Job Discussion Forums

[thelmadatter]

OK ladies (and maybe gents)...

For the 3rd time in less than 5 months Ive been hit upon very strongly by a married guy. By "hit on strongly" I mean anything from being asked out on a date, one guy trying to get a kiss out of me (my landlord!) and today some guy tried to give me a impromptu back massage after telling me he was married (Im in Acapulco now on vacation.)

I know that this is not uncommon and I know about cultural differences but sheesh! So what stories do you all have and maybe some suggestions? Ive managed to duck and evade and/or yell NO depending on what works. I wonder if I am unwittingly inviting some of this unwanted attention or if these guys assume that since I am a divorced woman living alone in a foreign country Im fair game? Interestingly enough, Ive not gotten such unwanted attention from any divorced or single guys I have met. In fact, one divorced guy I know (we are friends only) told me that I must be "really conservative" to be so against dating or whatever with a married guy. I found that humorous for some reason. Maybe because this same guy helped me out with my landlord situation by posing as my boyfriend. Now my landloard treats me with utter deference.

I guess it is one thing to "know about" a thing like this and quite another to experience it.

[saraswati]

When I first began teaching, I had a student named Jose Luis who hit on me continually. When I finally "lost it" and asked how it was possible for him to be asking me out, he replied, "Jose is married, Luis is not." Unfortunately, too many men here seem to adhere, all too conveniently, to the "out of sight, out of mind" policy. I've even heard some women say that they aren't concerned with what their husbands do outside of their homes. Thankfully, that seems to be changing...

In my time here, I've found that just saying something to the effect of "...but, aren't you married?" in a very shocked tone seems to send them off in another direction.

[moonraven]

What you've both mentioned is very typical stuff here in Mexico. There's no need to take it seriously. These guys, in many cases, are not really all that interested, but they believe they are expected to make passes. When rejected, they are usually very good-humored about it--so why not be a little humorous when you reject them? A sense of humor is highly valued in this culture.

I know that a landlord who is wrapped around your doorframe like the snake in the Garden of Eden every time you come home can be a little tiresome. Especially if he has puppy dog eyes and tells you you're the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and all the rest of it. A sweet smile, and a comment to the effect that of course he understands that you are always so busy that you don't have time to talk with him, sorry--works fine. If he persists, the same sweet smile and the comment, "En sus sue�os", usually provokes a resigned smile....

On the positive side, the fact that these guys seem to be always ready to rock and roll means that if YOU are interested, you don't have to go through a bunch of silly ploys to get something going. All you have to do is say, �C�mo no?

[MELEE]

I think they do assume that a divorced women living alone is fair game.
They think, you were married, so you're not a virgin, and your foriegn so you must be crazy for sex. Think about how women act in hollywood movies, in less than two hours, they've met a guy and gone to bed with him. I've particularly seen this problem with the women that I've worked with who have been 40 or older. In one memorible case, a teachers landlord told her he could do her "the favor" because he assumed that she must be climbing the walls after so many months without a man!!!

Now, that's not to say that the younger females don't get unwanted attention!!!!! But there is definately a difference, I've never been hit on by older married men, but I've gotten more marriage proposals from guys I've hardly knew than I ever thought possible. Actually getting married (I knew him quite well when I accepted ) cut down on the unwanted attention, but didn't eliminate it. I have, however, recently found a way to recieve nothing but the most respectful treatment from males of all ages (though women have started staring at me ), but I don't think many of the females on this board are up for it .

[saraswati]

What would that be, MELEE? We're all ears...or eyes as the case may be.

[scott wilhelm]

It has always made me feel very uncomfortable when a married woman hits on me. But, I like it when single women do. Is it common for single Mexican women to hit on a guy ? I'm hoping that it is. (Male ego you know). I'm 47 and not Tom Cruise. But when I dye my beard, dress up a little and keep myself toned up with running and weight-lifting, I'm a little bit more than presentable. Any hope for me to get asked out in Mexico ? If that's not part of the program there, do single Mexican women tend to react favorably when an American guy asks them out ? I didn't know if being American was seen as a plus or a minus by Mexican women.
Thanks,

[MELEE]

[delacosta]

Aww c'mon MELEE. I'm drawing blanks here. You stopped riding your bike six months ago and for the same reason married men don't hit on you? I don't get the connection...

[Olivia]

Melee - are you pregnant? So Mexicans don't hit on pregnant women?

[delacosta]

Now that makes sense...See a man never would have made that connection. If so, congratulations!

[MixtecaMike]

Good news Scott, I was a 35-year-old scruffy male with an inferiority complex when I first hit Latin America (Guatemala) and had no shortage of female attention. I even used to get whislted at by Jr. High School girls.

Now I'm a 42 year old married slightly scruffy male with an ego the size of Australia, and while I don't get hit on so much (my wife is VERY jealous) in case of becoming divorced I'm sure I would be "Lonesome no more."

Just a warning, the male pays for EVERYTHING and this is no garantee the the female will ..., but you can expect to have a raging social life.

Olivia and delacosta, double your guess

[thelmadatter]

Thanks for the replies... Im glad to know Im not crazy. However, a "como no" is definitely not in the cards for me. Call me narrow-minded or whatever but I just cant go there. Besides, I dont "have" to. Ive met some really nice divorced/single men there (thanks match.com!). I also think that getting pregnant is also quite out of the question!!!! Besides that tactic would work only for about 9 months, tops. But congrats MELEE if you are preggers!

[saraswati]

Yes, I second or is it third the congratulations to MELEE!

I have to say, though, that when I was pregnant, I was still getting hit on. I guess some men find the duck waddle REALLY sexy.

[seanie]

About unwanted advances to women: maybe delacosta hit the nail on the head when he said (parphrasing) that men and women think differently. I refer specifically to moonraven's advice to thelma. She said, I think, to be firm but smile. Every time I see a woman smile in such situations I think she is sending the wrong message. I'd say be as firm and unsmiley as possible. (I'd really like to say the solution is a quick kick to the cojones, but...)

As for Scott, Mike is correct: you shouldn't lack attention.

It's bizarre, but I get the feeling that speaking English is somehow seen as "prestigious". Also, has anyone else heard this?[in Spanish] :"I don't understand a word of English, but could you just say something in English to me? I love the sound of it." (sweet nothings??)

Being a foreigner also seems to be a plus. An example: my scruffily dressed Mexican host brother was refused entry into a disco, but when I went up to the bouncer - equally scruffily dressed - it was adelante ("go right ahead"). When I said I wouldn't enter without my brother, it was adelante to both of us.

The less indigenous you look is a plus. An example: one girl in Xalapa was refused a job as a shop assistant in a big department store in Xalapa because she was "too indian" (I know "indian" is not a politically correct term, but that's what was said in Spanish...not to the girl's face, of course.)

The lighter-skinned you are is a plus. Ever seen a Mexican telenovela?

Earning over the average annual wage (US$5,530 in 2001 according to the World Bank) is a plus.

So I mentioned 5 things. I'd say if you fit into at least 3 of the five categories, you'll be a hit!

[Ben Round de Bloc]

I've only had one marriage proposal since moving to Mexico. It isn't always a landlord who is wrapped around the doorframe like the snake in the Garden of Eden every time a person comes home. In my case it was my landlady, who just happened to be in the neighborhood a lot and dropped by for a cup of coffee or to check on something in the house or to whatever. I turned down her proposal in a very polite sort of way. I've found that most Mexican women in an age range that I'd consider dating (40+) are more interested in financial security than anything else. I suspect the perceived size of a gringo's wallet is a major factor in many situations of Mexican women hitting on gringos of any age.

At the risk of generalizing, here are some observations I've made about Mexican women:

~ Married women are much more likely to honor their marriage vows than their husbands are. A husband who strays is normal, while a wife who strays gets a bad reputation.
~ From a Mexican woman's perspective, a man's physical appearance is not more important than his other qualities. It's not uncommon to see very attractive women with men who aren't particularly handsome.
~ Mexican women aren't into becoming intimate in casual relationships. They have to see a relationship as serious before they become intimate.
~ Mexican women aren't shy about physically demonstrating their devotion to (possession of?) their boyfriends in public. (My age and cultural background showing here, I'm often tempted to say, "Get a room!" to these couples when I see their passionate displays in public.)
~ Mexican women are like women of any other country in that they are impossible to figure out.