Job Discussion Forums

[Gordon]

[may be going]

to the guys having problems i'm curious about one thing. when did the problems arise? i mean how long after marriage? i'm assuming it was after marriage coz surely you wouldn't have married your respective spouses if you saw it coming.

and prior to the onset of change in your relationships, were there any signs that it might turn out this way? or if you look back, in hindsight, were there telltale signs that your love blinded you to?

it's the fear of all fears isn't it? the wonderful girlfriend/boyfriend becoming a nightmare spouse. maybe that's overstating it but you get my drift.

[Nagoyaguy]

Great and interesting conversation here. Thanks to all participating.

In my case, we have a child, an 8 year old boy. When he was younger, we lived in Canada (he was born in Toronto). My wife went to college and got a degree in business while he was young. We made the schedule work because she had mostly morning classes, and I worked afternoons (3 to 11). Some days, we hired a babysitter in our building too. It worked out.

Here in Japan, she worked for a haken gaisha for a couple years, but quit last spring. The headaches and job stress were getting crazy. Too much extra work with no extra salary (she was on an hourly contract), it was stupid. She now works from home as a translator/interpreter. It has not been easy for 6 months as she is still building a client base, and now it taking a simultaneous interpretation course. I work days at a JHS, 2 nights a week of private eikaiwa classes, and am taking a M.Ed part time too. Our son is in grade 3, so he has his things to do. But, mom is always home when he gets back from school. This is important IMHO.

My feeling is that my wife wants to work, but as in many cases confidence is a shaky issue. Plus, many women have very fragile egos here (my wife included) and they dont respond well to criticism or pressure. This makes working very stressful. Hell, even now my wife double and triple checks every little thing she writes in a translation, no matter how simple. The best approach is to provide lots and lots of emotional support, to the point of obvious flattery. Even though it would sound ridiculous to us (foreign men), to our wives it is comforting.

Best of luck all.

[moshimoshi]

I'm wondering what problems foreign women who marry Japanese men have encountered. Anyone?

[Sherri]

I am an American married to a Japanese man. I haven't come up with too many problems that I could pin down to being specifically cultural. Like some other people said, it is more down to individuals than nationalities and cultures. Also we talked a lot about our expectations for our future before we got married, so there weren't any surprises.

I think he was happy that while living in Japan, I didn't expect him to hand over his salary like most Japanese wives. We often laughed about the guys in his office who had outragiously low "allowances" from their wives. One guy he worked with had only 500 yen a day!

We both agreed that when we had kids, that I would quit and take care of them fulltime--which I did. But I really like working and I didn't like being at home all day. I really missed working and being out in the world. I also found it tough to conform to Japanese society in my new role as a housewife, dealing with neighbors, teachers, doctors. Frankly it was much easier working for a Japanese company--at least it was for me.

Now we are in the States and I am much happier and so is he. We both wanted to live in the States so that decision wasn't a problem. I certainly didn't want to get old in Japan and I didn't want my kids to be educated there (but that is just me, I have a great deal of respect for people who choose that route). We feel much freer here. I think the standard of living is higher and our quality of life is better, especially for our kids. I work pt and my husband works from home, so we share child-raising. It is a great solution for us.

Anyway, I would say to talk, talk, talk about expectations before you get married. My husband had already lived in the States, so he knew what the lifestyle would be like. Make sure you have the same ideas about child-raising, who works, who stays at home or something inbetween like we do.
Sherri

[zander7990]

has anyone come up with other cultural differences besides money. like how do japanese women think compared to western women and when it comes to values towards the relationship and children. how do they think when they are dating someone while they have a child already. does that come into play with the men they are with?

[zander7990]

i cant think of any other cultural differences that could really effect a relationship a couple from different cultures.

anyone?

[Filinadian]

I am in a very young relationship with my girlfriend. I was glad that she wasn't like my other girlfriend in Canada, who was also Japanese. My ex-girlfriend was a work-aholic, and it was perfectly fine for her that we see each other only twice a week. Most Japanese women that I have spoken to feel the same way, and feel that seeing each other only for a few hours a week is totally fine. I mean, call me selfish if you want, but I want to see my girlfriend as much as possible. Not on the everyday basis, but alteast for most of the week. I mean, me and my girlfriend now see each other about 4 or 5 days a week. That's plenty for me. I mean, I would've been fine with seeing each other for 3 or 4 days a week. Her mind is really westernized - so I have no problem with this. It is not like I don't trust my girlfriend, because I do. I even make her take care of my money sometimes, because I tend to overspend on things, but I am selfish in the way I want to be with her and spend time with her as much as possible. So as far as culture differences goes, the only difference I have experienced with my ex-girlfriend was her obsession with her career. We eventually broke up, because I was too selfish. She did not want to see me so often, and so I could not handle that and broke the relationship.

How do you guys feel about this? Was it a problem in your past relationships, or current relationships? I know that it is very common for a woman to work more than play. I am glad that I have a girlfriend who can understand my selfishness.

[King of Babylon]

Yes, I'd say the trend for young women these days is that career, friendships, personal life goals, etc... rank a lot higher than relationships. It often happens that by adulthood young women have more relationship experience than young men as well, and the men can't live without relationships whereas women seem to be able to quite happily. Its a hunch I have about the general trend these days, but I can't speak for everyone. I guess it all has to do with the freedoms and new ideologies prevalent in our day and age. After all, women are the desired, we are the desirers, so they get to make more choices than we do. To them the final say.
The new freedoms and lifestyles of the past 50 years give rise to all sorts of situations rarely found before in human history.

You might find close, traditional families in the East or the West who
want their daughters to devote their lives to a career, or to marrying and raising children. There are work(or study)aholics from either culture. I'd say personality, needs, social class and upbringing would dictate this issue more than cultural differences.

[markle]

personally I find "cultural differences' are a tool used by people to justify their own actions. people will adhere to or diverge from the 'cultural norm' as much as it suits them and/or they can get away with. Next time the wife/gf tries to pull the Japanese housewives don't need to work or such, tell her that from now on she must walk three steps behind you in public or some other demeaning aspect of the 'cultural norm', you should see a change in attitude to 'cultural differences.

[AgentMulderUK]