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[Hod]

We was doing daily exersize. Me and the other lifers walked in circles round that freezing exersize yard. Sticking me hands deep in me over all pockets, I thought and thought of a way out. The other in-mates around me was desperate traped people. No way was me English as bad as what their�s was. Any way, to cut a long one�next day, I was free.

Life out side sucked the big one. I missed the camaraderie of being in side, the sloping out and that weird chumminess when others share your self same sorry plites. Then again, that work detail was inhuman. Someone should complain about it. People would come in from out side and just watch us for their own amusements. Some even made us run around and indulge in such unspeakables that it ashames me even now to talk of it. Well it seems that me performances was not quiet up to the scratch. One of me audience complained, and I was soon up before the guvnor. Apparently, I wasnt very interesting, their was far to much/far to little grammer, and I didnt talk enough. It came as quite a shock.

Back to life out side were their was jobs abounding all over the place. With in a week, I was sat in this office surfing the web. With in a month, some big boss comes in and asks if any one wants to work in Germany? I shout, �Where�s Germany?� He says, �He�ll do.�

And their was I all alone in Berlin with out a friend in the world. I ended up in all sorts of seediness, the likes of which you�d be quiet shocked. A mate suggested I try a real job. �Come with me, young Hod. I will show you inlingua, Berlitz and other such abodes of gainful energy expenditure.� It was amazing. The offer�s came thick n fast. Ten euros an hour, twelve, thirteen, thirteen again, fourteen, fifteen, thirteen again, twelve euro fifty with free training and inlingua bag. I�d made it all right.

Eight months on, I still lay undecided. Quite literally most days. But when I got out of bed that Wednesday afternoon, I made me a cheese and pickle sandwich and a decision. My apartment stinks. I need a cleaner � and fast. One ad later, the calls flooded in. Interviews followed, all formal and business like. Most fell over the first fence. I mean, they couldnt even speak English that good. I was already to throw in me crusty old towel when Lyddyaa called around.
�Yes. Its free. Can you clean?�
�Tak.�
�Even this stinking dump?�
�Nyet!�
�Ten euros an hour?�
�Fiveten.�
We had a deal. Lyddyaa still turns up twice a week with one of her brothers, rearranges the dust and scrapes a few donner�s off me cushions before leaving with 60 euros plus half the contents of me refridgerator.

I might have waffled on, omitted the odd trivial, but the cleaner bit was unabridged - and true. The very cheapest I can get right now is ten euros an hour for a couple of Kazakhstani lepers, but fifteen�s the norm. Also, I was never in some institution waiting my turn for the old Ludivicko, I was in a German TEFL school, where my pay ranged from 14 euros per hour way up to 14.25 euros per hour. That�s less than Lyddyaa! And without the approachable management and perks she gets. I did once manage to get two business-likes to hand over 30 euros an hour, but with Germans having at least nine month�s holiday a year and then five month�s sick leave, my finances remained about as healthy as Germany�s will be in a decade�s time when anyone with a pension, or a job, will be labelled as fascist scum.

My point? Lyddyaa�s just phoned from Warsaw to say hi. My Polish isn�t up to much, but I did catch, �Thanks for the laptop and TV. Go and get stuffed, Mr Hod!� before she hung up. Bit harsh. E-mail with references if you�re interested. EU preferred.