Job Discussion Forums

[cujobytes]

Date: Thu, 4 Nov 2004 13:53:20 +0100

To the citizens of the United States of America.

In light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.
Effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more
than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the
letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no
more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope
with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to
develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or
Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England.
The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game
which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.


7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chipsare properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will
henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

H.M.


(Harry Miller)

[juststeven]

OK. Bring your guns and be ready for a serious fight.

[Josh Lyman]

[homersimpson]

Don't know if you're just trying to be a smartass like me w/my Canada-bashing post just to prove a point, but if you're serious, here goes:

[ls650]

[badtyndale]

DOH!










heh, heh

[James_T_Kirk]

[runabout]

Hey, I'd go with most of the wish list, but only if Brazil takes us over. At least this way we'd get to keep the guns, shoot the therapists lawyers and Brits without worry.

BTW: no offense to the Brazilians: I wouldn't want to take on the mess in the US either. But can you imagine what that minority who actually votes would think when they did notice? Pluralism and religion actually being fun!

BTW: If you took away the cheap and undrinkable beer and the petrol (which, yes, one can't drink either), can you imagine whom the US might attack next??? Makes 9/11 look like play acting.

BTW: How can you argue against a country which has both Hollywood and a Hollywood actor who wants to be president? Obviously you don't have the culture that we USers do. As a friend of mine likes saying, "you remember the last time an Austrian took post in a foreign country?" Sissy-man!!

BTW: Baseball is one of the most popular sports in the Americas.

Just having fun,

Runabout

[juststeven]

Ok. I'll say it one more time. I've explained this to sooooo many Brits that I'm sick of it. The 'World Series' of our humble attempt of 'rounders' was begun by a newspaper in New York called the 'New York World', hence: the World Series.

[cujobytes]

Geeeez these yanks take it all so seriously don't they.

[Cardinal Synn]

[quote="James_T_Kirk"]

[dmb]

[homersimpson]

[Sandpiper]

[arodeorowdy]

cujobytes - I read your post several weeks ago, but didn't bite, but tonight you pulled a nerve, so here's my thoughts.

3. Unlike Europeans who are surrounded by 20 other countries and cultures and have a lot of exposure to them we Americans are sorta isolated by two large ponds of water. If one doesn't live in a large city one doesn't have the opportunity to be exposed to different cultures and accents. Our newspapers are pretty think as their's a lot of news going on over here. Many of the European papers I've seen are small and thin, so they have more time to read newspapers from other countries.

6. Are you aware there is an American Football League in Europe?
It's called the World Series because the best in the World play in our Leagues. Not only is baseball played in the Americas, both North, Central and South, but also in Asia. Several Japanese, Taiwanese and Koreans play in American too. Same for basketball and hockey; the best in the world are welcomed to play Professional Sports in America.

7. If Americans were not allowed to own firearms then it's possible that the US Military would not have been effective in rescuing the European Continent, not once, but twice in the last century. If America stayed COMPLETELY out of WWII, no Lend Lease program, no USA bombing campaigns, NO MARSHALL PLAN after the war, NO LOANS of any kind, then the Europe of today would be a very different Continent.

One would think that after WWI you Euro's would have learned to keep the peace. But NOOOO, because of the french, in large part, who kept squeezing the Germans for more retributions, WWII flared up. After the smoke cleared it was the Americans who helped organize the rebuilding of the destroyed cities, spent billions of dollars so American soldiers could stay in Europe to keep the peace and brought the world closer together with the formation of the United Nations.

9. You didn't mention Harley Davidson - arguably the best dam bike in the world. I've also seen many Lincoln Town Cars, Chrysler Jeeps and H1/H2 Hummers in many countries during my travels around the world.

10. It seems that millions and millions of people AROUND THE WORLD love the American french fry, if not then the world wouldn't be covered with Micky D's, B K's and Wendys...which it is!

12. I agree that American beer is not good. Home of the original AND ONLY Budweiser, called Budvar, is Cheske Budejovice, not Pilsen.

13. Haha, wishing you had our petrol prices huh? Keep wishing! When I drove my car all over Europe, the highest prices I paid at the time was in Norway, with all the oil they have go figure.

14. We do have far, far too many lawyers which creates our litigious socitey; these are the two things I hate most about my country.

Well it seems HM tax collectors tried to collect her revenues 228 years ago, but Jolly Ole England was not man enough to do it, so when push came to shove she shoved off. She tried it again 36 years later , but still DIDN'T HAVE THE BULLOCKS to PULL IT OFF! And 100 years later HM the King, along with the Panzy-A$$ed french, begged for the US. to come over and bail her out. Hummm, with friends like this WHO NEED ENEMYS?

Cheers, Rowdy