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[Guy Courchesne]

Scotland has the Loch Nest Monster, Lake Okanagan has Ogo Pogo and Lake Manitoba has Manipogo, but they all pale in comparison to Calumet Island's "The General". Few have seen the General and lived to tell about it but some locals (mostly Denis and his brothers) describe it as a giant, carnivorous bass with a mouth the size of a roadside poutine truck.


We've lost many a lure to the General over the years. In two weeks we set out to reclaim our tackle. Using nothing but our wits, copious amounts of alcohol and what's left of our fishing gear, we plan on landing the elusive General.


I've culled the Shawville Gazette for information on the General and pasted the highlights below.


I feel confident in our abilities to best this monster fish, but if something should go wrong...honour my memory, live life to the fullest, and for God's sake, STAY OUT OF THE WATER!
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The Cold War between Russia and the US ended when the General said "enough!"

The General won first prize in the Mr. Universe contest. Not only was he the strongest but he also ate all the other competitors.

The general wrote War and Peace in 15 minutes. Even he wasn't able to finish reading it though.

The General pisses champagne and shits caviar. Scientists are baffled.

The Edmund Fitzgerald was actually sunk by the General. Fearing reprisal, Gordon Lightfoot changed the lyrics from "holy shit it's the General's fin" to "...the base of a hurricane west wind."

The atomic blast at Hiroshima and Nagasaki was actually caused by the General slapping his fin on the water.

The oceans aren't rising because of melting glaciers but rather from water displaced as the General grows.

Iraq's 'weapons of mass destruction' is actually just the General. The US is still too scared to reveal the truth to the public.

The movie Braveheart is loosely based on the time Edward I refused to accept the General's claim to the English throne. The current Royal Family are all direct descendants of the General.

Mel Gibson directed another movie loosely based on the General - The Passion of Christ.

In a futile attempt to capture the General, CN Railways built a 553 meter fishing pole. The fishing pole still stands in downtown Toronto as a testament to their failure.