Job Discussion Forums

[denise]

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT in any way trying to rehash any of the previous dating threads, which I think tended to get a wee bit contentious. I am really truly genuinely curious about this topic, and would love to hear different opinions/experiences.

I've known a number of cross-cultural couples (expat/local pairings), some of whom were relatively fluent in each other's languages--although it was usually the local who spoke English fluently, rather than vice versa (damn linguistic imperialists that we are!)--and others of whom had major gaps in their proficiency in their partner's language.

Personally, I do not think I would want a relationship with someone with whom I could not share a full understanding of the same language--either mine or his. One of the reasons that I got into this field was because I love the English language--its nuances, wordplay, the ability to coin new phrases, etc. I would go crazy not being able to do that with a mate. Of course, I would love to be able to do that in another language--ANY language--but sadly I'm not able to. I've heard stories of couples who were not fluent in each other's languages--they used a dictionary to communicate, struggled through broken phrases, etc. Sounds romantic, but it's just not for me.

What do you folks think? How important is a shared language in a relationship? Does love conquer linguistic barriers?

d

[lozwich]

Hello,

I agree with Denise. I have a friend who is in a relationship with a person who speaks a little English, but they speak in the language of the local culture. This friend sometimes simply does not express what they need/want to say because they don't know how to verbalise it in the local language. I would find this limiting for myself, and not within my ideas of a 'good' relationship.

*However*. Living in a place where there are few foreigners, I am currently pondering the idea of going out with a local and putting to one side my ideas of the word 'communication', especially within a relationship. But then is that just a shallow expression of a physical connection, or the whole love conquering all boundaries thing?? I don't know.

I guess all anyone can do - as with everything in personal relationships - is to try not to impose too many rules and expectations, and just follow their heart.

Ah.

Have a good day,
Lozwich.

[Lynn]

I remember when I first started dating my boyfriend he had to use a dictionary a lot. I was so young though, I didn't even care. I mean, he was so damn cute! And sweet and special and he made me feel like noone has ever made me feel before. Now, 11 years later, he is completely fluent in English, graduated from an American university and has even done freelance translation at time. I also have become fluent in Japanese. I'm actually quite close with his mother who doesn't speak a word of English. This means a lot to both of us.

I don't think I could marry a person who couldn't communicate with my family, or I couldn't communicate with his familiy.

[jud]

When I first met my boyfriend my Italian was rudimentary and his English non-existent. We spoke on the phone every day from the day we met. Don't know how it worked, it just did.

4 years later and I'm fluent in Italian, he still doesn't speak more than rudimentary English.

There are many ways to express what you want to say, with or without words. In fact, sometimes the wrong or not exactly right words can communicate best.

[Jess_Laoshi]

It's absolutely one of the best ways to learn another language. Once you start living with someone especially, the language starts improving very quickly.

When I met my boyfriend he was a fairly typical Chinese English major, perhaps a little above average because he'd taken the time to make a few foreign friends and actually was pretty enthusiastic about learning English. We relied on the dictionary a lot, and both kept notebooks to write down the vocabulary we'd learned from each other. By the time I went back to the US, we'd been living together for about 4 months and he was practically fluent in spoken English, with an especially strong grasp of idioms and slang, and good pronunciation. My Chinese had also improved, and although we pretty much used English day to day, I went from barely functional to conversant in that same amount of time.

Unless you just don't care at all about communicating with the other person, more likely than not one of you will eventually become fluent in the other's language, which is a nice added bonus I'd say.

[guest of Japan]

They simply may or may not work, just like a relationship between people who have the same native language. These relationships do require patience on both sides and hard work, but they bring joys that other relationships may not bring.

[struelle]

[Alitas]

Interesting topic.

For some reason, I'd always planned on marrying someone who spoke a language other than English. It was on my "list", so to speak. There is a saying that two people from different cultures never stop learning from each other. I thought that was a pretty good idea. I considered marrying a Venezuelan but the fates kept us apart.

Ultimately, I married a deaf guy. A great guy. And he speaks two languages, one of which is definitely NOT English. It does take patience, but I am learning his other language. It's funny, because we really had to work at basic communication. I think we communicate better than other couples, because we accepted a situation, wholeheartedly, where personal effort is required.

What is fascinating is that my my husband does not consider sign language his primary language nor does he consider English his primary language (and those are the two languages he speaks--I mean, communicates with.)

[Glenski]

[Roger]

Languages are mirror images of how people think, and because of this I believe a binational couple should have two languages in common.
I spent ten years with a French woman and her daughter, and we had two languages in common, and a lot else.
It broke up nevertheless, through no fault of anybody's. I was not mature enough to commit myself to living in France for good, and my French partner was not willing to move elsewhere.
Today, I have sweet memories of that time which preserve some of my sanity when my sanity is being threatened by the onslaught of another culture.
That culture is the Chinese one that I have immersed myself in for the past ten years. The majority of my girlfriends knew at least a smattering of English, some had a quite respectable English command.
Still, I often feel there is a gap in our communication. It's not that I do not understand Chinese language or culture - I hold that I know a good deal more about China than my partners seem to: geography: I have seen and explored many more places than any of them had, yet if I say I like Yangshuo ten times better than Guilin they will say they like Guilin ten times better than Yangshuo.
Or there is that ominous silence after one of my questions: you get ignored, either because your question might be embarrassing for them, or they are unwilling to say anything to a foreign person.
This is not to say I do not thoroughly enjoy my life in China - I do. But I do feel Chinese are living in a world apart from the rest of humanity, keeping between themselves and us an ethnic great wall.
As an author titled his (German-language) book: "Within, yet outside of the door"
(A book by a German who lived in post-cultrevo China).

[denise]

Thank you all for your stories & thoughts! I particularly enjoy reading the oppposite perspective to mine--that it can work. Gives me something to think about...

d

[nomadder]

They say love can cross any borders or whatever. Knows no limits? I can't remember but it should be possible despite language differences since one can always learn another language although maybe not enough for completely deep conversations or subtle joke making depending on your age etc. In fact not picking up on the subtleties might be a good thing. And deep convos-recipe for disaster. So yes I think it could be a good thing.

But what about love on the internet. It always sounds weird but wouldn't it be sweet if 2 people here fell for each other?

Nah-too scary.

[nomadder]

I just remembered there's a TV show that sets up people who have met on the internet and most times it's a bust. Something about the chemistry or the fact that people glaze over some important details.

[denise]

[nomadder]

Go for it Denise!