Job Discussion Forums

[Opiate]

[Baozi man]

Opiate, In the context of this discussion, the point being made was that Chinese marriage makes no pretense to fidelity in marriage. Most American women would not agree, going into a marriage, that their husband can plan on taking a mistress after a few years of marriage.

Admittedly, the marriage relationship has been more or less destroyed in the America. Perhaps I'm out of date; however, unlike Chinese coeds, I doubt that American college students would agree that the husband is free to have a mistress after a few years of marriage.

[Baozi man]

Deleted

[Opiate]

[AliceB]

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that most foreign men in China are sweaty-palmed perverts: but we've all met a few guys of the type I'm referring to. He doesn't like the food, he's not interested in the culture, he doesn't speak a word of the language - and yet he has an ever-changing roster of pretty teenage girlfriends who'll rub his paunch and listen to him complain about their homeland. They're certainly in the minority, but they're out there - just read some of the vile things written about Chinese women on this forum.

But the presence of a few unpleasant men is hardly a strong deterrent. It's true that the dating options are a bit limited for foreign women, but there's nothing inherently awful about being single - Ms Mao is presumably not seeking a husband in the immediate future. In terms of social life generally, I would strongly recommend looking for a first job in a school with a fair number of other foreigners. When you first arrive you'll be disoriented and homesick, and it will probably be a relief to be with people who have been through it all before. Now I've been here a few months I have made some friends outside work, but at the beginning I clung to my foreign colleagues in a way that is slightly embarassing to recall. Socialising in China tends to mean eating rather than drinking, so your first night out with Chinese friends will feel quite strange if you're used to knocking back shots until 3am.

Knowing any Chinese at all is a huge advantage. My Chinese is appalling - I have mastered only three of the four tones - but even the tiny amount I know makes my life a lot easier. If nothing else, people appreciate that you make the effort. (I got a round of applause when I introduced myself in Chinese at a staff meeting.)

[Miles Smiles]

[nomad-ish]

[Baozi man]

Miles, It is entirely possible that practices vary from place to place. Where I live, college girls have already been told by their mother's that after they marry, their husband will take a mistress. They expect it.

If they don't have a mistress, they will have a favorite prostitute. I have discussed these things with scores of people at various English corners and more quietly with closer friends. There is, in these parts, near universal, agreement that adultery is the expectation.

A mistress of one man brought his daughter to an English corner. Although not the girl's mother, she mentioned more than once, that her young companion [~13 years old], didn't understand the nature of her "relationship" with the girl's father. I got the impression, to the contrary, that the young girl did, indeed, understand why her father was paying for the education of a woman who was not her mother.

I do agree that the women, rather than destroy their families, tolerate it.

One of my EC friends said "Chinese expect chastity before marriage, Americans expect it after marriage. That's a cultural difference."

What I find annoying is that in the face of widespread whoremongering among the Chinese, FTs are looked upon with the expectation that we have all taken vows of celibacy. By extension, any woman we are seen with is, by implication, a *beep*. It was apparently believed by various individuals at a former school that every woman who came to my flat for any reason was having sex with me.

These included various individuals who did not have sex with me, such as a university professor, a foreign affairs officer, and an investigator for the provincial government, among others.

These priggish hypocrites would not dare to accuse one of these women to their face of "improper" behaviour. They do, however, enjoy any discussion which puts foreigners in a bad light because they are racist *beep*. Most of these discussions are also conducted in a backstabbing manner.

They can't bear to listen to any response from a foreigner which accurately places their country on a moral plane with Sodom and Gomorrha.

[wangdaning]

I had a longer post, but the internet connection cut out in the middle. Main ideas.

-Chinese guys aren't like that
-infidelity is not expected
-foreign guys do not all have an issue with foreign women
-sometime guys of all races are scared of the company

In the end the OP has nothing to worry about. If you have the putonghua, then you are alright.

[MisterButtkins]

Baozi man, I feel like your post is rather exaggerated. I mean you make it sound as if every single man has a wife and a mistress, despite the fact that there aren't enough women in this country for every man to even have a wife. I don't believe it's that normal for a typical Chinese man to have a mistress. Maybe if he's a very rich man, but I really don't think Farmer Wang or Taxi Driver Liu have mistresses, and the fact is Farmer Wang and Taxi Driver Liu outnumber Rich Business Man Zhang 100 to 1, at least.

[PandaPandemonium]

[7969]

[Opiate]

[steve b]

I am in a small city teaching at a uni with only two English teachers, my oppo lives off-campus. I believe there are in total 17 foreigners in the city from Korea or Poland plus one German who owns a restaurant with his wife and the odd visiting Americans who come to the company which employs the Poles.

As such, normally my only contact with someone face to face who can speak on my level is by necessity the other teacher - thankfully we have become friends. Were I the only one it would affect me but not drastically, I can however see that for many people life would be extremely difficult.

[PandaPandemonium]