Job Discussion Forums

[Shaman]

Hello Forum,

Here's something light for you all. Feel free to add to the list.

Shaman



1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

19. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

21. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

22. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

23. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

24. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

26. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

27. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

28. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

29. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

30. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

[M.K.]

Those were great, Shaman

All those familiar with Saturday Night Live will appreciate the following selection of "Deep Thoughts", by Jack Handy. Or maybe I just have a twisted sense of humor...

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

[denise]

My favorite Steven Wright joke: (sorry, but I don't remember it verbatim, so it probably won't be nearly as funny as when he told it)

When I was a child, we had a patch of quicksand out in our backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

[tjpnz2000]

Hi,

`There are two types of people, those who make gross generalisations and those that don't`

[Roger]

Thanks to all of you for your exhilarating, edifying and amusing contributions!

[Shaman]

I used to get a kick out of Jack Handy as well, M.K. One vignette that caused uproarious laughter went as such:

The Scenario:

Smartly dressed elementary school boy walks happily through suburbia (grinning dopily) toting his book bag, obviously on his way to class.

Narrator:

"Have you ever seen a child on his way to school, have a car drive past and splash him, and then he just stands there and thinks if he should just go to school or go home and change and be late... and then I drove past and splashed him again!"

Warped, but funny.



Shaman

[biffinbridge]

Don't ya just love birthday presents?It was my birthday the other day.I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...so I put 'em in the same room...let 'em fight it out.

[biffinbridge]

If you're travelling in a car at the speed of light and you turn the lights on......does anything happen?

[gerard]

Somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with an exact duplicate...I told my roommate..he said "Do I know you?"...

My brother went to Canada a few years ago and saw a billboard...Drink Canada Dry.....He's still there...

[xnihil]

I have an existential map . . .it has, "you are here" written all over it.

I have a map of the world where the scale says, "one inch = one inch". Its pretty hard to fold up.

There is a switch on my wall that doesn't connect to anything. Whenever I walk by I hit it up or down. Last week, I got a post card from Germany. It said, "Stop that."


I couldn't find the remote control, so I called information. She said it was behind the couch.

I bought a blank tape, brought it home, turned the stereo on full blast and listened to it. My neighbors knocked on the door to complain. They're mimes.