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[Pitarou]

TOEIC tests are set in the proud nation of TOEIC Land. Here are a few cultural notes which may, or may not, be helpful to TOEIC test takers:

Travel

Like a bride on her wedding day, it is bad luck for an airplane to depart on schedule. If the weather is any less than perfect, the pilot will call it "inclement" and refuse to take off. If the weather is fine, he will demand extra safety checks, or just order the baggage handlers to drive around the runway a few times.

Families

While parenthood is honored, the details of child-rearing are considered a shameful matter, and children are generally not seen in public until they reach majority.

Much of the work of child-rearing is done by the grandparents, who retire from public life, so you will rarely meet elderly people in your day-to-day life.

Corporate culture

It is considered unprofessional to make plans to eat out while at work. If you ask your TOEIC Land colleagues out for lunch, they will make excuses about having other arrangements. The only exception to this is the catered outdoor meeting the company holds every month (to "celebrate good performance"). If the food is cooked on-site, it is called a "barbecue". If it is cooked off-site, it is called a "picnic".

For the benefit of Koreans, the coffee machine is placed next to the copy machine.

Mechanical work is reserved for an untouchable caste, known as the "service technicians" although, unlike other caste systems, it is the knowledge that is considered unclean rather than the activity itself. A service technician is not allowed to enter most premises, so he has to do much of his work by telephone.

Under no circumstances must you ever demonstrate this unclean knowledge. If you do you may well find yourself sent off-site to join the Service Technician caste. This is euphemistically known as "sick leave" or "a business trip", as in:

- John could have unjammed the photocopier, but he's on sick leave now.

Even if it's as something a simple as refilling a photocopier, it's better to phone a service technician and have them tell you what to do.

The association of telephones with the untouchable caste means that many telephone-based activities are considered low-status. For instance, a dentist would never leave a message for his clients; he would have his receptionist do it.

Customer relations

Businesses must show the greatest respect for their customer's privacy, and may not ask about their customer's private affairs. When arranging an appointment, a business person will not ask the customer about their schedule; rather, they will show or describe the schedule to the customer, and ask the customer to pick a free slot.

Eating out

Restaurants operate on a two month Italian--Chinese renewal cycle. They serve Italian food for a month, close down, reopen as a Chinese restaurant, and then revert to Italian. No restaurant will ever admit to being more than one month old.

Libraries

City councils are legally required to provide public libraries, but they are chronically underfunded. If you visit a library you will generally find that it has been closed for "refurbishment" (but you won't hear any building work going on), "relocated", or that it is open for just 10 minutes a day.

Recreational substances

Don't even think about it. The penalty for attempting to bring alcohol or tobacco into TOEIC Land is death by firing squad (and no last cigarette). You have been warned!

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Inspired by the book 不思議の国のグプタ by 前田ヒロ (Gupta in Wonderland by Hiro Maeda)

[Pitarou]

By the way, I think most of the gags are self-explanatory (I invented a culture that explains the scenarios that usually crop up in TOEIC exams, as well as the things that never happen), but here are a few notes:

Koreans struggle to distinguish the /p/ and /f/ sounds, so questions that rely on the ability to distinguish copy from coffee are common.

A common multiple choice question for voicemails is something like:

a) the dentist called
b) the dentist's receptionist called

The answer is invariably b.

Rather than saying, "please call me back, so we can arrange a time to meet", people in TOEIC exams just blurt out their entire schedule in a voicemail message.