Job Discussion Forums

[Chasgul]

An English teacher, one day,
Was heard to say: 'By the way,
What I have to say is long,
Tedious, dull, maybe wrong,
But nevertheless I'll say
It as best I can . I'd pray
For help from above, but nay-
Sayers would just love to see
My long-winded repartee
Thus rescinded for being
Non-secular. So I'm going
For a jugular strike: I'll
Continue, all the while
Ensuring that I've a smile.'

[guangho]

It was back in the day,
Not long after Gramps quit bailing hay
That we gathered on his porch
The setting Carolina sun bright as a torch.

The old man slowly closed his eyes
Perhaps getting ready to tuck in for the night.
Then, suddenly, he snorted very loud
(it was a special sound of which he was quite proud)

'Hey', he growled deeply just as we were ready to steal away
'Sit back down Elroy and lemme tell you a tale.'
I grimanced for sure
But he was an old man and sentiment hath no cure.

His eyes grew brighter as his mind raced,
Perhaps plotting the timing and pace.
And he began "Once upon a midnight dreary,
I 'taught' English with Dennis Leary."
True, we were young, but already quite weary
And fairly uneducated despite our pretensions to the contrary.

Mind you, this was back in the day,
Before the extinction of the walrus and the whale.
Me and Dennis came by our new careers desperately,
With hundreds of creditors and car salesmen hot on our trail.

A friend of Mom's dealer got us some Percodan below retail
And also got an earful of our sorrowful tale.
He told us to log on to the internet today
And search for jobs post-haste: I mean without delay.

We soon found listings for demeaning McJobs by the score,
All touting the virtues of being and underpaid corporate *beep*.
Accounts, admin, clerks, supplies, shipping and more
All promising demeaning wages that will not pay for our hole.

We begged, pleaded and asked for just a tiny bit more
But the robber barons just scoffed and said "nevermore!"
We had but one saving grace, a virtue if you will,
American passports and degrees from the finest diploma mill.

China? Korea? Taiwan? Where were they?
Somewhere over the horizon is all I can say.
We never really pondered the day
When we would get on a plane heading that way.

Teach English, today, strangers would excitedly say
It's easy, fun and lucrative too!
And way better than living in the loo.
"Teach English in Asia?" Dennis would muse
"Surely this must be nothing more than a joke, a ruse!"
Though in some ways he was right, the offers were too good to refuse.

Big money, big money they all scream as the wheel of fortune turns
It's a universal urge that binds us all, a candle that burns
Deep in our decayed souls we lust, we yearn
And when the loot is offered, hardly any of us would turn.

"Surely there must be a catch," we are all told
By a wise and somewhat catchy tune of old.
But in our primal conditioning to take, take, take
How many of us would refuse for deliberations' sake?

Faced with the task of fashioning new resumes
We decided to use pictures (ours silly not DeLay's)
For while words surely have more meaning
Our potential employers' English comprehension was fleeting

Close your eyes and think of what being American means
To someone who has only seen us in his dreams
Ken and Barbie for sure, they are a go
But Shaq won't be coming to Korea to run the show

Dennis pulled out old black and whites
Showing what some may say was the devil in disguise
He cackled and scanned it into his files with a glint in his eyes
Cocksure that it was all he would need to garner replies

I looked upon him with suspicion, not believing
That a picture would have sufficient meaning
But almost within moments the cell phone rang, rang and rang
Sure enough it was a buixiban owner from rural Taiwan

His high-pitched voice I couldn't help but hear
I tell you, this was one interview that was strange to my ear
"Can you make children laugh? Maybe play the guitar?
Wear a funny hat? Debase yourself before young'ins with fair hair
Make em run, make em laugh, make em forget their parents lack of care."

"You betcha Mr. Chan, I not only can but I will!
I'll be your most devoted and disrespected shill!
Whatever you say, it is a go
Ask anyone, I never ever say no."
"Splendid, can you come tomorrow?"
"Say you can monkey boy or I'll feel vast sorrow."

Dennis turned pale as Casper the ghost
Indentured servitude loomed in his mind foremost
Wondering what all this would mean
And if Mr. Chan could really be such a genial old bean

Take a deep breath and swallow
Don't just think about promised riches, that would be shallow
Besides which, we have both heard plenty of promises that proved hollow
No need to worry, no need to fuss, for another shark will come tomorrow

Dennis gently hung up the phone
Hoping his fear would soon be gone
And so it was that after a vodka or three
We gamely sauntered outside to the shade of a giant oak tree

"Say, we better be careful," he opined
"Or these guys will bite us in the arse like a giant porcupine."
The phone rang, rang and rang, and so the rest of our week went

Did we wonder what we were getting into?
Did we ask a bazillion questions at the so-called interview?
Of course we did son,
Who do you think we are- felons on the run?

But there comes a time to choose,
a time to remember that we have nothing to lose
We took another swig of bracing liquid
And put on our politest faces.

Whoever heard of a profession
Where you would be hired after a single phone interview session?
Seems like something out of Baum's Wonderland (Not Carrol's Oz!)
But in Korea, Taiwan and China so it goes

The last interview was just as brief
As the fifty-four before it where we suspended disbelief
And, convinced that this was the best we would get
We went along, filling up oversized packs

Leaving on a jet plane
Saying our goodbyes
Bidding farewell and adieu
To a land comitting economic suicide

Touchdown in Seoul
And what a sight to see!
Perplexed fellows smiling at me

It was nightfall when we landed,
Certain that a long day had finally ended
When who should appear
But our recruiter, sipping a beer

"Welcome welcome welcome to you both!"
She crowed, seeming ever so chipper
"Me and my bank account are so glad to see you here!"

"Now trust me, this will be a fantastic experience,"
(We suspected she was taking dramatic license)
"You will both have such a wonderful time,"
"I just hope neither of you will committ a crime."

Endless narrow streets lay before us,
As our escort drove at a speed of eighty plus
And just when I was sure my bowels would quit in disgust
Our recruiter turned and indicated that we should decamp from the bucket of rust.

We were led up the stairs to what would be our new home
It's size seemingly suitable for a wandering gnome
Inside it seemed quite clean if not spacious
And look, there were two beds- goodness gracious!

"Nighty night, don't let the bedbugs bite,
Remember, their teeth are a mile wide!"
And with that we were ready for slumber
Wondering how to cope with students twelve and under.

There was a knock on our door
Who could it be, who would interrupt our snore?
Why it was the nervous young fella
Coming to take us to the owner's villa.

He said his name was Tommy
But for all we knew that could have been Bologny
In any case he shook our hands and said
"Welcome to Korea, and remember we're better than Japan!"

Time for class, time to start
Say, do we get to observe first? (if only to strengthen the heart)
"No, no, no, you speaking nonsense boys!
Get to teaching quick- I hope you bought some toys."

Now boys, they said I'm a teach-ee
I said I'm not
'Cause staying sober and playing hangman is about all I got.

Came over on a jet plane
Many moons ago
Braving the freezing rain
To give life as waygookin a go.

Can't say I had delusions of grandeur
Can't say I wore rose tinted glasses (they were more like lavender)
But I was sure big bucks were a-waitin'
For a career 14 hours in the making.

"Teachee!" "Teachee!" "Play game!"
Tell me what I'm supposed to be teaching again?
Let's give Gogo a try
Although part of me really wants the red dinosaur to fry.

Can't be bothered with grammar, nor prose
When all we had for classroom control was a big green hose.

"To you I may seem like a slacker,
A bad seed
But Tommy said this was exactly what the parents said they need.
They don't want to be mommies or daddies
They just procreate like rabbits with rabies."

We looked on at the old man as he spoke,
Understanding why his morals were toast
This was not something of which to boast,
But beats getting a welfare check in the post.

"Go on," Elroy encouraged with morbid fascination
"Treat us to a deeper examination of your degeneration.
Truly, we insist, we need to know
For all our lives we wondered how low we can go."

"Ha!" Gramps exclaimed
"You sound like a smart ass with that refrain!"
He took a sip and swallowed
And took the time allowed
To compose his thoughts,
Resuming, as he started, that is without notes.

"I'm gonna tell you a little secret,
Bubblegum was made
To control classes throughout the day.
My fellow teachers, their drawers were full
Of yummies that wither young'ins teeth to null.

Peter, he was the longest working one there
Five years and seemingly loaded for bear.
His drawer was stacked
In case kids threatened to attack

It all seemed quite obscene
To base your classes on something sweet and green
But Peter, he was a veteran of the K-scene
And insisted that I give them all a reason to keep their hands clean.

As for classes, let me tell you
Somedays it seemed like Waterloo
The boys, they were on a rampage
As girls sat ramrod straight, acting much older than their age.

"Make class fun!" was the mission
But how to amuse while teaching the use of a preposition?
We taught classes from noon to evening
And if we were lucky, the boys would be sleeping

Those boys, they were much like cavemen
Playing wargames and starcraft for hours on end
And giving me a finger or maybe two
When not insisting that they want to play with poo

Now, my school days have long passed, that is true
And maybe I was a violent spoiled brat too
But hear me out when I tell you
These kids were either evil or cukoo

"Fat pig!" "Ugly dog!" "F*cking Migook!"
Whoever heard such talk?
Believe me, we were ready to walk.

That blasted work ethic
It made us look downright pathetic
While K teachers around us were busy sleeping
We looked for method books we should be reading

Now, this is not to say thet we had no social lives
Or that we had left behind our carnal drives
Rather, all I mean to say
Is that Korea can be a hard place to play

Men are a jelaous breed
And many are filled with need
So imagine their screeds
Which filled tabloid pages with zeal

We were featured on the telly
All about how to grow a beer belly
Because it is well-known
That all male foreign teachers do is drinking, booze and porn

Now, to be perfectly honest, I must agree
That many foreign men were extraordinary
Dedicated to honing their drinking ability

Chasing skirts all night long
Before weeping into your beer about how it all went wrong
And stumbling home at half past three
Slipping on a copy of "Naked Came the Manatee"

Laying your weary self to rest
Trying to think of your best or worst class
Knowing they are about to have a test
About the many different ways of saying "I had a blast!"

You young punks never think that you'll be just like 'em,
Chasing hookers and drinking shots for hours on end
But all in all you're just delaying what's meant for you
Unless you get out the hakwon game with a qualification or two

When we first came on board
We saw men who had been there a dozen years or even more
What a sad sight to behold
All their money was gone and their stories were way past even old

Meanwhile we awaited payday
While hording old bread seemingly made of clay
But all we got were promises galore
And phony apologies afterward

This would go on for months on end
'till that inevitable moment when our boss shouted "You're bad men!"
"Let's give credit where credit's due," (we interrupted)
"He seemed to know you."

"So what did you do all day?"
"Other than conning strangers into rolling around in the hay?"
"Tell us what it's like!"
"Did you get into lots of bar fights?"

Grandpa made a face
As he often did when discussing the place

"After you've seen your share of temples,
And visited each field dedicated to Buddha's deciples
You must make your way to the countryside
And listen to kimchi ferment in pots while chillies dry outside.

What more is there to do?
Besides mastering the art of using a Chinese-style loo?
Well I suppose you can always learn taekwondo
That's what I did you know.

I got me a yellow belt through much practice
While our northern neighbors joined an evil axis.
And yeah, I visited up there
But didn't have permission to enter Jong-Il's lair.
Which, I suppose is just as well
'Cuz from what I've heard the place ain't so swell.

That same day, as luck would have it,
Dennis was called in and asked to quit.
"It's business, nothing personal,
Just that our enrollment is dropping
And your paychecks we'll be stopping."

It seemed obvious who would be next on the chopping block
There seemed to be no way out for either of us
But perhaps it was for the best
As we were ready to take a rest

So there we were on the brink of eviction
A situation that was causing much friction
As we looked about for leverage
Realizing that we were pretty average

Still they say winners never quit
And I'm quite fond of that quip
So we gamely continued the search
Looking for a new place to besmirch

Public schools, that's the ticket!
We would be real teachers right in the thick of it!
With actual books and materials we could use
It seemed there was no way we could lose


(The suspense is killing you eh?)

[Perpetual Traveller]

Wow!!!! I never thought my humble thread would be graced by an epic!!!! AWESOME! And you're right, the suspense is killing me, bring on the next!

PT

[guangho]

See edited version- i'm trying to give it an illusion of coherence so i'll just edit it as i go along.

[Perpetual Traveller]

And for those who are too lazy to read all the way through the epic, here's a little something I came up with after looking out of my window Saturday morning, it's not that I don't like snow...it's just that it's so...snowy!

Well I looked out the window this morning,
Just as the day was dawning,
To find snow falling down,
So I said with a frown,
This should not be allowed without warning!

PT

[guangho]

[Atassi]

I'd be thrilled to have some Korean cooking right now, and I'm also craving good kimchi

[guangho]

[Justin Trullinger]

I hate to be a pedant, but

[guangho]

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Lewis Carrol. Great, great book. A Swedish guy wrote an existential/philosophical version of it. Sophie or some such thing. Haven't gotten my hands on it yet. (And of course you read it- who could resist? )

[Atassi]

1) I grew up on yogurt, and I read some where that kimchi is full of the same bacteria (one type maybe, not sure)

2) I love spicy food, especially garlic

3) I love pickled vegetables, whether they be eggplants, turnips, cucumbers, or cabbage (I also love calamata and alfonso olives)

This is how I make sense of my love for kimchi. I might add, I only like "shin kimchi" (the fresh one isn't that tasty).

Guangho, you really think it's strange?

[guangho]

[Justin Trullinger]

[guangho]

[Atassi]