Job Discussion Forums

ls650 · Joined: 10 May 2003 Posts: 3484 Location: British Columbia

One of the teachers I work with is a pleasant young lady; she's a very sweet person who gets along well with everyone and is well-liked by the students. This morning as I returned from getting some photocopies, I saw her talking on the office phone. She was crying and wailing as she listened to some obviously bad news.

After a moment, she threw the phone on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably. After a couple of minutes she managed to gasp out that her best friend back in her home country had been killed in a car accident.

Now she is scrambling to buy a plane ticket home as we enter into our mid-terms week. As you can imagine the mood around the office is quite bleak.
One of the negative aspects of TEFL is that we may be teaching on the other side of the planet when some kind of tragedy strikes our family or friends. Are you ready for such a thing? I'm not sure I am.

keepwalking · Joined: 17 Feb 2005 Posts: 194 Location: Peru, at last

Are we ever, wherever we are? At least she is surrounded by people who know exactly what it is like to be so far from home and so will probably go that bit further to do whatever they can to help her. Even if it is just a hug...

denise · Joined: 23 Apr 2003 Posts: 3419 Location: finally home-ish

How awful!

I know I am not prepared. Sometimes I just assume that life back home is on hold, and will resume when/if I go back.

I hope your colleague makes it through this ordeal.

d

Justin Trullinger · Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 9:03 pm Post subject:

One of my colleagues has recently lost a grandparent. Hard. And I worked several years ago with a woman who lost her father while she was abroad. Very hard.

I try to keep enough money, or reasonably accesible credit, to get the next flight home. Some places I've worked would be flexible and understanding enough for me to take immediate time off. Some I would have quit if I'd had to. But this doesn't mean that I'm ready. You're never ready for that kind of thing. But when it comes, you deal with it as best you can.

In these days of frequent flights, I'm not sure how much worse it is to be abroad. It's bad anyway. But would it be that much different if I lived several hours away in my own country? I don't know. But most days, tragedies don't happen. Which may mean that you have to plan at least as much for what lets you make the most of these days. When the tragedies come, and they will, I'm not sure how ready you can be.

Best,
Justin

Gregor · Joined: 06 Jan 2005 Posts: 842 Location: Jakarta, Indonesia

I'd say that "ready" is the wrong word for one's state and reaction to something like this.
It's happened to me a few times while I've been overseas - a favorite uncle, my grandfather and his brother(both of whom I was very close to), a good friend, and I've seen (well, heard) my little sister through a nasty divorce. Only the old friend and the favorite uncle were particularly untimely (grampa and Uncle Fred were getting kind of old). But most of you are right - it hardly matters whether you're right there, on the other side of the continent or the other side of the globe. It's a blow. But what can you do?
It helps to be the type of person who takes solace in work to be done. It helps me a great deal. The other family members of the people involved had one another. They didn't need me in particular, so I didn't fly home. It would just cause too much trouble here, do too little good there, and nothing would have changed.
I'd spend a LOT of time on the phone, crying and comforting and so on. But they had plenty of other people around them, and I had my work (and for my uncle and great uncle, I had my wife). It's not nice. And you can never be "ready" for such a horrible thing. But these things DO happen. It's life. And at least I know how I'd handle it.

By the way, after a while, you can never tell where you'll be when it happens. The good friend - one of my best friends - died when I was in Mexico...but he wasn't across the border in the U.S. He was in New Zealand.

Joachim · Joined: 01 Oct 2003 Posts: 311 Location: Brighton, UK

I was on the ferry from Macau to Hong Kong when my sister called to tell me that my mum had cancer, was having a major operation, and that I needed to get home as soon as I could.....it was devastating, as I was on "international waters" my reception kept cutting out, and I couldn't even complete the conversation.

Then the brain rush of having to organise an emergency flight, packing, sorting out cover, all the while knowing that my mum was being prepped in the hospital, tested for anaesthesia etc, and I was thousands of miles away.

It's also hard for the good things too, I missed my brothers' 30th, I missed friends weddings and children being born....I think its easier if you have people who love and support you in the "new" country as well as at home.

Perpetual Traveller · Joined: 29 Aug 2005 Posts: 651 Location: In the Kak, Japan

Interestingly this was something that was brought up several times at the AEON interview, they mentioned it in their presentation and it was one of the questions on the sheet you filled out in the group interview. I don't remember the exact wording but it was something like "What would you do if there was a family emergency?".

I did think about it a little bit, but kind of thought it didn't really apply to me, I have no Grandparents and my parents are still young and active. I guess I didn't really think further than them but this thread has made me realise that it is bigger than that. However, I think Gregor had a really good point, even if you were at home, that doesn't mean the bad thing will happen there.

PT

andyscott84 · Joined: 02 Nov 2005 Posts: 115

And a trgedy will still be a tragedy no matter how far away you are. But, I guess it does seem depressing to have to prepare for one, have an emergency stockpile of cash ready for it. That's why I convince myself to not be so sad when it happens, little I can do anyway.

tedkarma · Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 10:48 pm Post subject:

The issue of tragedies is something to seriously consider if you are planning a long-term career in EFL.

Both of my parents have died since I've been overseas. I was not able to be there with either of them at the moment of their passing - and that is something I regret.

But . . . I knew it was going to happen and went home to visit them more regularly and tried to give them a lot of special attention - that I perhaps might not have given them, had I still been living there. Because I purposefully spent that extra and quality time with them it was/is a bit less difficult. It didn't make sense to move back home on a "death watch" - they didn't want that - nor did I.

My brothers (older than I am) are now getting old and I am planning on returning to visit them more regularly now - knowing that their time will come too - most likely while I am overseas. So, now, I know I want to spend some great time with them - and I will.

Perhaps a lesson of it all - is to pay attention to and value those family relationships and maintain them. And, in the process of caring for those relationships be aware that they can vanish in the blink of an eye.

Justin Trullinger · Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 10:54 pm Post subject:

PAULH · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 4672 Location: Western Japan

I post on a forum in Japan where I have recently learned that two of the regular posters have passed away unexpectedly within weeks of each other. One was a healthy man with a wife and was only 37 years of age and died of a heart attack. I lost another friend in japan from complications of asthma.

Its quite a shock to the system when something whom you think you know as a friend is suddenly not there any more and realise how short and brutal life can be.

I lost my father while i was in Japan and did not go back for the funeral. Im some ways I regret not going back to say goodby (as it was 2 weeks before final classes and exams) and there were other issues as well.

I offer my condolences to those who were affected and you have my profound sympathies. Living overseas, obviously there is very little you can do but put on a brave face and deal with it as best as you can.

struelle · Joined: 16 May 2003 Posts: 2372 Location: Shanghai

You pretty much have to be ready to pick up and go in a moments notice, but people doing TEFL overseas shouldn't be a stranger to that sort of thing Wink

I know all about this. I lost my Mom while I was in Shanghai last August 2004 - she passed away in my hometown of Vancouver (where I am now). I was able to fly out in 24 hours and attend the funeral with family. I stayed for about 3 weeks to tie up other loose ends, then returned overseas for a few months - I later came back to Vancouver the whole of 2005 to do a teacher training program.

Tragedy sucks, but it's a reality ... how are you prepared to deal with it?

Steve

GabeKessel · Joined: 27 Sep 2004 Posts: 150

My dad had a massive stroke in February and died within nine days while I was in Oman. I flew in for the funeral. It was very sudden as he was quite healthy. I still can't accept it.

What's to do? Life must go on. And I flew back to Oman to work.

When I was in Thailand in 1995-6, a company cheated me out of my salary and did not sponsor me for my visa as promised. I had to live off my credit card while waiting for the salary and the visa that never materialized. It was a big and ugly inconvenience. A very humiliating experience that sends you packing with a tail in between your legs as the irresponsible cheaters sneer at you. And it wasn't Thais but Westerners who did it with their crazy and grandiouse plans of opening a business there.

Then, I went back to the US and tried to get a debt-consolidation loan to no avail. Looked for a good job, but in vain. After 18 months I found a job in Saudi and paid off my debts.

Money can be recouped but my Dad can never be replaced.

Hey, what's to do? Life must continue.

gaijinalways · Joined: 29 Nov 2005 Posts: 2279

These kinds of things do happen, and of course they are made worse by the fact that we are at a distance. Sometimes I can sympathize with my Japanese students a little when they are afraid of living too far away from their friends and family. I don't know if they are afraid of losing their support group or what it is, but they often don't live overseas for a long time, even when it would help their career or possibly broaden them as a person.

Life does go on, and economic costs seem like a small price to pay. I am going for a more happy event, an 50th anniversary party for my parents in the summer, of course a peak time to fly. Hoepfully we'll be able to find a slightly cheaper flight, we may even do a world ticket to collect air miles and console my wife in Europe (she still doesn't seem used to dealing with my folks, 2 days seems about the maximim).

carnac · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 5:05 pm Post subject:

For what it's worth -
My best friend in the world, a doctor, died a long, slow, painful death of cancer. I was asked to speak at the memorial ceremony. I told this story, which I have copied from a website. Zen.

Ikkyu, the Zen master, was very clever even as a boy. His teacher had a precious teacup, a rare antique. Ikkyu happened to break this cup and was greatly perplexed. Hearing the footsteps of his teacher, he held the pieces of the cup behind him. When the master appeared, Ikkyu asked: "Why do people have to die?"

"This is natural," explained the older man. "Everything has to die and has just so long to live."

Ikkyu, producing the shattered cup, added: "It was time for your cup to die."

There was a small tea party after the remembrance ceremony. A Baptist minister introduced himself to me and asked if I would mind if he used the story I had told in his next sermon. I told him it was not my story, but a story for everyone.