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[Never Ceased To Be Amazed]

... ...

NCTBA

[Cool Teacher]

[OneJoelFifty]

I met a guy under a bridge in Tokyo one evening. We were just talking, but the next thing I knew we were MOD EDIT First time we'd ever met!

Another time I met a guy in the club, and he and I MOD EDIT at the bar.

Haha.

When I first got to Tokyo I stayed for two nights in a hostel in Asakusa. Walking back and looking for a bar late one night, my friend and I were tentatively pushing open doors that we thought looked promising - which was actually quite a nerve-wracking thing to be doing when you're hyperconscious of being a rude foreigner, and not sure whether you're about to be confronted with someone's front hallway. One door we pushed open there were a few guys at a bar, singing very loudly. We closed the door and began to walk away when two of them came out. They were wearing tight t-shirts and one of them was extremely well-built. We looked at them blankly as the large one asked us questions in Japanese, before pausing and saying in English "gay?" I smiled and said no, and the four of us laughed, before the two guys went back inside. Happy times. I was later told that Asakusa is a small gay area, but I really wouldn't have noticed. Point being, my experience lead me to believe it's tolerated but not advertised. I didn't see any of the defiant homosexuality that's prevalent in the West, I suspect largely because the attitudes opposing it aren't as hateful.

[Never Ceased To Be Amazed]

[budgie]

[OneJoelFifty]

[womblingfree]

[Cool Teacher]

[hivans]

The OP said hearing "anything really" would be useful, so I thought I would throw in a few comments from my own perspective of a gay man living in Southern Kyushu (allegedly a socially conservative area) for a few years now. Of course, please bear in mind that these comments reflect my own observations and experiences, but if I wrote "it seems to me" "based on what I have been told" with every sentence it would be an over long post indeed.

I guessed that the OP was a gay man (apologies if not), so hopefully my comments might address some relevant points. But I can't really make many relevant comments on the situation for lesbians here. I wonder if they may face more prejudice than gay men.

Firstly, I don't think Japan is a particularly difficult country to be gay in (even the inaka). I just don't believe you would loose a job or a friend let alone suffer physical assault for being gay or anything like that, although people tend not to "come out" or make so much of their sexuality publically.

Just about every straight person I know under the age of 50 (and probably those over 50) seem pretty unfazed by a man being gay - even in Kyushu!

Things may have progressed a bit from a situation mentioned by a previous poster, of being pressured into marriages by family while gayness is tolerated as a private foible. Just about the only people I know in such camouflage marriages are in their 60s, and most people told me that they have just gradually reached a point where their families stop asking about girlfriends and marriage plans.

All of which begs the question why more people don't come out. Based on a random sample of 4 or 5 guys I discussed this with in a gay bar last night, the consensus was that it was something to do with group behaviour versus indidividualism. I think they meant a) generally gay people are happy to have separate gay social life life groups (as opposed to work groups, school friend groups etc.), b) because there isn't a tradition of coming out, people just assume it is a rule and don't buck the trend by coming out, and c) "coming out" would involve making yourself the centre of attention, it would seem a bit gauche and egotistical.

A while ago, I was talking to the landlord of my local gay bar talking about how I was thinking of coming out to a friend at work. The landlord strongly advised me not to do that suddenly. "If you are a good friend over a long period of time, he will probably ask you" I was told "if you suddenly make a dramatic announcement, your friend will feel a bit awkward". The way the landlord described it, it wasn't so much about being gay. I suppose the western equivalent of what he described is more like how you would feel if someone sat you down and said "Right listen, I want to have a serious conversation about me and my feelings".

So, my advise would be not to "come out" at work - at least not at first. I don't think this is some craven crawling back to the closet to pander to homophobia, but just thinking it is better to keep private and work lives apart. For me, gradually as I made good friends over time I could mention it as a casual thing. I reckon that has worked better for me, certainly for the year I spent in an eikaiwa, where I wouldn't have wanted to be the focus of the gossip that went on.

I am not sure of the OP's destination, but gay bars can be found in pretty much every prefectural capital and town of similar size (say 100,000 plus population). Outside of Tokyo, Osaka, Nagoya, Fukuoka, and Sapporo (where they have several bars in one building!), these bars are dotted about randomly without being in a gay area as such. I think they are good places to go if you are a hail fellow well met type. The gay bars here seem to be smaller than their western equivalents; usually a counter where you can drink and chat with the bar staff and the guy sitting next to you. Karaoke seems to be the main thing in about 99% of gay bars. It is worthwhile having a couple of songs you can do, especially if they are Japanese ones. If you don't sing, you might look stand-offish! I reckon that it might be a good idea to avoid coming on strong to someone in a bar. I have hardly ever seen people get up close and personal in a bar, there are other places for that. My advise would be if you like someone in a bar, personal advances are best made outside the bar (arrange a date, or go somewhere away from the crowd in the bar etc.).

Gay bar clientele seems to have dropped off a bit recently, especially at the younger end, as more and more people use the internet. There are message boards for those who want to hook for sort of casual to-the-point encounters, but there are also others. Where I live you can use the net to join a gay volleyball team, a gay hiking circle, of find "study buddies" to go to the library with. Most of these message boards will be in Japanese though.

There is also a big scene of casual encounter places called "hattenmbas" - sort of dark room/bath house type places (even in some quite small towns that don't have gay bars). Outdoor cruising spots tend to be frequented by older types (but not exclusively).

On the subject of cruising and encounters, I reckon there has been a fair amount of complacency in Japan regarding the need to practice safer sex. I think this could be an issue for both straight and gay people, but with the hatemba and hook-up-on-the-internet culture, there must be the ghastly possibility that an increase in infection rates will occur first in these areas. According to public health experts, Japan has a comparatively low HIV infection rate, but alone among developed countries, it is likely to rise here over the next few years.

In gay conversations, you are bound to be asked "What's your type" and people won't be fobbed off with a vague answer. It's probably better to make one up (or say "Almightily" or "Daresen" - meaning anyone is Ok, and laugh to show it is a joke) so that you can move the conversation on. Also, I am sure you are likely to be asked whether you take the active or passive role during close encounters (tachi and neko, respectively, in slang). There seems to be a general assumption that when there is an age difference the older guy will adopt the active role.

From the language point of view, as in any walk of life, the better you can speak Japanese, the better the options open to you will be. Actually, I am always finding people who speak English or want to practice their English even when it might be easier to speak Japanese in one-to-one conversations, but if you want to do something in a group, then everyone will be speaking Japanese - and even someone who is good at English may find it a bit of a drag if they have to act as an interpreter all the time.

As a foreigner, I have never come across anything other than great friendliness from gay Japanese people. I have heard that there are gay bars where foreigners are banned in Tokyo (perhaps because of the coming on too strong issue I mentioned above) but I have never seen anything like that.

I hope my comments are useful food for thought. I want to repeat the disclaimer about everything being my personal opinion again, so if anyone disagrees with any (or all!) of what I have said, please bear in mind I am not trying to represent facts about Japanese gay life, just my own opinions. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

[womblingfree]

Fantastic post hivans, insightful and informative.