Job Discussion Forums

[Laura C]

Hi all,

I've been browsing through these boards recently, having too much time on my hands since finishing work -- and noticed that quite a few posts mention manners, rudeness etc in Japan. It made me think of some of the comments/questions I got while a JET -- I was pretty stunned at the audacity of a few! The worst were:

1) How much money do you earn?
2) You smoke marijuana, yes?
3) You and your boyfriend -- you sex every day?
4) You sleep with many men in Ireland?
5) (said by a businessman at the train station as I was walking down the steps, daydreaming pleasantly to myself) You and me -- sex, yes?

and my personal favourite:

6) Wow. You have very big br**sts.

This last was actually said in quite a respectful tone!

Can anyone beat these questions?

And, especially for the women here, how do you react when you get rude questions like these from Japanese men? (I'm not saying foreign men, or women, can't be rude, but all the really direct questions/statements I got were from middle-aged Japanese men). Do you make any concessions to the fact that you are in a different culture and experiencing cultural stereotyping (i.e., of Western women), or do you take the view that questions like the ones above are rude in any context?

I'm going back to Japan within the next six months, and woe betide anyone who comes out with the likes of the questions above! I'm a bit older now...

L

[KarenMarie]

LauraC,

Wow! I'm interested to see how people reply to your post. I'm planning on living in Japan, and hadn't anticipated that I might have to deal with such rudeness.

Who was it who asked you these questions? Were they people in your social circle, strangers in a nightclub, on a bus, or where?

Anyway, here's another bb that might help you out:
http://pub26.ezboard.com/frealdiscussionboardfrm1

[Celeste]

Wow, Laura! That sounds like questions people asked me in Korea. I have not yet encountered that brand of rudeness in Japan. Where were you based?

[ntropy]

Got all of those while in Japan, except as I'm a man, the size of that other part. Even had people try to poke their heads and look while at public urinals.

The rudest, which still bothers me, is why are North Americans so lazy? I got asked that repeatedly while Japan was at the peak of its bubble economy arrogance. I've worked on three continents and working in NA is by far the hardest slog.

My Arab students, BTW, were wonderfully polite. The only annoying habit they had was of shooting people (like the government or other tribes) that they didn't like. Fortunately, they liked me. And I, them.

[april]

I never had blatant questions asked by strangers like that. I have been asked many personal questions but not in a rude manner. These are questions that my (Japanese) friends have asked me or from my students after having taught them for many months and a bond was formed between us. I was very happy to answer the questions because they were based on curiosity, trying to establish whether the stereotype of foreigners is true or not.

One of the most popular topics was pubic hair - colour, straight vs curly, and removal of. Sexual quations of course, but never about me personally, only generally. Me and my friends have spent probably hundreds of hours talking about relationships! Comparing Japanese ones to Western ones.

But sometimes the topics would get a little too personal, which made me feel uncomfortable. I answered the question but told them I felt weird about it. For example, one friend asked "Your arms are quite hairy even for a Western girl, aren't they?"; "I thought your b*reasts would be bigger because your bum is so big"; "How can western girls use tampons without the applicator? Don't you worry about smelly fingers?"

This is a little off-topic but feel like mentioning this. My friends made fun of me because I was shy about walking around naked in change rooms and onsen. And they were like "We are all girls! Why are you embarrassed?!" And then later on I discovered that they are incredibly shy about being naked in front of their boyfriends and they in turn were shocked to find out that I am not and will happily walk around in my birthday suit. "Oh but you are so shy with us!!" I couldn't explain why at the time because I didn't know. Later it dawned on me that perhaps it is because I was brought up to believe that the only time you're naked in front of another person is when it's for sex. So maybe that is why I felt uncomfortable. I got over it though and can now walk around naked...except when a woman in there has never met a foreigner before, especially not a naked one, and I notice her checking out my nether regions!!

[Gordon]

Can't beat that, April.

Last week, a student asked me if my wife and I were making babies (any time soon). Fortunately, she knew right away that it was totally inappropriate. I looked at my watch and said "yeah, in about 2 hours."

When I wear short-sleeved shirts, girls (university students) want to touch the hair on my arms (or do) and go "oh, like a monkey". I know they didn't mean it in a condescending way, just curious. But still......

Men checking out your package in an onsen, always.

[Dr.J]

I think some questions aren't as rude as you think.

For instance, the subject of women's breast size doesn't seem to have as much stigma as back home.

(But being propositioned at the station - give that guy a slap!)

[foster]

While staring at my belly, which I know is larger than it should be , I have had people as me how many children I have had.

Students ask if I am dating anyone and if I find Japanese men attractive (I dont)

As for the come ons on the train, I will not get into that...although I did have a guy han dme my picture sketched on the back of a 100yen store receipt once.

[Wolf]

The rudest things I heard were spoken about me while I was within earshot. One time I got onto an elevator, and two girls remarked that I probably account for half the registered weight limit (I'm a big guy, but I'm not overwieght.)

I'd say the giggling goes on my list, though. I'll say something that is out fo the ordinary for Japan, like "well, actually in my home country we don't go to shrines during New Year's. We really don't have shriines, you see." Giggles guaranteed (this is from my female students.) Sigh.

[Vince]

The other day I had a Chinese student (studying in Japan) ask me if I thought Japanese women were more "yasashii" than American women. I guess it doesn't occur to him that my mother, sister, aunts, etc. are all American women. I've gotten this question a few times from older Japanese men too, and it never fails to irritate me.

I agree that some of these questions aren't intended to be as rude as we consider them to be, but I think there are a lot of blatant insults too. There's no shortage of people who won't like you simply because of your skin color, nationality, or whatever else.

[Laura C]

Thanks for your views, everyone. (There were no replies for ages yesterday, leading me to nervously wonder if these experiences were unique to me. Maybe I just have that kind of face. Or those kind of b*reasts! )

Celeste -- I was based right in the centre of Tokyo (Shinjuku, oh I was a lucky JET), not out in the sticks as one might think from such questions! And Karen-Marie -- I was asked the questions by strangers mostly, usually people I had just been introduced to and whom I was talking to for the first time. The marijuana and having lots of sex questions, for example, came in my local bar after the owner had introduced me to one of the regular boozers there. But I got the 'big b*reasts' comment more than once, and once was from a young Japanese guy who was a friend of my Canadian friend -- he'd spent 5 years in the States and should have known better. That's one instance where I was really offended.

That's pretty much why I wanted to know what people think of questions like these. April is right to say that sometimes they are just through curiousity about foreigners, and so, like her I am happy to answer them if that is the case. E.g., I had no problem letting people know that no, as a foreigner, I don't smoke pot every day. (I've been asked similar drugs questions by my dad's friends, who assume that all pierced youngsters are shooting up daily, so I know this particular question isn't just confined to Japan.) Similarly, I was stared at in the public baths too, but didn't really mind as I knew it was just out of curiousity at the big pale foreigner. And, as DrJ says, a subject like breast size is maybe not so much of a stigma as it is in western countries.

But in that case, what do you do when asked something you think blatantly rude? How much concession, if any, should you give? Do you smile and say, 'Well, you know, in my country it's considered a little rude to ask things like that'? Or think, no, even given the curiousity etc, how can people NOT know it's rude to ask a stranger how many times they have sex with their boyfriend in a week? As April suggests, if it was a friend who asked me these things, out of genuine interest about relationships in different cultures, I would be more than happy to start into a good old gossip about relationships etc -- but surely a stranger would know asking this is rude?? After all, this was my first time in Japan, and I had heard stereotypes about the Japanese as well -- I wouldn't say to a total stranger (or to a friend for that matter): 'So, I hear Japanese men have verey small p*enises. Is that true?'

I have the sinking feeling I will be quite bolshie about this when I am next in Japan. (although this was 6 or 7 years ago so may things have changed?) Oh, and I am sure you will all be pleased to know that, regardless of not wanting to be rude/wanting to fit in with another culture etc, the guy who propositioned me at the station got barked at to 'f*** off'. Well, I do think he deserved it.

L

[shmooj]

[Vince]

[KarenMarie]

[quote="Dr.J"]I think some questions aren't as rude as you think.

For instance, the subject of women's breast size doesn't seem to have as much stigma as back home.

[quote]

Can you go into some detail about this? Even if it isn't considered as rude, can you tell me why a man commenting on a female's breast size would be a little bit rude? (as viewed by the Japanese) Is it that the Japanese don't have the sense of shame about the naked body that is common in Judeo-Christian cultures?(Although one poster commented that her Japanese girlfriends felt shy being naked in front of their boyfriends, so I'm confused.) Is commenting on a woman's *beep* an acceptable way to flirt? (I hope not.) Do they know they're being a little rude? How would a Japanese woman respond to questions about her *beep*?

Oh, and finally, would just giggling demurely and saying "I am embarrassed - we don't discuss these things in my culture..." be an acceptable way of changing the subject without being seen as rude?

[KarenMarie]