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go_ABs
Joined: 08 Aug 2004
Posts: 507
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 Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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Which? |
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Henry_Cowell
Joined: 27 May 2005
Posts: 3352
Location: Berkeley
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| Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 5:51 pm Post subject: |
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Did a moderator really edit moonraven's post? And that moderator didn't even preview his editing to see how the HTML tags were screwed up?
What exactly did moonraven say that provoked a moderator's intervention??? This is getting VERY scary. |
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moonraven
Joined: 24 Mar 2004
Posts: 3094
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| Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 7:35 am Post subject: |
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If folks do not want advice, perhaps they should not ask for it.
When you have logged as many relationship miles on the odometer as I have, come and show me your sensitivity and people skills.
The most sensitive thing to do is applaud when someone puts himself in prision or walks off a cliff? If it's Wile E. Coyote, maybe.... |
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PAULH
Joined: 28 Jan 2003
Posts: 4672
Location: Western Japan
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| Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 7:40 am Post subject: |
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| moonraven wrote: |
If folks do not want advice, perhaps they should not ask for it.
When you have logged as many relationship miles on the odometer as I have, come and show me your sensitivity and people skills.
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having 3,000 posts on the clock does not give you the right to be downright rude and obnoxious to new posters. You have used your age and gender as a get out of jail free card on these forums and your advice was uncalled for and callous. You have a history of upsetting people with your insensitive comments and Im about to start calling you up on it.
You will notice the Moderators are clamping down on personal flaming and insulting posts, and you, Moonraven are not above the law, here. |
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moonraven
Joined: 24 Mar 2004
Posts: 3094
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| Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 7:47 am Post subject: |
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Sorry, but I have not noticed moderators clamping down on posts which are insulting to ME.
Or do my age and gender and ethnicity mean that there is open season on the Moonraven? |
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PAULH
Joined: 28 Jan 2003
Posts: 4672
Location: Western Japan
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| Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 7:57 am Post subject: |
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| moonraven wrote: |
Sorry, but I have not noticed moderators clamping down on posts which are insulting to ME.
Or do my age and gender and ethnicity mean that there is open season on the Moonraven? |
What did this girl ever do to you that prompted you to tell her to dump her boyfriend and grow up? Did she ask for your opinion? Did she call you any names?
All I can say is that it takes two to tango. The recently closed China Off-topic forum is evidence of that, posters incite each other like its a sport and I dont have time to referee sandbox spats. How often have you emailed Moderators to complain about posters? Not often as far as i can see. |
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moonraven
Joined: 24 Mar 2004
Posts: 3094
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| Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 8:10 am Post subject: |
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Paul, I do not have to have it in for someone to give what I believe is very sane advice. Suffocating relationships are not relationships at all--they are one person attempting to control the life of another person-- unhealthy and violative of human rights, in my book. People without very much life experience are sometimes flattered by such manipulation and control--until they learn the hard way that there is nothing flattering about being a slave to someone else's ego needs.
I am not one to cry wolf, nor to set off a long shrill whine whenever someone says something to me which is out of line. I have, however, contacted the moderators on quite a few occasions--which to ME means half a dozen times or more.
I have also not posted anything on the China forum, and do not feel that I should be the target of your frustration in regard to same. Nor, for that matter, am I forcing you to be a moderator on Dave's. I assume that you have made a reasoned choice in continuing to be one. |
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St. Mongo
Joined: 20 Jul 2005
Posts: 23
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 3:05 pm Post subject: |
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um...i don't mean to sound bitchy, but perhaps we could get back to the topic of this thread, i.e my problem? Before we do though, please let me address a few things that have been said.
Moonraven; for one thing, your age has nothing to do with weather you have any sound advice to give, so just because you're apparently 81, (which is "three times my age" as you said) does not mean you know what's right for me.
| moonraven wrote: |
| Forget being super-serious. A relationship needs to be FUN. If it is not, it's a losing proposition. |
My relationship with The Boyfriend is a lot of fun, but we are also serious about the fact that we love and are deeply commited to each other. Despite what you seem to believe, a relationship that is nothing but fun is actually the one that can be unhealthy.
| moonraven wrote: |
| And super-shy boyfriends are not worth the time of day--super-shy translates to super-egocentric. |
What makes you think you're qualified to make such an obscure connection? If anyone, I have the big ego in this relationship, and as you may be able to tell, I'm far from shy.
| moonraven wrote: |
| If folks do not want advice, perhaps they should not ask for it. |
Though I did ask people on this board for their advice, I did not ask to be judged by someone who doesn't know anything about me, nor did I ask for anyone to tell me to end my relationship because it doesn't agree with their chosen life-style.
| moonraven wrote: |
| Paul, I do not have to have it in for someone to give what I believe is very sane advice. Suffocating relationships are not relationships at all--they are one person attempting to control the life of another person-- unhealthy and violative of human rights, in my book. People without very much life experience are sometimes flattered by such manipulation and control--until they learn the hard way that there is nothing flattering about being a slave to someone else's ego needs. |
I'm not even sure who you're trying to address here, me or The Boyfriend, but either way you are a) wrong and b) way out of line. Neither I nor The Boyfriend have any interest in trying to control the other. If we did, the problem I posted about in the first place would not exsist. As well, you seem to assume that I have no life experience. While I may not have as much as someone of your advanced age, I have enough to be able to tell when something is good or something is bad. The Boyfriend is someone good. Unfortunatly I would find it difficult to say the same about you.
You seem very angry, and self-rightious. I hope you can find a way to work past that someday.
As for everyone else, thanks for your advice, and thanks for sticking up for me. I'm still open to your thoughts on the subject, so type away, and hopefully we won't have to deal with a problem like this again. (At least in this thread.)
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Cdaniels
Joined: 21 Mar 2005
Posts: 663
Location: Dunwich, Massachusetts
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| Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 3:12 pm Post subject: Advice for those asking |
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I have to admit I find moonraven's outrageous posts entertaining, but I can see why she got modded, finally. I think if strong, direct advice was necessary, it would be from the standpoint of a educator in a foreign country, perhaps discouraging St. Mongo from going to Japan. (Korea might be a better bet?) or getting more education or experience teaching (almost always good advice)
St Mongo did not ask for relationship advice. I wonder if some people may have emailed moderators to complain about moonraven, bless her heart. Apologies go a long way, girl, even when you feel defensive, it doesn't hurt to say sorry once in a while. |
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thelmadatter
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 1212
Location: in el Distrito Federal x fin!
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| Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 4:50 pm Post subject: back to topic |
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I say that if teaching in Japan is your dream ... go for it! Think of it the other way around... if your boyfriend wanted to pursue a lifelong dream and you couldn't follow him... would YOU get in his way? Very unlikely. Dont accept less from him. A year apart won't kill a really serious relationship (besides he can come visit you maybe halfway through the year).
Youre young and you have plenty of time to settle down with a guy.
This advice is coming from someone who didn't heed the above advice and I am only now, at 41, doing some of the things I dreamed of. |
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Girl Scout
Joined: 13 Jan 2005
Posts: 525
Location: Inbetween worlds
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 2:34 am Post subject: |
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I really think you should go. Things may change when you get to be our age. (40) The opportunities to travel and work might not be the same. You are not going to want to look back at this time and regret your decision.
Your boyfriend said he is still commited to the relationship even if you go. Once you are settled invite him to come for an extended stay. Basically as long as a visa will allow. He may it an enjoyable experience and want to stay.
If you get there and find out this is not right for you you can always negotiate out of your contract. |
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moonraven
Joined: 24 Mar 2004
Posts: 3094
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 8:03 am Post subject: |
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To the OP and others who felt I was harsh and insensitive, let me say that I am very sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings, AND:
Read the original post. It sounds like it was written by a starry-eyed 15 year old--capital letters for The Boyfriend, can't BEAR to leave him, SUPER serious, etc. are simply not language which I would expect to read from someone who is apparently between 25 and 30. I am 60, and was using an expressive image when I said I was 3 times your age. I was originally inclined to say 4 times.
This is not the first time that someone has entered the fray of this forum presenting herself as a helpless little tootsie who needs assistance in making the simplest life decisions and then lashing back at folks who have taken her at her word--rejecting our opinions and telling us that she is controlling, a strong decision-maker and the whole 9 yards.
If you want people to respond to you fairly and sensitively, don't be coy. Be yourself. Define the advice that you want from us. And hope that is what you get.
Keep in mind, however, that nobody is obligated to see behind the mask that one presents on this forum. This is not a "real" place--it is a virtual place. |
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EnglishBrian
Joined: 19 May 2005
Posts: 189
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 8:43 am Post subject: |
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| moonraven wrote: |
| Read the original post. It sounds like it was written by a starry-eyed 15 year old--capital letters for The Boyfriend, can't BEAR to leave him, SUPER serious, etc. are simply not language which I would expect to read from someone who is apparently between 25 and 30. |
I thought that too - my mental picture of the OP has completely changed. But anyway, it seems to me St. Mongo has done most of the serious research about Japan and knows what she wants to do. I think Japan is like most countries. Unless they have a very special or language skills, partners do private tutoring to fill their time, or sometimes just get very lucky being in the right place at the right time.
For what it's worth, I worked away from home for a year (Hong Kong), going back in the holidays, but we were married and in our mid 30s. I don't see as anyone can advise on something like that.
Very best of luck to you though! |
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thelmadatter
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 1212
Location: in el Distrito Federal x fin!
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 12:37 pm Post subject: op |
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I, too, thought the OP was younger but it really doesnt matter. Many of us females can remember a time when we were consumed by thoughts of "The Boyfriend" yadda yadda yadda But that is the last person we should rag on. Such a tactic only causes such young women to block out whatever sage advice we have to offer.
Case in point. When I was 23 (and a college graduate), I fell madly in love with my now ex-husband. We were both military but were destined for different duty stations after training. Been together only 2 months. "Despairing" over what to do, I went to my platoon sargeant (a man I generally respected) poured out my heart and he laughed at me. Laughed.... I dont remember a single thing he said after that but Im sure it was along the lines of "don't get married" Well, guess what I did... And guess what I regret - heavily! Dont dis the OP's feelings ... they are real and overwhelming and can cause her to make mistakes... esp. when others "dont understand what it is like" |
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St. Mongo
Joined: 20 Jul 2005
Posts: 23
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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| moonraven wrote: |
| ...Read the original post. It sounds like it was written by a starry-eyed 15 year old--capital letters for The Boyfriend, can't BEAR to leave him, SUPER serious, etc. are simply not language which I would expect to read from someone who is apparently between 25 and 30. I am 60, and was using an expressive image when I said I was 3 times your age. I was originally inclined to say 4 times. |
wow. First of all, if any of you had ever read my online journal, to which the link is at the bottom of all my posts, you would realize that "The Boyfriend" is the character name I use when refering to him. There's no need for me to use his real name on the internet.
I have no shame in how I choose to speak, and I meant it when I said I couldn't bear to leave him. What's wrong with that? And, quite honestly, if we're going to judge each other by our language or how we speak, I wouldn't expect a 60 year old to be so harsh, mean, and judgemental. I would expact that at that age, a person would be a little more understanding and perhaps a little less jaded.
| moonraven wrote: |
| This is not the first time that someone has entered the fray of this forum presenting herself as a helpless little tootsie who needs assistance in making the simplest life decisions and then lashing back at folks who have taken her at her word--rejecting our opinions and telling us that she is controlling, a strong decision-maker and the whole 9 yards. |
I fail to see that at what point I presented myself as helpless, nor did I call anyone names, because if you knew me, you would realize "tootsie" is not an appropriate description of me.
Perhaps what you wanted out of life is different than what I want, but the desicion to possibly be separated from the man I love for an entire year is not the "simplest" thing. I want two things out of life; a man who truly loves me, and to explore different places. Making me choose between the two is more difficult than I think you can imagine.
| moonraven wrote: |
| If you want people to respond to you fairly and sensitively, don't be coy. Be yourself. Define the advice that you want from us. And hope that is what you get. |
Despite what you seem to believe, what you read from me is me. I have no reason not to be myself, and as for defining the advice I would like...that seems to be a little counter productive. That would be like telling you all what I want to hear, wouldn't it? |
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