|
Job Discussion Forums
"The Internet's Meeting Place for ESL/EFL Students and Teachers from Around the World!"
|
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
CanItBILuvASaudi
Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 28
|
 Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 12:29 am Post subject: Re: Interesting!!!! |
 |
|
[quote="santi84"]
| CanItBILuvASaudi wrote: |
Are you really okay with the possibility of losing custody and contact of any of your future children if a divorce occurs? You are already divorced. You KNOW it could happen. |
No, which is why (and I should have said this at the outset) we have always agreed that our permanent home would be the USA. He never felt at home there, had been wanting to go to Europe or the like.....and I myself dont want to live in KSA my whole life. But I have made sure to tell him all the things that make USA a difficult place to live, just in case he entertains any ideas that it will be all rainbows and flowers here.
The question was whether we would spend the first year or 2 in KSA where I could experience his homeland before setting off. It would also give him more time to save money for our eventual move to USA (expensive place to live doncha know). Heck it would also let ME save some money, as Im living from check to check as it is in the US. But it's looking like if we do meet and carry on, our engagement may be longer, as Im not sure it'd be wise to spend my time there as his wife, maybe Ill come as a worker and get to know his family in the meantime. It would also give me a small nest egg should I encounter any difficulties in our marriage and need that money (even in the US).
So Im not completely starry-eyed as some blockheads here have previously suggested.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
CanItBILuvASaudi
Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 28
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 12:46 am Post subject: Re: Interesting!!!! |
|
|
[quote="santi84"]
| CanItBILuvASaudi wrote: |
people on the internet can tell you the world and promise you the world and you couldn't prove otherwise. This has nothing to do with his location or religion - it is true of all long-distance online relationships. . |
Ithink the portrayal of online relationships as somehow uniquely risky is exaggerated. I mean, once you meet, it becomes, in effect, equal to relationships that proceeded from an in-person encounter. You can verify things....hell, *I* have already verified things by having sent someone to his workplace to verify that he does do what he says he does. And Im half a world away.
I think a Saudi guy and American girl can meet in person and end in divorce simply because she is unaware of Islamic or Saudi worldviews. I think what it boils down to is your awareness of what youre getting into. And whether your courtship started in person or online, thats a pitfall anyone can suffer from.
In our case, meeting in person is just a little more expensive than for most people.  But it's a challenge we're both willing to take. He is so encouraging of who I am, and understanding of my background as a divorced woman, as a convert, as a person inhabiting two seemingly opposing worlds ("islamic" and "western"). What I admire about him is his sincerity, responsibility towards his family, and his ability to intellectually converse with me despite having a HS diploma only. I also like that he knows how to fix stuff. Thats sexy to me. 
  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
santi84
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
Posts: 1317
Location: under da sea
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:02 am Post subject: Re: Interesting!!!! |
|
|
[quote="CanItBILuvASaudi"]
| santi84 wrote: |
| CanItBILuvASaudi wrote: |
people on the internet can tell you the world and promise you the world and you couldn't prove otherwise. This has nothing to do with his location or religion - it is true of all long-distance online relationships. . |
Ithink the portrayal of online relationships as somehow uniquely risky is exaggerated. I mean, once you meet, it becomes, in effect, equal to relationships that proceeded from an in-person encounter. You can verify things....hell, *I* have already verified things by having sent someone to his workplace to verify that he does do what he says he does. And Im half a world away.
|
I also met my husband online (that being said, we went on our first date after one day). Problems arise when someone enters into a long-distance relationship without meeting - they can create an ideal relationship that exists somewhere between fantasy and reality. You would not be the first woman (in the Kingdom, in the USA, or anywhere for that matter) to say that her online love is liberal and not like a certain stereotype. The only difference between that and your situation is that you could be in a situation that really could be disastrous if you were in Saudi. As you already know, Egypt and Saudi are worlds apart, even if you can view the shores of the Kingdom from Dahab.
But you have made up your mind, good luck with your decision. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Mia Xanthi
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 955
Location: why is my heart still in the Middle East while the rest of me isn't?
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:21 am Post subject: |
|
|
| If he only has a high school diploma, what kind of work will he find in the United States? I have many friends who have married their Arab sweethearts in the US, only to see the marriage fail because the man cannot find a job and becomes resentful of a wife who has to support him. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
CanItBILuvASaudi
Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 28
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:23 am Post subject: Re: Interesting!!!! |
|
|
| santi84 wrote: |
| You would not be the first woman (in the Kingdom, in the USA, or anywhere for that matter) to say that her online love is liberal and not like a certain stereotype. |
Im not saying he's liberal. Im saying hes liberal and conservative in the right things, at least for me. Those women youre talking about are women who expect their Saudi husband to meet them more than halfway. More often than not he is meeting her on her terms by being too liberal. I dont demand this from him.
| Quote: |
| But you have made up your mind, good luck with your decision. |
And what else is there? Turn him down out of fear of what might happen worst case scenario? I could meet a guy who lives down the street and it could end in divorce. I could meet a guy with a Masters degree like me. But what I want is a guy who knows the meaning of hard work, and I think if you grew up as he did grazing sheep in a village from dawn til dusk, you know what a hard life is. And you have a unique perspective once you move to a city like Jeddah and own a small business. I dont think many people have had his life experiences. They truly are extremes, which perhaps explain why he is even-handed in his philosophies.
Bottom line- Its in Allah's hand we just have to tie our camel first.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
CanItBILuvASaudi
Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 28
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:31 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Mia Xanthi wrote: |
| If he only has a high school diploma, what kind of work will he find in the United States? I have many friends who have married their Arab sweethearts in the US, only to see the marriage fail because the man cannot find a job and becomes resentful of a wife who has to support him. |
This is a question he has asked himself and that is why he is getting a second job so he can return to school. He is doing this before even meeting me. He considers marrying me a challenge but one he wants to try because he likes me a lot, alhamdulillah.
My Egyptian husband found a job waiting at a ritzy restaurant at a 5 star hotel within 2 weeks of landing here. If an Arab man cannot find a job in the US something is seriously wrong. But I do understand financial strains; that applied to my first marriage. I dont think its a dealbreaker if a man is willing to put in sometime to improve his situation pre-marriage. Thanks for your concern. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
veiledsentiments
Joined: 20 Feb 2003
Posts: 17644
Location: USA
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 3:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
You seem to have thought out most of the things we have pointed out or we have confirmed things that you had been thinking. But here is a question that I would normally bring up to someone who was thinking of marrying an Egyptian. I lived there for a few years. Egyptians are notorious for trying to marry Western women... for the completely unromantic, but sensible, reason that they want to get out of Egypt and have a US or EU passport. (I have known so many examples of unhappy endings...)
I found the Muslims of the Middle East to be very pragmatic about marriage... putting future economic possibilities ahead of romance and all that claptrap.  Now, I'm not saying that he is *only* interested in you because he sees you as a way to get out of Saudi Arabia and/or help him financially to get more education. And, if he were a rich upper-class Saudi, I wouldn't even mention this... but your comment that he isn't educated and wants out of Saudi does look a bit worrisome. The reality is that you are his ticket out... and with only a HS education his future in the US doesn't look very good. He could never get a visa to go there on his own.
If you were my granddaughter... and you are about the right age...  I would be worried about a lot of this. First step for you... get a CELTA!! Then you can start your plan to get a job there and see how it all goes.
VS |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
CanItBILuvASaudi
Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 28
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 5:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
| veiledsentiments wrote: |
but your comment that he isn't educated and wants out of Saudi does look a bit worrisome. The reality is that you are his ticket out... and with only a HS education his future in the US doesn't look very good. He could never get a visa to go there on his own.
VS |
I dont mean to crap all over your intentions here but, who would want a ticket out of Saudi? As a Saudi national he gets first dibs on many jobs, meanwhile Americans are whining about outsourcing and jobs going to immigrants. Moreover who'd want to come to a country that will go bankrupt under its current healthcare system, while in KSA its free, and not only that, they pay no taxes?
Coming from Egypt, I understand. But dreaming of leaving KSA, I dont really think that adds up. I mean if his father hadnt died and if his older brother were considered the next most responsible one, then he might have a BA right now. But since that was not the case, I think he cant be penalyzed for having stepped up to the plate when he was needed.
Any small discount he may receive on my mahr (and its small indeed) would be more than cancelled out by his plane ticket, immigration paperwork fees ($600 a pop everytime they ask for new paperwork it seems) and all the other costs of moving to the USA....which becomes even more expensive once you get here! Bottom line, if financial well-being is his primary goal here, he couldnt have chosen a worse idea.
Im gonna look into the CELTA. But MAN its expensive! Id have to drive to NYC and get put up in a dorm there just to complete the thing! Did anyone look at the link to ICAL I posted? are you sure theres no such thing as a reputable online course? Its so expensive otherwise!  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
CanItBILuvASaudi
Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 28
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 5:39 am Post subject: |
|
|
| My Saudi guy lives in al Safa area. Can anyone who's been to Jeddah tell me anything about his socioeconomic status based on this? I hear it's middle class and mostly people who came in later years, (Bedouins). True? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
trustedteacher
Joined: 10 Dec 2009
Posts: 53
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 5:39 am Post subject: It's about how you make it HAPPEN!!! |
|
|
My husband only came to the US with a two year AA degree in Early Childhood Education . That was about seven years ago. He now has a Fire Safety Directors license, works for the airlines and has military clearance. He now also has his US citizenship and is considering other positions.
It is not just about what you have to start, it is also about how you apply yourself when you come to the US. The reason why men from other countries succeed in America faster then some born and raised because they take nothing for granted. Many Arab men in the US own businesses, and form networks to help each other. I am quite sure your husband if he applies himself and networks with the Muslim community in NY he will be fine!!!
If your Saudi Sweetheart is bilingual, he can always apply for jobs that require his bi lingual skills. The good thing about NY is that you can always certify to work for different jobs. My husband when he first came to the US he was a security guard for the Hotels. He then took the test and studied to be a Fire Safety Director. Then he tried for North American Airlines which flies the military and he obtained a bachelors online.
It is about how you apply yourself. If your husband is ambitious then he can make it in America.
I think you should live with him in Saudi as a teacher under your own terms. First go there work and then get to know him. You see the REAL him in his hometown in his backyard. Then you can see whether or not he is your caliber, and not just phone mush.
I dont care where a man is from they all can take the sugar until it is time for the real deal. At least if you live in Saudi get to know him then marry him you can then clearly see how the marriage will work out.
As far as him just wanting to marry you to come to the US, I think the best way to test those waters is to get to know him and his family first and then marry him. Give yourself a couple of years before trying to bring him to the US. If he can give you a comfortable lifestlye there or somewhere else in the Gulf if you do not want to live in Saudi then that might be better. The economic situation in the US is just not good now anyway.
Marriage is a gamble no matter who you marry and where they are from so to say marrying a Saudi will end in a not without my daughter situation is a stereotype!!!! You have American men who kidnap their children over custody battles, most child abduction cases in America are from child custody battles!!!!
Pray on it. If this man is for you ask Allah to make it easy, if it is not ask Allah to remove the love for him from your heart and replace with something better.
I have seen Saudi men be very kind to their wives. They even push the shopping cart for them in grocery stores. Most men dont even have the patience to go shopping with their wife, let alone push the cart for them!!!
I think the best thing overall is to go to Saudi, I think then most of your concerns will come to light.
May Allah help you!!!!  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
CanItBILuvASaudi
Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 28
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 5:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thank you trustedteacher for your balanced advice.  I had a plan before, but thanks to you and the others I have fleshed it out further. Ill keep everyone updated about my progress with Romeo. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
littleoldlady
Joined: 06 Apr 2009
Posts: 286
Location: knitting heaven
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 7:45 am Post subject: |
|
|
Listen to 007. He knows what he's talking about.
Love does NOT conquer all.
Take heed from a wise old lady. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
007
Joined: 30 Oct 2006
Posts: 2684
Location: UK/Veteran of the Magic Kingdom
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 12:01 pm Post subject: Re: It's about how you make it HAPPEN!!! |
|
|
| trustedteacher wrote: |
| If this man is for you ask Allah to make it easy, if it is not ask Allah to remove the love for him from your heart and replace with something better. |
Love without piety is mischief.
Love and romance exist only in Hollywood films and Ali Baba adventures!
| Quote: |
| I have seen Saudi men be very kind to their wives. They even push the shopping cart for them in grocery stores. Most men dont even have the patience to go shopping with their wife, let alone push the cart for them!!! |
Well, in Canada and USA, also men push the shopping cart for their wives!
I think it has to do with loosing independence from their wives!
At the end, it is men who are going to pick up their wallets and pay for the groceries of their wives! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Sheikh N Bake
Joined: 26 Apr 2007
Posts: 1307
Location: Dis ting of ours
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| CanItBILuvASaudi wrote: |
I dont mean to crap all over your intentions here but, who would want a ticket out of Saudi?
But dreaming of leaving KSA, I dont really think that adds up. : |
Why don't you spend some time over here before making that assumption. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
CanItBILuvASaudi
Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 28
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Sheikh N Bake wrote: |
| CanItBILuvASaudi wrote: |
I dont mean to crap all over your intentions here but, who would want a ticket out of Saudi?
But dreaming of leaving KSA, I dont really think that adds up. : |
Why don't you spend some time over here before making that assumption. |
Fair enough, but if the reason is financial...dont you agree with the points I listed? Can you disprove any of them?
Easy to dismiss things with a cheeky line, much harder to have a point-by-point discussion.
Are all the British men on here equally breecher-twisted? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
This page is maintained by the one and only Dave Sperling.
Contact Dave's ESL Cafe
Copyright © 2018 Dave Sperling. All Rights Reserved.
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group
|
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Register
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
