Job Discussion Forums

[kurtz]

I like to return home every year or 18 months or I'm afraid I'll turn into a real life Kurtz, a bit or normality away from developing countries is required or I'll end up like some of the long-termers who seem to have lost touch.

It's nice to have familiar surroundings and take a breather from life abroad, if I was working and living in the UK or somewhere civilized it wouldn't be so bad, but here in the mayhem of Hanoi, it's nice to escape it for a while.

[MotherF]

I've been living abroad since 1995. I'm not really one to get homesick, and I've been in my current location for so long that's it's home now. I established a family here. However, aging parents have been weighing on me recently. My parents are in their 70s now and the last three years I've really noticed a decline in them. I only have one brother, and while he lives in the US, he lives almost as far away from them as I do. They are finacially okay, but I worry that there is no one there to make sure they are still okay living on their own. Also, but brother was laid off so he won't be visiting them this Christmas, and neither will I. I'm sad for them, because I know it will be sad for them to have Christmas just the two of them. I would not consider moving back to the US and I know they don't want to move to a foreign country where they don't speak the language, so yes it is a difficult situation.

As for my cousins, Facebook has brought us closer together than we've ever been in our lives.

[SahanRiddhi]

There is a sacrifice to living abroad, there's no other way to look at it, even though some people are in denial about that.

A lot of people who think they've found a "home" in a foreign country are in for a surprise when they hit the last phase of life and need medical care. Not every country will pour a ton of money into cancer treatments and the like for a non-citizen. Therefore people may seek to go home to their own country's Medicare program, decades after ties with family and friends there have dissolved. And they may or may not be eligible, depending on which country it is.

[MotherF]

Sahan, I know your post wasn't directed at me personally, but since it comes right after mine and alludes to something I said I feel the need to say two things.

1) Don't assume that all of us who have settled somewhere remain non-citizens of the country we've settled in.

2) Don't assume we haven't thought about medical care. I have three small children so my adopted country's medical care is something I've thought alot about.

[spiral78]

Ditto MotherF. Planning for retirement and dealing with other long-term issues can most definitely be done without necessarily planning to return to one's original country.

I suppose lots of even longer-term EFL teachers don't consider multiple citizenships but I know quite a few who have done, including myself and others on this board.

Many of my American work colleagues in Europe have a second citizenship, spouses and children abroad, are well-established, and have no plans to return to the US.

A lot of one's perceptions about the field depend on what end of the spectrum one's work colleagues fall into. If 'you' are surrounded by short-termers with basic qualifications, the picture looks a lot bleaker, as at this level it's difficult to deal with long term issues like health care/retirement/schooling children/buying a home/etc.

[Phil_K]

My two cents worth:

This is something that has concerned my in recent years, as my parents are both over 80, and my mother is now in a fairly advanced stage of Alzheimer's. There is a pang of guilt that my sisters are both doing a lot to care for her, and I can do nothing; I can talk by phone, but that's not really much of an option any more, given my mother's condition. Also my parents are not interested in technolgy, so Skype and email is out too.

To go back to the original question, I guess I am homesick, even after 10 years in Mexico, with a local wife and paid-for home. Something inside me wants to experience the order and comfort of the UK, rather than the chaos and confusion of Mexico. That manifests itself sometimes, as anger and depression, tempered by the acceptance and love I have found in my adopted country.

I very much doubt I will stay here for the rest of my life, but whether I can address the problem mentioned in the first paragraph in time, who knows?

Thank you for listening to my rant/confession; I feel better for that!

[Teacher in Rome]

I'm a long-term expat - in the sense that I've lived most of my adult life abroad, though in different countries. I can sympathise with all the points raised so far.

It's not always easy to be so far away (for whatever reasons - whether that's because you miss your family, friends, "ordered" way of life, culture, what you grew up with etc). I still feel a tie with the UK and resent the fact that I've lost my voting rights, for example; but the feeling's never that strong. After a few days back in the UK I get restless and feel claustrophobic... Whenever I touch back down on Italian soil and see those blue skies, hear Italian spoken - that's where I feel I'm back home again.

But I'd like to echo Glenski's point. Having a network of contacts will always be your lifeline. I think it's important to not burn bridges, or to give up completely on your home country. After all, for most of us, that's what grounds us. We might not want to live there, but it runs through us like a vein.

A year or so away isn't going to radically change things, but if you're away for longer you might want to think about ways you can maintain some sort of contact - whether physical visits or other means.

[SahanRiddhi]

Pretty much everyone ends up back in their home country eventually. I like this old post by dmocha, from April of this year. It says it all.

[artemisia]

It seems to me that people are more likely to experience depression and perhaps remain in some of the culture shock stages when the place they are in is more significantly different from the place they grew up in. I experienced far less difficulty in places that were much more like �home�. However, I didn�t just miss physical places, I also missed understanding a system really well and knowing how things work. It can be a shock to be somewhere that you stand out in the crowd in a way you don�t want to and not always be treated well because of this or language issues.

Mainly I suspect it just takes a really long time before �foreign� becomes �familiar�, in the same way it takes a really long time to speak another language really well. Money doesn�t solve all ills. Being away from aging parents can be a really difficult issue for some. I�ve been relieved I could spend quite a lot of time with my parents, and do things for them over the last few years, but it�s not always possible to do this.

These kinds of forums have their uses in being able to share some of the similar experiences we have from working and living abroad. However, it�s a mistake, I believe, to think you can really know another person�s situation � work or otherwise - and relentlessly apply your own (or another's) situation as the only reality.

[MotherF]

[HLJHLJ]

[kazpat]

It is very interesting hearing from the long term expat teachers. I have been in KZ two years, my wife is Kazakh. At this point I have no intention of returning to the states anytime soon. I was home in September for a month and was homesick for Kazakhstan; I was a bit uncomfortable in the states.

I suspect that part of my comfort is that I have integrated quite a bit into the society here. I have a bank account, drivers license, mortgage, learned the language (Kazakh and some Russian) and to some extent have noticed the adoption of local mentality and habits. I also have a second family. If I had changed countries after a year I doubt my adjustment would be so smooth and I may miss the familiarity of home more.

Hopefully, I can report back in ten years.

[naturegirl321]

Just to piggyback on this caring for elderly parents thing. My dad moved us from California to the Chicagoland area. Now my dad's dad is 92 and finally in a VA home. Survived 6 heart attacks in 3 months. The doctor kept saying the enxt one would kill him and to call the hospice and not the ambulance. He's still around. Must be those Russian genes!

Anyways, my father hasn't gone out to see him since this Jan when I was there. And he's not planning on going out until he dies. So his brother has to deal with all the paperwork of finding a home for him, taking care of him etc.

What I'm saying is that they live int eh SAME country and my uncle is stuck caring for my grandpa. So don't think that only peopel who live abroad are in this situation.

Same goes for my mom's mom also in california. Although my mom would go out and see her, she's on better terms with her mom than my dad is with his dad, she missed her father's funeral because they changed the dates to accomodate a cousin. She wasn't there when her dad died either. Again, in the same country.

On another note, I think it depends which country you pick. If you go to Spain or Germany, the culture and customs might be easier than going to Cambodia or even China for that matter. If you can get citizenship, own a home, marry a local, that would also help. But if you're in a country where you can't even read or write, that's got to be harder.

[Glenski]

I have not felt the need to be around my family very much ever since I went into college a long time ago. I often feel closer to my best friends than to my family. However, that lifeline I wrote about is important for both.

Technology issues? People still use the post office nowadays.

Prefer seeing people face to face? Think ahead about the economy where you will live overseas, and budget for the trips home. They may not happen often enough, but as long as they happen, it's part of the way to relieve homesickness and loneliness. There are other ways.

My parents are deathly afraid of flying, so they never came to Japan for my wedding or son's birth. I have kept them informed through videos. You can use web sites like Photobucket or Facebook to post things for them to see, or you can actually make a disk with a collection (Glensk's greatest hits of 2010) that makes a nice birthday/Xmas/Mother's Day present.

Health care? I don't think anyone who figures they will stay long-term has not considered what they will do for health care. In deference to what SahanRiddhi wrote, we don't all get cancer, and how many people in your own home countries have truly coped with such problems with the current medical care they have there now anyway? My own parents are on lots of medication, such that it is pretty much half the discussion of emails and Skype calls. They are not happy or satisfied with the American health care system, and although Japanese health care is not perfect, they envy some of its attributes sometimes.

SahanRiddhi also wrote:

[cmp45]

Homesickness is a by product of wishful thinking for what you do not have at the moment. If you live in the present moment you would not feel unhappy or feel homesick. If you are truly homesick, then go home...it's all about choosing; you are what you think!