Job Discussion Forums

[naturegirl321]

while they studied? My husband is thinking about going back to school full-time. Anyone have experience with this? Any advice?

[DainaJ]

My husband supported me while I obtained my master's degree, and I'm supporting him (and 2 kids) now that he is studying for his master's. I should add, though, that he is the English teacher, not me.

What do you want to know? I'd be happy to try to help.

[Gordon]

I supported my wife (financially) while I studied my masters in Japan. BUT (and it is a big BUT), she did everything else. Cooking, cleaning, looking after kids (even had one in the middle of my degree), absolutely everything. Remember finances is only one part of the support one needs.

[Aramas]

I've yet to hear of that scenario working out. Men tend to go a bit peculiar when they're 'kept'. They seem to either turn into gossipy, apron-wearing 'housewives' or go the other way and become lazy, womanising tyrants.

Not that I'm trying to discourage you or anything

I would suggest that you 'encourage' (ie force) him to work part time throughout his course.

[jr1965]

Hi Naturegirl,

I've been the primary breadwinner in my family for a number of years and for several, was the only source of income for our family (I'm married and we have a daughter). My husband has been the family caretaker (he shops, cooks, takes and picks up our daughter from school, takes her to doctor's appointments, etc). He's great at it.

Part of the reason that our relationship evolved in this way was because when our daughter was first born, he was freelancing and I had the better paying situation (that involved long hours and lots of travel). I also wanted to go back to school. We didn't want to put our daughter in daycare. As Gordon said, "finances are only one part of the support one needs." This is SO true.

The hard part is that a lot of people just don't *get it* when a woman supports a man. The double standard is everywhere (even among family, friends, and acquaintances who label themselves progressive), and men feel it, I think. In our case, I can't tell you the number of times people asked my husband, "So� when are you going to get a job?" Nevermind that he WAS working full time (in his case, caring for our girl, etc etc). Would anyone have asked me that question if the situation were reversed? I doubt it.

This has been the trickiest part for my husband. There have been times when he's felt really embarrassed if others know he isn't the main source of income for our family (btw, my husband is Spanish, raised in a fairly traditional family). Maybe we've felt this b/c we have a child. Might be different if you don't.

The bottom line, though, is that you need to do what's right for you. If your husband really needs the time off to study and you can both swing it financially, then by all means, do what it right for him and your relationship. Someday, you may need to ask for "time off" yourself, and hopefully, your mate will be able to do the same for you.

Take care!

[naturegirl321]

I know it will be difficult. But I'm also hoping for the trade-off, I support him now, then he does the same when we have kids.

[DainaJ]

Our situation is really similar to that of jr1965, and I agree with her post 100%. Now that my husband is studying for his master's and teaching certification, people seem more comfortable with him being a stay-at-home dad. It depends a lot on the culture where you live. Will you have other friends who are working while their husbands study? That would make it easier.

As Gordon pointed out, there is the issue of the division of household labor. We try to split as fairly as we can, but when it comes down to it, I do less than 1/2 of the housework, while my husband does more, plus more errands. It's just a matter of me being chained to the computer for 8-10 hours a day, plus he has the car. This is an issue to bring out into the open, though, because when both of you are very busy (and stressed), it could get contentious. You don't want to work 8+ hours and be responsible for the entire household.

Anyway, good luck with your endeavor. This arrangement has really worked out well for us and our kids. Let us know if you have any other questions.

[Deicide]

Not to be negative but given the high rate of divorce in the West one could seriously be taking a huge chance with this sort of deal; think about all of the money you could potentially be throwing out the window if you were to get a divorce later, with bitter tears being your only return on that investment. I would seriously reconsider going through with this. All human experience is transient and passing and the human relationship (marriage) is pretty much the apex of this transience; my take on this as someone who has seen every marriage around him crumble and fall to dust (and these were the ones that everyone said would last 'forever', thank the gods I am not married myself); rethink spending your hard earned money....

[spiral78]

Interesting that the posts on this question from women are more generally positive, and the posts from men seem to be more generally negative.....

When my spouse went through intensive training/retraining, I happily did 100% of the household chores, and we easily reverted to our normal work-share situation when it was finished.

[Deicide]

[DainaJ]

spiral,

I think that in this thread the people who have *actually been in this situation* are more positive and those judging from second-hand experience are more negative...

[Deicide]

[DainaJ]

Hey, Deicide, life is risk, and everyone has to decide their level of risk in marriage and everything else!

[spiral78]

Good point, DainaJ - I didn't mean to overlook Gordon's thoughtful and positive response.

Deicide, I wouldn't want personally to take the 'worst case scenario' and use it to base my decisions on.

[Deicide]