Job Discussion Forums

[The Dog Ate My Keitai]

Disclaimer: I know some people are going to take this seriously, so be forewarned -- this is a humour piece. If your comment is going to be "this guy needs to stop whining and get a life" then you've missed my point -- which is to take a lighthearted look at my work in Japan)...
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One of my favorite websites is The Smoking Gun. They publish classified and other interesting documents like mug shots, booking statements, FBI reports on the web, thanks to the Freedom of Information Act.

One of the most interesting sections of the websites is where they have all the riders used by performers when they go on tour. For those who don't know what a rider is, it's a document that gets sent to the venue that's hosting the performer. It lists any requirements, desires, dislikes of the performer so that his/her sojourn is more comfortable and it keeps them happy. It also lists the way the stage should be set up, lighting, sound, etc... For example, if you want to book Eminem to play at your school graduation, you'd better have 12 cans of Myoplex Low Carb drink backstage... And J-Lo don't shake her booty unless she's got yellow roses with red trim, white lilies and white roses... If you want to read an example rider, go here: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/backstagetour/georgecarlin/georgecarlin1.html It's the rider for George Carlin. He's a funny man but his requirements ain't so funny.

Anyway, I was thinking... Why should only these guys have riders? I teach at a minimum of 12 elementary schools (directly via the school board) and EACH of these schools is completely different... Everything is different everywhere -- from where you can leave your bags to what they serve you to drink.

Darn it, I think I should have a standard rider too. I'll make sure the BoE sends a copy out to each school at which I teach...

I've been thinking about it for a while, and here, for the first time, exclusively on Dave's ESL Cafe.... here is the first draft.


The following provisions are hereby made between ______________ School hereinafter referred to as The School. f/s/o The Dog Ate My Keitai hereinafter referred to as Artist or The Teacher.

Agreement made this _____ day of _____________, ______ . The school agrees to provide The Teacher for the engagement hereunder at the school's expense, the following considerations:

1. Upon arrival in the morning, The Teacher requests a cup of hot, black coffee. This is to be available at a moment's notice. Please provide 1 sugar, 1 spoon and no cream. The coffee must be brewed coffee. Instant coffee is not acceptable.

2. Aforementioned coffee shall be ready for The Teacher in the staff room at the conclusion of each class period. During recess, you may ask The Teacher if he wishes a snack with his coffee.

3. Please have the following available for The Teacher in the staff room at all times:
- 1 bottle of Aquarius
- 1 carton of 100% unsweetened orange juice
- 1 carton skim milk
- 1 box chocolate chip cookies (any brand)
- 1 box of Frisk brand breath mints

4. In addition, please ensure The Teacher has:
- a table or desk to sit and use that will not get turned into a lunch table at noon, which requires The Teacher's belongings to be moved.
- 1 box of rubber bands
- 1 box of paper clips
- 1 ream ea. of A4, B5, A3 white paper
- 1 stapler stocked with staples
- 1 pr. scissors
- 1 glue stick
- assorted colored paper
- 1 bag standard party balloons
- 1 roll colored ribbon

In addition, please provide a computer with Internet access. In addition, the computer should be equipped with: a word processor, spreadsheet software, and a printer. Both colour and laser are preferred but this is not necessary.

Lunch considerations. If The Teacher is requested to eat lunch with the students, the following guidelines apply:

5. An adult-sized desk on which to eat lunch. This desk must not be shared with the children. A regular chair with a back. Piano benches are unacceptable.

6. Please provide standard-sized portions. Extra helpings because The Teacher is larger-than-an-average-Japanese are unnecessary. The Teacher eats the same amount as an average Japanese adult. Likewise, mini-portions resulting from The Teacher eating with the Grade 1 class are also unacceptable.

7. Please do not serve The Teacher any of the following foods:
- fish that have not been filleted
- fish that still have fins or heads attached to them
- okra
- shrimp that have not been deshelled
- anything classified as "neba-neba"
- vegetables laced with pork products
- sweet potatoes
- any variety of squash, pumpkin or yams

8. Please do not provide The Teacher with a spork. Regular spoons and chopsticks are acceptable.

9. Any comments relating to The Teacher's use of chopsticks are to be refrained from at all times!

10. Any comments relating to The Teacher's dietary choices or likes/dislikes of certain foods are to be refrained from. Please be assured, The Teacher's home country has all of the foods you have in Japan too. Nothing new is on your plate.

Other considerations:

11. Children are to refrain from physically contacting The Teacher at all times. This should be made clear prior to The Teacher's arrival. The following actions are unacceptable:
- climbing on any part of the person
- stroking arm/leg hairs
- touching/pulling/stroking facial hair
- concho
- crotch shots/grabs
- excessive handshaking -- especially if The Teacher has just seen little fingers exit little noses with boogers on them

12. The Teacher is to be granted the same respect as any other visiting Japanese teacher. This means: proper use of The Teacher's last name -- ergo: HEY JOHN-SENSEI is unacceptable.

13. The Teacher requests exclusive use of recesses, after-lunch breaks, and after-school time for personal use, such as, but not limited to, future lesson preparation, paperwork, planning, administrative work. The Teacher will engage in play with the children only if such work has been completed and he is in the right frame of mind to do so (i.e. he WANTS to).

14.a) The Teacher shall have autonomy over the subject material, class content and lessons taught. He is not only a native speaker, but a qualified teacher, so you may rely on him to deliver a quality lesson. The Teacher, under no circumstances will consider any curricula devised by teachers who require an English translator to express their wishes.

14.b) The Teacher is flexible as to the TOPIC of what the children get taught. Please leave the rest up to The Teacher. Such special requests (that deviate from The Teacher's standard curriculum which he uses on tour) should be made in writing or by telephone and made no less than 2 weeks prior to the lesson date.

15. Please do not use English, posters, songs or teach the children anything until it has been approved and corrected by The Teacher. Utterances from the Japanese homeroom teacher like, "Let's English!" will not be tolerated. It will only result in the homeroom teacher embarassingly getting corrected in front of his/her students. Likewise, posters errected in the classroom with statements like "WERCOME KEITAI-TEACHER" will be corrected right away, with a red marker.

16. The Teacher expects the Japanese homeroom teacher to remain in the classroom during the lesson. This is to help organize the class for games, split the class into groups, help demonstrate English points, participate with the children and retain class discipline. The Teacher's arrival is not license to smoke in the lounge or correct last week's math tests. The Teacher strongly believes in the homeroom teacher should learn to speak at least as much English as what the students are trying to learn. After The Teacher's departure, it's the homeroom teacher's responsibility to keep practicing English concepts taught by The Teacher to avoid forgetting them.

17. The School agrees not to schedule more than five (5) classes in one day unless for a special reason/occasion -- notice for which shall be given, pursuant to the guideliness set out in article 14.

18. Please do not provide a translator for The Teacher. As The Teacher speaks sufficient Japanese, he will expres himself in either language, as needed. The translator will merely be bored sitting in the corner of the room.

19. The Teacher reserves the right to preview, edit, change or delete any photographs taken during classes that will be used for The School's public displays or archival purposes.

20. The Teacher reserves the right to append or edit this rider at any time. In such an event, proper advance notice will be sent to The School in writing, accompanying a new copy of the rider.

[madeira]

I thought Carlin's rider was modest, too.

No, I'm not joking.

Yes, I have worked as a PA.

[lajzar]

Actually, what would be kind of nice is a set of basic information (beyond how to get there) for each school. For example:

Pictures or physical description of the head teachers and English department staff.

Where are spare chalk/board markers kept? Is there usually any in the classroom?

How many classes are there in each year group? How big are they? How many students in total?

Are any of sports hall/computer room/language lab/etc available for booking? What is the procedure for booking these for a lesson?

Tea? Coffee? Sugar? Bring your own mug? What's the deal with refreshments? Same question regarding school lunch.

Are there any problem students? Physical / mental disabilities? Any classes particularly noted for disruptive students?

Does the school have a uniform?

What are appropriate discipliinary procedures at the school? What does the school consider unacceptable behaviour?