Job Discussion Forums

[Golightly]

nice find, Runester!

[Sheikh Inal Ovar]

This one in my hotmail inbox from Skywards - Emirates Airlines;

'Visit Captivating Glasgow This May'

[runeman]

Australians might appreciate this one -


While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a
heart attack and dies ... because the accident and emergency ward at
his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,"
says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He
says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you
have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must
choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies
Howard.

"I'm sorry ... But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with
that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down
... All the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf
course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a
perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.
Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals
luminaries who had helped him out over the years ---Harold Holt, John
Gorton, Bill McMahon, etc. The whole of the Liberal Party leaders were
there ... Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively
dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the
good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and
peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster
and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a
tequila and relax, John!"
"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry
and it just gets better from there!"
Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he
thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like
himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the
Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's
time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on
the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in
Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things
other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or
short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the
food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all
poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like
someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Bob Menzies
never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day
in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for
eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background,
Howard reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never
have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all
-- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in
the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic
industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected
Australian outback. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed
in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and
putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in
pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Howard
and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked John, "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and
caviar and drank tequila We lazed around and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks
miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were
campaigning; today you voted for us!"

[yaramaz]

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says... "How many is a Brazilian?"

[runeman]

Worried Female Terrorist about to set off on a suicide mission, to friend:

"Does my bomb look big in this?"

[dmb]

3 couples in a hotel having breakfast.
The American guy says to his wife.'Pass the honey, honey'

The English guy thinks I can do that. 'Pass the sugar, sugar'

The Scottish guy thinks I can do that. 'Pass the milk you cow'

[MEDRACER]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[runeman]

Two sharks are swimming around the ocean and one says to the other "I'm hungry, let's go to a People And Chips shop".
So they swim to the nearest chippy and have a look at the menu.

"Labourer and chips: 3 clams"
"Intellectual and chips: 1 clam"
"Houseworker and chips: 5 clams"
"Politician and chips: 25 clams"
The two sharks look at each other in amazement at the price discrepcancy and ask the octopus behind the counter -

"Hey mate, how come the politicians and chips cost so much"

The octopus says -
"Ever try cleaning a politician?"

[dmb]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed
into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for
him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She is going to kill me.

What makes you think that?!

I got proof.

What kind of proof?



Wait for it.........................................................





She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[Golightly]

How do you make a cat go 'woof'?




liberally douse in petrol, apply match....

[comrade in arms]

What's the similarity between a cabinet minister and MFI?




























A couple of screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet collapses.

[lall]

Chinese Premier to Bush: These Olympic protests are getting a bit too much. Come tomorrow, we are going to kill all the Tibetians and fry one American alive.
Bush: Why? Why fry that American?
Chinese Premier to aide: See, I told you! He doesn't care what happens to the Tibetians.

[studymylesson]

How do you turn a duck into a black soul singer?
Stick it in the microwave on high for a couple of minutes,
until its bill withers...