Job Discussion Forums

[james_tesol]

Having lived in Asia for many years i have seen how important the concept of the family is and how elders are treated and respected.Back in the UK i am reminded of the total lack of respect for elders.......

1) War Veterans being mugged and stabbed for a few pounds. DISGUSTING!

2) Children putting their parents into retirement homes! How can children do this? Our parents brought us into this world and the best we can do is stick them in a home to rot? I intend to take care of my mum even if it is on a sh** TESL wage!

Any thoughts??

[Hod]

"Children putting their parents into retirement homes! How can children do this? Our parents brought us into this world and the best we can do is stick them in a home to rot? I intend to take care of my mum even if it is on a sh** TESL wage!"

It�s easy to say that now. If we really cared about our parents� feelings, we wouldn�t spend years and years on the other side of the planet. Can you imagine a survey saying something like:

a) Would you like your little Johnny/Joanne to live 7000 miles away and see them once a year or so?
b) Would you like little Johnny/Joanne to live a little bit nearer to you perhaps?

Fortunately, your parents are still here. Mine too. We've never faced that heartbreaking situation when one parent�s gone, and the other is too frail to live alone. Maybe I will one day. But do you really reckon most Asians nowadays, with so many more becoming career types, would chuck in that job, the Mercedes and all that face crap to stay at home changing nappies on a poor aging parent?

On a practical note, I've got an OK job now. My parents are extremely happy about that. They think I might even get a half-decent pension one day and even support my family in the meantime. But if either of them end up alone and non compos mentis, should I just quit my job, let my family eat beans on toast and forget all about that pitiful pension?

These people in the west who put aged parents in a home, which can�t be cheap by the way, do you really think if there was an alternative, they wouldn�t grab it with both hands? It�s a nasty subject, but most of them are parents too.

[basiltherat]

Personally, a retirement home I think is fine. In fact the one which our (my brother and I) mother is in is fine and she is extremely happy. If she wasn't, then we'd arrange something else for her. For the most part, the people who live there run their own lives. They are NOT 'looked after' in the commonly understood way. Each person has his / her own flat which appears just like any ordinary flat. The only difference is that that there is a resident young lady who is available 24 hours for any resident who needs help; perhaps due to a fall or slip in the bathroom. There are emergency cords in each room for this purpose. There is a residents' common room where social functions are held among the residents and there are many other points i could make.

I certainly do not interpret this as 'leaving one to rot'. I would rather have it this way than having her live alone. Both my brother and I (both working abroad) visit her when we can and frequently hang around for several days at a time.

Perhaps if you have time to look around a good retirement home, yul realize that they are, in fact, perhaps, not what you are led to believe they are.
Alternatively, go to a retirement home and ask the residents themselves about what they think of retirement homes. I have spoken to most of those who live in the same retirement home as my mother and all are sufficiently happy.
My experience.
best
basil

[Ariadne]

Retirement homes look better after you've changed an aging parent's diapers for a few months. Personal care is embarrassing for the adult child providing it and for the previously vital parent receiving it. It just feels wrong to wipe a parent's bottom. I did it for a long time and then could not do it any more. I never want my children to be placed in that situation. Kill me first.

.

[basiltherat]

are we not confusing 'retirement homes' with 'care homes' ?
best
basil

[sidjameson]

I have this vision of my mother coming to live with my wife and I in Asia, Thailand or somewhere. I figure that by the time it comes I will have enough savings to provide my mother with a maid if she needs it. After all Asia is a great area for hiring affordable care.

Buying land, building a house and a granny house for mum, hiring a nurse/care assistant. I rekon most long term TEFLers can do this themselves, but if the parent in question has an asset to sale in the UK then there is no financial obstacle what so ever.

I agree with the OP. I wouldn't want my mum to spend her last years in a home visited once in a while and feeling lonely.

[CJF]

We are not only mugged but RAPED as well.

As a member of the older generation I can attest to the terrible things done by the youth of today to poor defenceless ex-servicemen like myself.

On my way home one evening last month I was set upon by 3 scantily clad young females and not only mugged but raped as well, repeatedly.

This has had a profound effect on me. Admittedly, when they found I only had 30p in my pocket, they had a whip round and gave me 20 quid, but since that terrible day I have suffered repeated flashback nightmares.
Only last night I woke up in a sweat recalling the whole disgusting episode, only to find the cat asleep on my face.

Still, as I have made myself intentionally old I must shoulder the blame and resolve to forgive those who know no better. By the way, I could do with another 20quid if anyone......................

[Cardinal Synn]

Matron (to young nurse): "Nurse Williams, I think old Mr CJF needs his meds increased, but whatever you do don't f**k up and give him Viagra like you did last week. Also, give him some more anti drool serum...and keep that cat away from him."

[johnchina]

I'm not convinced that placing an elderly parent in care means you don't love them. Most pensioners (certainly not all!) in the UK live fairly well.

Working in China, I'm also not convinced that many young Chinese people really love their parents as the average Westerner would interpret it. Many seem to 'love' their parents in the sense that I 'love' having a full wallet. I'm quite happy to believe that may be different in other countries, but here in China, I'm as suspicious of 'love' as I would be if I were a detective investigating the death of an extremely wealthy old man a week after he married his 21 year old wife.

As for the so-called respect for elders that I keep hearing about in China, well, let's just say I've yet to witness it. At least your average UK yobbo has the decency not to lie about his level of respect for his elders.

Besides, I think a lot of the stuff in UK newspapers is scaremongering - there's always a new 'threat'. One day you're too fat. The next you're too thin. Then you drink too much. Then you drink too little. Before you start, I'm not denying there are problems - I'm just saying they are frequently exaggerated.

[TEFL anonymous]

My grandfather has just gone into a retirement flat similar to those mentioned above and he's having a great time - more social things on hand and always people around, including a warden 24/7. I haven't seen him this happy and active for many years. He lives 500 miles from both of his children (his choice to move away many years ago, I might add - it's not just the youngsters moving away you know!) and although one offered to have him at hers and the other offered to get him a flat near to her, he preferred to be with people of his age and feel more independent.

However, I described the residential home to some of my Thai students and they were horrified and kept apologising to me. They thought my mum had put him into a prison for old people! The concept is completely alien to them! And although I have seen many homes that are a disgrace to the caring profession, I think that these self contained flats are a really good way to balance safety/help/independence for some people.

But I'm still not sure that my mum would like me to move back to England and care for her in her old age though - it's an independence thing... And some people (though not for much longer) are/were lucky enough to get pensions from a welfare state government. It's such a different situation in Asia. The only provisons for the elderly are the family...

What happens if a person has no family? I understand that the community helps them out - what an incentive for being a good neighbour!