Job Discussion Forums

Dr.J · Joined: 09 May 2003 Posts: 304 Location: usually Japan

Giggling is an acceptable answer in all cases. Use it freely to rebuff any impolite question.

As for the subject of breast size, it is still a little rude in Japanese society to comment about it, but just not as rude as in the west. This may be because, in general, japanese women have smaller b reasts than western women, so it's not seen as such a sexual object. But that's just a theory.

Edited to replace b r e a s t s , which is apparently hugely more offensive than a single breast. I mean, you can always just type breast breast and that makes two...

april · Joined: 07 May 2003 Posts: 83 Location: Australia

markle · Joined: 17 Jan 2003 Posts: 1316 Location: Out of Japan

I'm just wondering if people know which questions Japanese find rude and inappropriate? And how you found that out?

guest of Japan · Joined: 28 Feb 2003 Posts: 1601 Location: Japan

It's pretty much anything you find rude. They just tend to forget social mores when speaking to foreigners.

Laura C · Joined: 14 Oct 2003 Posts: 211 Location: Saitama

Hi Karen -- About why they asked those questions -- looking back on it now, I do think they fully intended to be rude, or at least knew they were being rude (and if they intended to flirt, they're never going to have a foreign girlfriend...).

People can have different opinions about what is rude. eg, DrJ believes that breast size is not such a stigma in Japan, so maybe the men who made those comments to me weren't aware how rude they are being. But I'm not sure I buy this. Take the question of smoking pot, for example. The man who asked me that was (I think) having a bit of fun with the foreigner, asking me just to see my reaction. Even if he genuinely thought all foreigners smoke pot every day, it is still rude to ask outright like that, just as it is rude to assume that all foreigners will fit that stereotype. Not as rude as asking about sex or commenting on breast size, but still rude. In my last job I worked in hostels for homeless people, and over the three years I was there we had many vulnerable clients, some of whom we thought were taking drugs or abusing prescription medication. I was also concerned sometimes about some young women who we (staff) felt were being promiscuous -- none of my business if they just liked sex, but my business if they were using sex to cover up feelings of low self-esteem etc, often after a backgruond of sexual abuse. BUT -- did I blatantly ask 'Do you use drugs? Do you sleep with many men?' Of course not. If I had been so blunt, the client could have quite rightly made a formal complaint against me.

My point, I suppose, is that curiousity about people is OK, even natural some would say. But there is a way to ask questions, and if you can't think of a polite way to ask them then maybe that indicates the question is inappropriate. As I said earlier, would a Japanese man like it if I asked him how small his p*enis was?

I agree that giggling demurely is probably the best, i.e. most polite way to deal with these questions. But you know, I don't think that's what I will be doing. At the very least, I will glare and say loudly 'That is VERY rude'. If I feel the person has made a genuine faux pas and doesn't realise how rude his comment is, I will MAYBE tone it down. But as I say, how can you not know it is rude to ask someone things like these? It is a lack of respect for women and for foreigners in general -- again the pet gaijin thing. So why giggle, like it's just something slightly amusing instead of actually pretty offensive?

Vince -- you say I should test the theory on the next well-endowed women I see. Smile

In which country? If I did it here (I'm in France at the minute), I would get a well-deserved slap. So maybe I should try it in Japan? 'Wow, even for a Japanese woman ,your t*ts are like bee-stings.' Er...obviously not! I can't make another woman feel self-conscious and embarrassed about her body, the way I sometimes felt in Japan (and I konw you're not suggesting or impying that I should!).
Body language, glares etc, seem to be the way to go, coupled with a fiercely-toned comment. I have been told I have an especially evil glare when I want Twisted Evil

, so I am sure it will work just as well in Japan as in Ireland... Twisted Evil

Thanks again for your replies everyone -- this has been a really interesting thread for me...

L

ntropy · Joined: 11 Oct 2003 Posts: 671 Location: ghurba

Laura C · Joined: 14 Oct 2003 Posts: 211 Location: Saitama

And I have met mid-30s Irish/British men who do the same!

Strangely enough, these are usually the type of guys who tell me I am being too 'sensitive' when I object to having my arse slapped...

Nagoyaguy · Joined: 15 May 2003 Posts: 425 Location: Aichi, Japan

Most of these questions seem to be asked with an agenda. They are not really curiosity, more like reinforcing what ever preconceived notion the asker has about foreigners. SO, if your answer is not what they expected, they get all flustered and confused. After all, you are not reinforcing their stereotypes!

As to the appropriate reply, try these.

1/ just say, "Excuse me, could you repeat that". This gives the person a chance to back out, gives YOU a chance to think up a snappy comeback if they ask again.

2/ Ask them the same question, plus a little extra. If a Japanese guy asks you about your, ahem, 'size', answer him. I did this, then asked HIM another question, like "Is your wife really 'tight'? Does she like to....?" Up the ante and they get the message.

Bottom line, a lot of Japanese people think that their social rules don't apply to gaijin. So they just ask away.

Dr.J · Joined: 09 May 2003 Posts: 304 Location: usually Japan

markle · Joined: 17 Jan 2003 Posts: 1316 Location: Out of Japan

markle · Joined: 17 Jan 2003 Posts: 1316 Location: Out of Japan

Some people have said that Japanese have this stereotype of gaijin that is free and easy and outside of social rules. Gee I'd hate to give them that we are all humourless, uptight prudes that don't have the grace to deflect a misplaced question.
Posters are saying that Japanese see gaijin as outside of the social norms of their society, isn't that a good thing? I mean enough people complain that Japanese are too straightlaced and conservative but given the opportunity to interact with people in a less confined situation we start jumping on them for being inappropriate.
I would really hate for Japanese to start to think that they can't ask a gaijin a personal question without running the risk of an embarrassing scowl or rebuke.

guest of Japan · Joined: 28 Feb 2003 Posts: 1601 Location: Japan

Seriously, if you are ever asked a question that you find to be rude just ask a similar question back are compare yourself to the questioner. Do this with a spirit of humor and everything will be fine.

Examples of good answers to bad questions.

Q: How many girlfriends do you have?
A: Probably about the same as you.

Q: Foreigners have big chin chin ne?
A: So desu. Nihonjin mo?

Q: You have big oppai.
A: Hoshii? TOO BAD!!!

Q: You're very good at using chopsticks.
A: Thanks, I practice everyday.

Q: Nihongo jouzu!!
A: Sono koto nai. (It's nothing of the sort.)

Q: You like Japanese Women?
A: Don't you?

Q: How old are you?
A: Wasureta. (I forgot.)

I hope these are helpful.

Nagoyaguy · Joined: 15 May 2003 Posts: 425 Location: Aichi, Japan

Here is how I would answer those questions;

Q: How many girlfriends do you have?
A: Probably about the same as you.

Me: Not enough. Do you have any daughters? Sisters? Is your wife busy tonight?

Q: Foreigners have big chin chin ne?
A: So desu. Nihonjin mo?

ME: Mitai? 10,000 yen.

Q: You have big oppai.
A: Hoshii? TOO BAD!!!

Me: Mitai? 10,000 yen.

Q: You're very good at using chopsticks.
A: Thanks, I practice everyday.

Me: (I usually get this question when I am actually USING the bloody things). No, I can't use them at all (Results in confusion) Q: but you are using them now!! Me: Really? Oh my God!!! (Drops the hashi quickly and reaches for a fork)

Q: Nihongo jouzu!!
A: Sono koto nai. (It's nothing of the sort.)

Me; Omae mo, demo hatsuon wa chotto okashii. Omae sa, Kankokujin desu ka?

Q: You like Japanese Women?
A: Don't you?

Me: Yes, with a side of french fries and a good Chablis.

Q: How old are you?
A: Wasureta. (I forgot.)

Me: 17. We gaijin age slow! How about you, about..... (guess a ridiculously high age, like 75)

Canuck2112 · Joined: 13 Jun 2003 Posts: 239

I've been asked everything from pen1s size to past sexual partners. People have asked if I did a lot of drugs in Canada. Since I'm in another country, I don't consider any question rude. There is no worldwide definition of rudeness. I'm happy to answer anything asked of me here, although I've gotten some surprised looks when I tell people my "package" is 0.75 inches long and made of mohogany.

Laura C · Joined: 14 Oct 2003 Posts: 211 Location: Saitama

Nagoya guy -- Thanks for the 'I'm sorry, could you repeat that?' suggestion. I like that as it can be adjusted in tone according to what the person has said, and if they genuinely meant their comment as a joke and didn't know it would offend, this saves face for us both.

In fact, thanks for all the suggested answers guys! I think your advice is very sound -- stay true to yourself, but don't carry a chip on your shoulder, as DrJ puts it.

Markle -- interesting points. Of course I don't want Japanese people to think they can't talk to foreigners, and if someone inadvertantly said something inappropriate I hope I would have the grace and the social skill to deflect the comment in a mannerly way. But I don't think this should include being gracious when people are deliberately being rude. When I was asked personal questions, like how often I have sex, I just said something about that not really being comfortable discussing that with someone I've just met. I was not rude, though I was angry that men seemed to think they could ask me a question like that just because I was a foreigner.

But when someone literally leers at me, and says loudly 'Wow, you have big b*reasts', fully knowing that the comment must embarrass me, and that everyone can hear the comment, then I don't see why I should be polite. I don't think it's being humourless or uptight, either (incidentally, I find it amusing that a woman objecting to sexism is often told she is being humourless, uptight or a prude. A man objecting to sexism, or either sex objecting to racism or homophobia never seems to carry the same stigma). But it's hard to find something funny when it has happened hundreds of times to you in your life, or when people think that the size of a certain part of your body gives them free range to comment on it with no thought that you might actually find it upsetting and hurtful.

Bring personal questions on, I say (at least you should hear me after a couple of beers) -- but don't ask them of strangers in an inappropriate way, or assume that just because the person is a gaijin that it is OK to say really personal things to them.

Gaijin have feelings too!! Laughing

L