom and dad now and then ... especially in those odd moments when I'm sitting here at my computer, trying to put my feelings onto the blank page of my next 'Dear Mom and Dad email'.

Best wishes,
kEnt
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gerard



Joined: 16 Jan 2003
Posts: 581
Location: Internet Cafe

PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2003 6:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kent I was just referring to a post you made about being 22 with a "full head of hair." Sometimes I make jokes that nobody but me get. Yes there are some heartbreaking stories...Carry on.
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johnslat



Joined: 21 Jan 2003
Posts: 13859
Location: Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA

PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2003 6:34 am    Post subject: You're not alone Reply with quote

Dear gerard,
Don't worry - I got the reference, too. And have been wondering about the state of keNt's hairline: receding or not? By the way keNt, if it IS receding and some boor has the temerity to ask you:

" Hey, are you getting bald? "

Just answer:

" Not as often as I'd like. "

( Get it? )

Regards,
John
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