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How would you rewrite this short paragraph?
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Gordon



Joined: 28 Jan 2003
Posts: 5309
Location: Japan
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
sidjameson wrote:
My wife has just said the same Gordon.

Today has not been a good day.

Well at least I try to learn from my mistakes. Smile


She is a keeper then.

Hey, it isn't a bad day, you learned something useful, far better than learning nothing at all. I don't like teaching creative writing either, far too subjective for my liking.
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furiousmilksheikali



Joined: 31 Jul 2006
Posts: 1660
Location: In a coffee shop, splitting a 30,000 yen tab with Sekiguchi.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
mdk wrote:
William Faulkner has a notroirous sentence of heroic length in one of his stories (I think it is "The Bear"). People have written Masters theses about the grammatical, literary, and semantic aspects of this sentence. Is it proper English? Yes and no. Faulkner is a nobel laureate for literature.


Is there not a 1300-word sentence in Absalom Absalom?

Faulkner's sentences are notorious for their length, are they not.
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Chancellor



Joined: 31 Oct 2005
Posts: 1337
Location: Ji'an, China - if you're willing to send me cigars, I accept donations :)
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 3:07 pm    Post subject: Re: How would you rewrite this short paragraph? Reply with quote
sidjameson wrote:
Humid air, noise of cars, winds blowing between artificial skyscrapers, artificial ground without flowers. They all are annoying him, but a lady next to him is the only hope for him to live in the center of this crap city.



My student wrote this as the first paragraph of his short story. I rewrote it, keeping as close to the original as possible. But all the students felt my version didn't capture the style of the students writing which they claimed was typical Japanese style.

So if anybody would like to have a go at writing the above be my guest. I am curious to see if anybody can do a better job than I. I will let my students appraise it in class.
Humid air, the noise of cars, wind traveling artificial paths created by skyscrapers, the unnatural ground devoid of flora all annoy him. The woman next to him is his only hope as he tries to live life in the midst of this unpleasant city.
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MELEE



Joined: 22 Jan 2003
Posts: 2583
Location: The Mexican Hinterland
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
J. wrote:
"Hope to live" might be replaced with " hope of surviving".


I agree. It's the only thing I'd question the student about. Because to me, only hope to live in the city--sound like he wants to live there and this is his one chance to do so, (OB1, you're are only hope) and that doesn't seem to fit with "crap city". And knowing it was written my an English Lanauge Learner, makes me think hope of surviving is what he wanted to say.

I like his style, I think it is important in this type of writing to encourage students to try out several different styles, and as they get more advanced, let them stick to the style that they feel comes naturally from them. I personally like that way the word crap jolts you out of the other more elegant style used. It's edgy, and your correction is well, boring. Embarassed

I wish I taught students who wrote like that!
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Lynn



Joined: 28 Jan 2003
Posts: 696
Location: in between
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 9:09 pm    Post subject: Re: How would you rewrite this short paragraph? Reply with quote
sidjameson wrote:
Humid air, noise of cars, winds blowing between artificial skyscrapers, artificial ground without flowers. They all are annoying him, but a lady next to him is the only hope for him to live in the center of this crap city.



My student wrote this as the first paragraph of his short story. I rewrote it, keeping as close to the original as possible. But all the students felt my version didn't capture the style of the students writing which they claimed was typical Japanese style.

So if anybody would like to have a go at writing the above be my guest. I am curious to see if anybody can do a better job than I. I will let my students appraise it in class.


Actually, I really like "crap city". It gives it a punch. I can just imagine how he feels. I also like annoy. The only thing I'd change is winds to wind.
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