Job Discussion Forums

[luckyloser700]

Japanese, especially males, are constantly burdened by the obligations they have to their employers, families, and friends. To call someone a true friend is to take on a set of obligations that most westerners can't begin to imagine. Japanese, having so many obligations, like to keep them to a minimum. Once a Japanese person becomes your friend, however, you truly understand how serious they consider these obligations to be by how they show unparalleled loyalty to you.

If you meet a Japanese person who you feel is someone you really want to become friends with, go for it. It'll take time, but you'll make a great friend. But beware, you may do something one day (you may never realize you've done it) that offends that friend so deeply, he or she might easily disappear from your life leaving you saying "Hey, he wasn't a true friend. He just wanted to use me for some purpose" while the unfortunate truth of the matter is that he wasn't able, for reasons only the Japanese really understand, to explain your sin to you. He'll be hurt, say "shou ga nai", and move on. He was really a great friend with a fatal flaw; He's Japanese and can't tell you what what you should know or need to know about having a successful friendship with a Japanese person. You should know these things already.
Of course, this isn't true for everyone. But, finding a really open-hearted Japanese male to become good "mates" with is a really difficult prospect.

Good luck.

[Like a Rolling Stone]

[craven]

Kdynamic's completely right about it being normal to go long stretches without seeing friends in Japan. I think the idea of going out spontaneously is also pretty foreign here...a couple of my Japanese friends have told me they when they tried to "run" with my gaijin crowd, they found it really stressful to have someone texting them about going out in an hour, rather than in a week! Planning ahead seems to make folks a lot more relaxed. I've tried to be a lot more conscious of the stress being friends with me puts on my Japanese friends, since I know how much it used to drain me to speak broken English and interpret unfamiliar mannerisms for hours at a stretch!!
Seeing friends occasionally doesn't bother me too much, because I tend to be fairly busy myself. I did, find it a bit off-putting when a couple of women I was friends with got married, after which I saw them maybe once or twice a year at best. I've got married Canadian friends back home who do that too though
Doing sports (judo, ultimate frisbee) with only Japanese worked wonders for developing male friendships, at least for me.

[kdynamic]

[luckbox]

[kdynamic]

[luckbox]

[kdynamic]

[japanman]

I don't know why people think that friendships between Japanese are any different from any other country. All freiendships involve various responsibilities and commitments, between Japanese males is no different than betwwen British males. British people like to get to know people slowly too.
It is also a general problem of livivng abroad anywhere. My mate from home has been living in Sydney, Australia for around seven years now. So you have the same language and a similar culture. He too finds it very tough to make real freindships with local australian men. who were born in Sydney.

[Mark]

I would just add that it isn't realistic to expect to make close friends quickly or in great numbers. People in similar situations can become quite close quite quickly, but those friendships tend to not survive the situation that created them.

I tend to go by the rule of thumb that I should be making, at minimum, one really good, close, new long-term friend per year, on average. So, if I'm in Japan for 5 years, then I should leave with 5 really good friends, Japanese or foreign. More or less.

It is true though that most foreign guys don't have any close Japanese male friends. The dynamic (at least in Tokyo) is to have groups of mixed non-Japanese nationality (men and women) and Japanese women (often ones who've spent significant time abroad) with very few Japanese men in the group.

As previous posters have said, Japanese guys are just too busy. They only see their closest childhood friends once or twice a year, so it isn't realistic to expect them to hang out with you every weekend.

[SeasonedVet]

It is True that they are busy but that is not the Only Nor major reason. I said in a previous post :