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abufletcher
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 779
Location: Shikoku Japan (for now)
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 Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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My wife is also the proverbial "elephant that never forgets" when it comes to things I've messed up on.
Actually, all of this goes to show just how unreliable interview and survey date really are if the words of the interview or the statistics from the survey are taken to be the unvarnished true. More recent approaches to ethnographic interviews tend to treat the interview itself as a discursive event in need of analysis and explication. |
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guest of Japan
Joined: 28 Feb 2003
Posts: 1601
Location: Japan
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| Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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Yep, my wife has me on a point system. Fortunately, though she never forgets my misdeeds, she usually forgets the points assigned as punishment.
My wife thought that an irrational response like the one mentioned is common with younger girls who are controlling and selfish. She recommends that anyone who dates such a girl should assert themself more strongly or walk away from the relationship. My wife is Japanese. |
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ebs.inc
Joined: 14 Jan 2006
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 4:49 pm Post subject: Gender Communication |
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| I'm getting a few responses on intercultural conflict, but others are primarily gender differences in communication. Of course, since we're talking about relationships, I'm sure I'll be getting a little of both, but does anyone else on the forum have any anecdotes regarding communication conflicts due to primarily cultural differences? |
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taikibansei
Joined: 14 Sep 2004
Posts: 811
Location: Japan
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| Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 5:41 pm Post subject: Re: Gender Communication |
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| ebs.inc wrote: |
| I'm getting a few responses on intercultural conflict, but others are primarily gender differences in communication. Of course, since we're talking about relationships, I'm sure I'll be getting a little of both, but does anyone else on the forum have any anecdotes regarding communication conflicts due to primarily cultural differences? |
That's probably because the incidence and importance of "intercultural conflict" in the context of most relationships is really exaggerated--indeed, I'd call it a myth. I've been married for eight years to a Japanese woman--can't think of a single conflict which arose just because she is Japanese. (Heck, even the "return to Japan" thing is something I've experienced in relationships with Western women...we all want to go/live where we feel the most comfortable.)
The international couples I know well--quite a large number, actually--all say the same thing: as long as you know each other's language and the basics of the culture, the primary problems you'll encounter are standard, gender-based issues you'd find in any relationship. Ma, in that book I mentioned, came to the same conclusion.
Now, I realize there are international couples where communication itself is an issue. Wouldn't know much about these latter couples--I have little patience with people in long-term relationships who don't try to master the native language of their partner/spouse. There are several couples of this type locally where I live in Idaho--none very successful. However, again, the problem is usually linguistic more than cultural--with the added caveat that anyone willing to marry someone without really talking with them first (or even having the capacity to do so) probably has other "issues" as well.
Just my two yen. |
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Nick5
Joined: 11 Sep 2005
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 5:56 pm Post subject: Re: Gender Communication |
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| ebs.inc wrote: |
| I'm getting a few responses on intercultural conflict, but others are primarily gender differences in communication. Of course, since we're talking about relationships, I'm sure I'll be getting a little of both, but does anyone else on the forum have any anecdotes regarding communication conflicts due to primarily cultural differences? |
I'm an American guy and I've been dating a Japanese girl for about 18 months now.
I think our biggest problem is communication. In relationships (and especially in english), a lot of communication seems to depend on idioms and subtle phrases that usually have multiple meanings. For a relationship to work, partners usually have to read between the lines with what is said.
This makes it difficult for us. I can't use english idioms, and she can't use japanese idioms. So, we both end up having to speak very directly. The only problem with this is that a snippet of communication that would usually only take one sentence turns into a 5 minute conversation just to clarify a point.
In other words, we end up saying , "I mean this....but I don't mean this, and I don't mean this, and I don't mean this, and I don't mean this, etc". When with a normal conversation between two native speakers, everthing would be understood without having to deeply explain it.
But, I must say that we have a wonderful relationship. |
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nachosamurai
Joined: 06 Feb 2006
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 6:59 pm Post subject: |
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Nick, I'm in the same exact situation as you. About 18 months, too!
I can't say for certain because your situation may be different, but I still speak in idioms a lot when talking to her. She is very interested in learning the non-textbook stuff and improving her English, so that helps a ton, but I teach her things if she doesn't understand, the same way she teaches me Japanese idioms and phrases. My Japanese is much worse than her English, (she's fluent) but we still both help each other and reinforce newly learned phrases by making an effort to use them with each other to help solidify them in memory. Idioms aren't a barrier so much as an obstacle, just learn to overcome them by practicing one day at a time.
We both find it very enjoyable to learn each others' languages' idioms, because they're often quite funny for both of us to explain something as silly as "deader than a doornail" when you have to take into account how it sounds literally 
Good luck!! |
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Lynn
Joined: 28 Jan 2003
Posts: 696
Location: in between
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| Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 7:00 am Post subject: |
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| Yawarakaijin"]When I reminder her of a similar situation a few weeks back she responded with a shriek of ZURUI !! Apparently bringing up a past and relevant situation to argue a present point is considered an underhanded and unethcal way of conducting an argument. I asked quite a few of my Japanese friends about this and the majority agreed with her, that it was not a fair way to conduct a fight. |
Oh, how I wish that were true for J-men. My husband brings up things from 1992. I am not joking. I say, "That was when I was 18 years old! You can't use that against me now!" And he says, "Saying you were young is just an excuse."
I did something when I was 20 (11 years) ago, it gets brought up at least 4 times a year.
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