Job Discussion Forums

[johnslat]

Is anyone else addicted to puns?

1. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

2. A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “dry?”, he replies “nein, just one”

3. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.

4, The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”

5. C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors”

6. The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

7. The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club.

8. Q: How was Louis the XIV feeling after completing the Palace of Versailles?
A: Baroque

9. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

10. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

11. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

12. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!"

13. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused.. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town.. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

14. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ....what?
A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Regards,
John

[MuscatGary]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus. The barman asks if he means a Martini. The man says "if I wanted a double I would have said so."

An American walks into a London hotel and asks the receptionist "Where is the elevator?' She replies "The lift is over there Sir." He replies" I want the elevator." She repeats "The lift is over there Sir." "Hell ma'am we invernted it and it's called an elevator" he says. "Yes Sir but we invented the language so please get in the lift!"

[grahamb]

I loved the time traveller one. Thanks, John.

[johnslat]

Here are a few more:

An existentialist walks into a restaurant. He orders steak from the waitress & she asks, "How would you like that cooked?" He replies, "It doesn't matter."

Dracula, bored with Transylvanian fare, flies to Italy. He finds a quaint little two story bistro, takes a table by a window on the second floor & listens to an organ grinder playing down on the sidewalk. A waiter approaches to take his order. He grabs the man, drains him dry & tosses the corpse out the window. Another waiter approaches, is drained, gets tossed out the window. By the time he's gone through the entire wait staff of the bistro, he's full & quite happy. He leaves the bistro & finds the organ grinder in tears. "My good man, what seems to be the problem?" asks Dracula. The organ grinder replies, "Drained wops keep falling on my head."


A certain notorious German doctor, known for reanimating the dead, gives up science & decides to open a sausage & ale house. He calls it "Frank 'n Stein.

Jean Paul Sartre is walking down the sidewalk when he runs into a friend. "You look a little pale. How are you?" asks the friend. Sartre begins to speak, then covers his mouth with his hand, turns, & vomits. "Oh". says the friend. " A little nausea."

Regards,
John

[mzuri]

1. What do you call an agnostic insomniac with dyslexia?

Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there's a dog.


2. ... he's like a dead atheist. .... all dressed up and nowhere to go.

[Blingcosa]

Thanks, John, I enjoyed that. I even tried out the first 10 puns on my friends, to see if any would make them laugh, but unfortunately no pun in ten did!

[Shroob]

Three linguists walk into A'.

[fat_chris]