Job Discussion Forums

dagi · Joined: 01 Jan 2004 Posts: 425

I am planning to go abroad and have been lurking around here quite a while. Now I wonder how other women who are already living abroad deal with the issue of relationships.
By the time I am able to make the move I will be 30 years old and besides going abroad I also intend to find a partner and raise a family.
There are so many posts here from guys who want to know where the most willing/cute girls are that make good (house)wifes but I hardly ever read posts from women!
So, if I move abroad will I become the solitary woman due to all the cute/willing/available local women that I cannot compete with cause I am more of a feminist or are there female teachers who have found a partner?

Please understand that my main goal is not to find a partner but it would be nice to know if there are opportunities or if I have to decide between going abroad and the family/partner thing.

Hogbear · Joined: 12 Oct 2003 Posts: 42 Location: New York City

dagi · Joined: 01 Jan 2004 Posts: 425

The question rose because nearly all of my female friends adviced me not to go abroad if I want to have a family. They think I am too old, e.g. I will never meet somebody abroad and when I come back after a couple of years I will be too old to get pregnant/find partner.
They thought it is okay to do such a thing when you are like 20-25 but not when you have to be aware of the biological clock. My best friend told me that she thinks that I will have to accept to stay single forever if I go abroad and rather should stay home and wait for Mr. Right (sort of amused me).

khmerhit · Posted: Sat Apr 24, 2004 7:40 pm Post subject:

My twocent post---

I know of somebody from my city who was looking to meet a man, but she was having difficulties. Quite an attractive woman, too.

When she was getting on for forty, she went abroad as an ESL teacher, immediately met her prince charming, and now has a family.

She doesnt live here any more---cant say as i blame her, either.

Hope this helps.

khmerhit Cool

OH, BTW, if you do meet a man abroad and there appears to be local competition, do not hound him to death with paranoid jealous ravings. he will eventually tire of them, no matter how much he likes you....

James_T_Kirk · Joined: 20 Sep 2003 Posts: 357 Location: Ten Forward

Hi Dagi,

scot47 · Joined: 10 Jan 2003 Posts: 15343

Watch out for men who are more attracted by your passport than by you !

denise · Joined: 23 Apr 2003 Posts: 3419 Location: finally home-ish

Dagi,

At the risk of overgeneralizing, I'd say Japan is not the best place to meet men, for the reasons that you yourself cited. It works very easily the other way--loads of foreign men come here and hook up with the local ladies. I've discussed this issue ad nauseum with male and female friends, and we (particularly the girls) agree that it's much for difficult for women. Me being single, female, and late-20s, I really wish it weren't so...

d

ls650 · Joined: 10 May 2003 Posts: 3484 Location: British Columbia

Guest · Posted: Sat Apr 24, 2004 11:13 pm Post subject:

Yes, in my opinion is will b very hard for you to meet a partner if you are coming to China.

I realise that I am MUCH OLDER than you but I am also faced with the fact that I probably will spend the rest of my life alone.

I do (or did) have a Partner in Australia, but as I am not returning there, I will lose him.

I feel very fulfilled and happy here, much happier than I was in Australia, but it would be nice to have someone to go out with occasionally.

All of my Chinese friends are on the lookout for a "Grandfather" for me.

Last night one of them said "what if he cannot speak English" and I replied "thats O.K. - because I don't want to TALK to him!"

Of course I was just joking and they all laughed. Seriously though - in my case I will probably be alone in the future but I can live with that.

I hope you do meet someone wherever you go as at 30 years of age, I would have hated not to have someone to care for.

Good luck

rj · Joined: 29 Mar 2004 Posts: 159

I realize your main goal isn't to find a partner abroad, but is it a main goal to find one at home? I'm not so far from 30 myself and it's hardly abnormal that you're looking for that special someone.

I don't know how difficult it will be to find a willing partner abroad (and a lot of that depends on where you will be going I'm sure), but you obviously haven't met with success at home anyway so is it a valid reason not to travel? I'd also keep in mind that if you are the type of person who wants to travel the world and are looking for the same in a partner, you may very well have better luck abroad.

Honestly, 30 isn't exactly old these days either! Many women are waiting till they are in their late 30's and early 40's before starting families. If you are only planning to go abroad for two or three years, you will still have plenty of time to get home, meet a guy and do the family thing.

Aramas · Posted: Sun Apr 25, 2004 3:37 am Post subject:

The predominant 'wisdom' propagated by sexpats is that western women can't get laid to save their lives in the countries that such types tend to frequent.

However, the majority of emotionally intact western men would prefer a long-term relationship with a western woman rather than with someone from an entirely alien culture. Some might prefer to escape the consumerist hamster wheel and spend the rest of their lives in developing countries, but would generally prefer to do so with someone from their own culture. The level of intimacy, communication, empathy and shared values achievable with someone from a similar background is infinitely more satisfying than what can realistically evolve by 'going native'.

Having said that, a lot of western women fall victim to their insecurities (which of course we all have) and basically go completely insane when confronted by a relationship in a country in which beautiful young women are as available as beer. If you're the jealous type then don't go. Most men are faithful to a fault, but that's never enough. Jealous women usually try to implement an 'isolationist policy', and the end effect is always the same - they drive their mate away, but usually not before plumbing the depths of amateur melodrama.

So if you don't get bitter, overly possessive or jealous, or just go barking mad, then your prospects will be better for the simple reason that you will be stepping out of the box of your mundane life and meeting a lot of new people. You'll have no choice but to 'put yourself out there' because you're already there. At worst you'll grow as a person, and at best you will share that growth with someone you would never have dreamed of meeting.

Gordon · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 5309 Location: Japan

There's a decent chance you will meet a fellow TEFL'er and you will have something in common with him. What a lot of us have in common is that we love to travel, meet new people, abhore the monotony of our home country and taxes, and have a sense of adventure (oh yeah and like to teach too). Of course these are generalizations. That's more interests than many married couples share. I'm fortunate that my wife and I have all of these traits and that's why we're overseas. Relationships will not last abroad if only one of you wants to be there.

wtdot03 · Posted: Sun Apr 25, 2004 11:50 am Post subject:

I can't believe i just read that....this is 2004 or have i warped to some parallel universe?Where is your self worth as a woman.You say you are a feminist, yet you are basing your happiness in life on meeting a man.Go out there and enjoy yourself and be who you want to be, for a start this is more attractive to the opposite sex (well the right kind).I understand you want to have a family, but why is this?Is it soceital pressure?

Look it will happen when you least expect it, enjoy life and have a man respect you for that, otherwise you will end up some downtrodden housewife regretting that the best years of her life has past.

Gordon · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 5309 Location: Japan

gugelhupf · Joined: 24 Jan 2004 Posts: 575 Location: Jabotabek

I really can't understand why anyone would suggest the OP wants to have a partner and family only because of "societal pressures". She sounds perfectly intelligent enough to make up her own mind.

My own choice is to remain single. It works well for me - and I have tried the alternatives. I am 41 now so I've had a few years to find out what suits me.

Unlike myself, however, the vast majority of people that I meet have chosen not to remain single and many have chosen to start a family. Where is the problem with that?