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[johnslat]

Here there are - more true tales of mankind's ( you'll notice they're all men - wonder if that's significant ) awesome capacity for sheer stupidity.
They seem to get better ( worse? ) every year - does this mean something ?

Darwin Awards

The 2003 Darwin Awards
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin
Awards, here they are. The awards this year are, once again, truly classic.
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think... until these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.

5th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Valley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mamouth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
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4th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot
dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
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3rd RUNNER-UP:

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
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2nd RUNNER-UP:

"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl M. D.Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
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1st RUNNER-UP:

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut
and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw
also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

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Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of
the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunate for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken,
along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him
a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it
half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...


Regards,
John

[Kent F. Kruhoeffer]

Hello johnslat:

Yeah ... but for a Metallica concert, it was worth it, don't ya think?

Rock on dudes!

[Irish]

As an animal lover, I find a tiny bit of comfort in reading that the stag managed to take the poacher out with him.

And thanks, John, for posting the most hilariously terrifying thing since...well, since the 2002 Darwin Awards.

[elainenatal]

Dear Mr JohnSlat
I wish to lodge a protest, I cannot see Doors on this list and I'm sure that I sent my vote in!
If you were a "contenda", please tell us your story so that we can judge.
kindest regards
Elaine

[Irish]

Elaine has a good point, but why stop there? Let's make it an EFL/ESL Darwin awards and see if we can discover who did one of those scam school "certificates," signed the worst contracts, got suckered into working the longest hours for the least pay, believed the guy who said that working without appropriate papers was no problem only to be unceremoniously deported, etc. There must be some interesting stories out there, if only people are willing to come forward.

[Kent F. Kruhoeffer]

Dear Irish:

Top 'O the Day to ya! OK, I'll be the first sucker. I'm not proud.

1. In Manila I worked illegally for 2 years by renewing my tourist visa every 6 months. A bottle of good Johnnie Walker presented to the immigration lawyer kept questions to a minimum. I also lived in a rat & roach infested squatter's tenament for 6 months before realizing that roaches do bite. Actually, they 'nibble' a straight line down your neck. They like soft skin, apparently.

2. In Romania, I worked 6 hours a day for $150 per month. Sort of like Arnold Schwarzenegger (in Kindergarten Cop) on welfare.

3. In Istanbul, I almost got beat up for wearing old jeans with big holes in them. Islam frowns on showing skin. I ran home and changed quickly before the bricks started to fly.

OK. I'm finished. Next ....

[johnslat]

Dear elainenatal,
" If you were a 'contenda', please tell us your story so that we can judge. "
Well, all of my many entries would have involved ( as did some on this year's list ) the imbibing of spirits and/or drugs. My unaided stupidity just isn't up to the high standards of the Darwins. And there were so many, involving motor vehicles of various sorts, idiot stunts while engaging in activities that are a bit risky even when totally sober, such as skiing, rock-climbing, scuba-diving, etc. and some behavior while I was in Viet Nam and under the influence of various drugs. The list is embarrassingly long and these days I'm amazed that I somehow managed to survive myself.
Regards,
John

[woza17]

I have actually used the Darwin awards in my lessons. The ones where the people don't actually die. My students are quite sensitive and perhaps in my old age I dont laugh as hard. My favourite for class is the guy who ties all the balloons to his garden chair and the guy that has built a radio tower.
Cheers Carol

[Irish]

johnslat wrote:

[johnslat]

Dear Irish,
While I appreciate your " mitigating circumstances " defense as to my Viet Nam behavior, I'm afraid it won't hold up. Experience has taught me that when/if you are thrust into a " stupid life-threatening situation ", the right response ( and one much more likely to ensure your continued survival )is NOT to be stupid yourself.
Regards,
John

[zakiah25]

Dear John
Are you sure that you're not just being modest and hiding the real "juicy" stories from us? I thought that I heard a rumour that one of our renowned members is to be nominated for a lifetime achievement award at next year's ceremony.
The recipient would take his place alongside of the "all time greats" from history like Attila the Hun and Vlad the Impaler, and with contempories such as John McEnroe, Imelda Marcos and Mr Magoo.
But, of course, as you stated, you haven't reached that level yet!
keep trying
Zakiah

[johnslat]

Dear zakiah25,
" I thought that I heard a rumour that one of our renowned members is to be nominated for a lifetime achievement award at next year's ceremony. "

To pilfer the words of General Sherman:
" If nominated, I will not run; if elected I will not serve "

No, I'm afraid my days ( and nights ) of awesome stupidity are all in the past - inshallah. And, despite my many attempts to do myself bodily harm or worse, i doubt my antics would rate a " lifetime achievment award ". There is simply too much better competition out there - modesty forbids that I should rate myself in the same class as, say, Mr. Magoo.
Regards,
John