Job Discussion Forums

[gadfly]

Hello fellow Yabanci: I was wondering if there were fellow teachers out there married to Turkish folks and how that was going. I really admire Turkish culture and am deeply smitten by my turkish fiance. She is really a great person and everything. I was wondering what the advantages and the challenges of a cross cultural marriage are. We intend to get married soon and I want things to go really well. If anyone has advice about being married to a turkish person in turkey that would be cool. Thanks a million Gadfly.

[gelin]

Don't ask me -- I was married to a Turk for 14 years. Divorced, happily, now.

[justme]

Good question! I'm interested too, being that I'm going to marry a Turkish man soon...

From what I've seen, marriages with foreign men to Turkish women seem to go a lot better than the other way around, not that it's stopping me from marrying this man. I can't really offer any good reasons why this appears to be the case-- I mean, I have some theories but I'm only going by what I've seen and heard about-- I've not really talked to many people about their marriages and why they work or don't work.

Offhand I'd say my biggest challenge so far is the involvement of his family in our lives. I mean, his parents are really good people, his family is very loving, not too conservative, and they've been nothing but welcoming and supportive of me. I think what's difficult is that I'm 31 and have been completely independent since I was 18, but Turks seem to view their children more as 'the kids' no matter how old they are, and sometimes I feel like I've gone back to 16 years old. In some ways it's helpful-- my fiance hasn't ever lived on his own, and there are plenty of things in Turkey I can't negotiate on my own very well (like chatting up the emlakcı's, getting utilities set up, getting painters, haggling for prices without getting the yabancı shaft...), but other times it feels like a bit of an imposition, like his mother coming to clean our flat before we move in, having to have the traditional 'white wedding,' not having a choice of who can be my witness at the nikah... So it's some good some bad, and I'm trying to choose battles wisely. While it's nice to suddenly be a part of a decent family (one which is similar to my own family in a lot of ways), there are times that I have to hide things about myself, my life, and my past from them because they just wouldn't understand or accept it, and it would make a problem with them and my fiance, or between them and me.

So we'll see. Nothing so far to make me doubt myself, and I'm finally in love with a good man so what can I do?

[bigbadsuzie]

I have no intention to tye the knot with a Turkish bloke as just me pointed out the family takes over a lot .Generally if you are marrying a female you get an easier ride but don't expect your opinions to be taken into account when it comes to your kids choice of religion ,education ,language,cultural attachments as well �as a host of other rthings you haven't even considered .
The divorce rate is high between Turk males and other females ,you will always be considered as an outsider and they will try to seperate you from your kids if you let them .
Many familes live in less than perfect surroundings and some things they say and do will make you wonder if you are living on another planet .

[justme]

Yeah, I've heard a lot of the same and I don't discount it as a possibility, no probability. Thus far he's been good about standing up to his family on things I really put my foot down about, but thus far they've been small things, like how his mom thinks my bust is ayip, I think because it moves, and I should wear this dreadful side and shoulder slicing 1950's contraption of a bra she bought for the engagement to minimise this terrible shame of mine.

Naturally I go back and forth between thinking, is this as bad as it's gonna get? or is it just gonna get worse? Really, the only doubts I have about the marriage are from stuff like this. I know I can hold my own if I have to, but every time I do it puts him in a bad position with his family.

But this is life-- if it's not one d*mn thing it's another...

[bigbadsuzie]

One word of warning to any wannabe Turkish "Gelin" . Never on any account ask your spouse to make a choice between you and his mother YOU WİLL LOSE.
If you can live with that regardless of how long you have been together and how many kids you have produced then go for it ,otherwise think twice .

[vre]

It's a real toughie! I have been with my Turk bloke for two years and, although I'd love to settle down with him and do the whole Turk aile thing, I'm more than concerned. My case is a bit different in terms of

language
class
education
strength of his/ his family's religious beliefs
interests
my having been independent for so long
cultural differences..........................

If you have really really good communication with you fiance and he is willing to always support you and meet you half way, then you shouldnt have a problem. They say that many Turk men change after a few years of marriage. But it is true to say that out of, let's say 20 women I know, half are divorced, a quarter are unhappy (some severely) and are waiting till their kids are 18 plus to avoid those revenge kidnapping battles etc, and a quarter are between ok and happy. I love my Turk but i'm also a realist......but my case is a little extreme.....

[vre]

also, if you're gonna do it, then do it BUT KEEP TAKING THE PILL FOR A FEW YEARS UNTIL YOU ARE REALLY SURE. It's easy to get a divorce in Turkey, but it isnt always easy to keep your kids!

[justme]

I know, it all seems very bleak indeed! And the stories one hears...

But at some point you just have to trust yourself. I'm no babe in the woods, my experience with relationships (love and otherwise) has generally been positive, and I know what I'm looking for and what I want in life.

On the other hand, I would be the first person to caution a foreign woman against marrying a Turkish man, based both on experience (excluding this one) and anecdote (I'd say women I know married to Turks fall into the same percentages as those vre listed). Perhaps that why I'm starting to sound defensive here, going against my own advice like this. Plus, as the big day looms and the (off-white!) dress is being altered I'm geting jittery, as anyone should before changing their life completely. I guess I'm giving up some things but I'm certainly gaining more than I'm losing.

And the adventure continues...

[justme]

Sorry, couldn't figure out the quote thingie...

My case is a bit different in terms of

language
class
education
strength of his/ his family's religious beliefs
interests
my having been independent for so long
cultural differences..........................


If it's not too terribly nosy of me to ask, how is your situation different?

[vre]

It is difficult even for me to get my head round.

Let's say that friends who are happily married have a husband who speaks very very good English (or they speak Turkish), And the hubby earns very well and went to university, and the hubby's family is very modern, and hubby isnt very religious at all, and hubby and family is quite pro- west and not so patriotic and doesnt expect you to change too much. Those ones seem to work. (My case seems to be an almost exact opposite of those hubbies, but we love each other so much!)

I think If your bloke fits the above hubby, you should be ok. But any doubts may be an indicator.

I'd like to meet up with you girlies and chat over a coffee about this.

Anyway enjoy and take the experience with open arms BUT remember that Mum in law IS always gonna be number one lady. Oh, and keep taking those pills!!!!

[gelin]

Things usually are fine until children come along. Then the fun begins.... Can you believe we actually fought over how to wipe the kid's butt??? The little things are the killers.

[dmb]

[justme]

Yaeh, I would expect a full mom takeover if there were kids. On one hand, fine, I don't know beans about babies, and there's some free child care when I go back to work. On the other hand, at some point they become people and not babies, and I doubt I'd appreciate ongoing input, which would be inevitable.

Otherwise I agree with the situation as far as family, money, family expectations and religious/political situation. I have the same standards even for American men. With the exception of a Uni degree my fiancee fits the bill or I wouldn't be doing this. Plus, he's Alevi, which helps, and no one expects me to become a Muslim or change my name.

He does, however, have a tendency to explode into patriotic and nationalistic platitiudes, and he gets angry if I use '***king' and 'Ataturk' in the same sentence, as in 'If I have to read one more essay about the live of ***king Ataturk, I'm gonna kill someone.' He's fiercely pro-Turkey (though he hates the government and the education system) without being anti-Yabancıland, and he's better-travelled and more tolerant than most. When he went abroad he liked the food.

I thought of some stuff to answer gadfly's original question, if he doesn't know already: don't cross your legs in front of her parents (especially her dad) even if they do it. If you smoke, don't do it in front of his parents (again, especially the dad), even if they do and even if they offer. Don't use bread to mop food from your plate, unless you're with just her immediate family in their house and they do it too. Don't sit with your back to her parents. If dad comes home while you're over, stand up to greet him. If you happen to argue in English with your girlfriend in front of her parents, don't gesture with your hands (that one is hard). Accept the endless stream of tea and fruit and cake that is offered. If you have opposite sex roommates, don't let on to her folks. Your girlfriend will guide you on the alcohol issue, but as a man, you get to drink rakı and hard alcohol if they do. Don't whistle in their house, especially after dark. Depending on your age, like if you're around 20 years younger than parents or extended family, you will win love by doing the kiss the hand and put it to your head thing. They may pull away to show they respect you as an adult but the gesture goes over well nonetheless.

Silly things, but it makes the road a little smoother...

[Mike_2003]

Married to a Turk for five years and very happily divorced.

As everyone above has said, delay having kids for a while if you do tie the knot because divorce is really easy when it's uncomplicated by children. I applied for divorce on the Monday and was single by Friday night! It was uncontested however. Not saying you should enter marriage preparing for your divorce but you need to consider your options.

I sincerely wish you good luck.

Mike