Job Discussion Forums

[gaijinalways]

Recently, I find my wife is more difficult to deal with. Last night we had this conversation.

Me ...oh, and my student saw my Doraemon tie, and noticed I wore my other one last week. I told her it's not my favorite animation figure (Dragon Ball Z is, but they don't print it on ties), but I like Doraemon.

Wife If you don't like it, just throw it out!!! And while you're at it, why don't you throw out all the other ties I gave you if they are not your cup of tea.

Me 'But not my favorite' and 'not my cup of tea' have different meanings. Look, I don't know why you are getting angry, but I'm happy to wear it, etc...


Wife Just wear T-shirts then, don't wear ties (while stomping about with an angry face)!

Me (thinking, damn, that would be good , nah, my employer wouldn't like it ) Look, I don't want to argue, I'm sorry you are upset....

Anyway, went for a walk for about 20 minutes or so, came back, my wife started rehashing old events and how I am so insufferably blunt, a bad ass, etc.. and on and on

Hence a mere 5 hours or so later, back up and at it, teaching that is (on my longest traveling day, of course) .

Do you find your Japanese girlfriend/spouse reasonable? Do you often have these cross-cultural arguements? Do you like being called a badass (actually, my wife once called me a ronin, and I thought damn, I'm invincible)?

What would you suggest to do in these situations?

[Nismo]

How is this a "cross-cultural argument"? It sounds more like a domestic issue.

A ronin isn't invincible. A ronin is one of two things: A master-less Samurai (i.e. unemployed) in the traditional sense, or a student who failed to get into college but is now studying to try and take entrance exams again next round in the modern sense. I don't know which one she meant, but either way it wasn't necessarily a compliment...

I think you two just need to talk things out, or see a counselor. One thing I would recommend avoiding is venting your frustration on an ESL forum.

And, for the record: Yes, I'm married. No, she's not Japanese, she's Korean. No, we don't have any issues like what you mentioned above, and we only communicate in Japanese with each other because we both speak it well.

[Quibby84]

How long have you been married?

[Chris21]

get a divorce

[kdynamic]

OP, are you sure the example you gave wasn't a linguistic miscommunication? What language do you speak with one another? If the above conversation took place in Japanese, can you tell us what was actually said?

And it sounds like this problem has nothing to do with her being Japanese and everything to do with her being a woman. As a woman, I can tell you that if your girl is getting upset "over nothing" it probably means she is actually upset about something else (that's an actual reason to be upset) but she doesn't want to tell you what the real problem is or she is upset because you haven't figured out what the problem is on your own. If she is freaking out over a doraemon tie, I would bet good money that there is more to the story here.

She called you a ronin and said you should stop wearing ties? Seems like your wife thinks you're a bum.

[JimDunlop2]

I agree with Nismo. Doesn't really sound cross-cultural... Even among native-speakers "not my favorite" could EASILY be a way to politely indicate your dislike for something... I use that all the time when I want to carefully indicate that I don't care for something. Then for you to say that you're happy to wear it just sounds like a cheap cover-up and an attempt to placate her.

I'm not saying she's right and you're wrong, but I can certainly see how the misunderstanding happened.

For what it's worth... Anything (any gift) your wife (or child, for that matter) gives you should automatically become your new favorite -- whether it actually is or not being irrelevant at that point... At least if you know what's good for ya...

[Yawarakaijin]

I do agree with Jim Everything your wife or girlfriend gives you is YOUR FAVOURITE.

In regards to a cultural misunderstanding... In regards to gifts they have receieved, I can't imagine Japanese doing anything other than lavishly praising the gift or not bringing it up in conversation at all.

Maybe simply saying that something is not quite your favourite is a social faux pas here. I really don't know.

[Sage]

You should have tested all of these things out before getting married. Let her know that just because she gets you something you don't automatically have to say its your favorite.

As my girlfriend and I understand: Its the heart behind the present - not the present - that counts. I have told her I didn't like something she gotten me before. We sometimes joke about the bad presents we got each other.

Of course, it also matters how you say it. heh.

[Mothy]

In the case of my Japanese wife if the argument is based off of something cultural or on language, once the misunderstanding is explained all is forgiven. Of course, since everyone is different, that my wife does that doesn't necessarily make it true that yours will even though they are of the same nationality. Still, that she isn't letting it go makes me agree with some others who have said that there is most likely something more to it. Good luck finding out what it is though.
I probably haven't been married long enough to give out marriage advice, but seems to me that all marriages go through rough patches, and if you just ride out the storm there'll be better times ahead. So just try to make it up to her in any way you can (even if it's not your fault) and keep moving on.

[azarashi sushi]

Ditto everyone else. How is this cross-cultural?

Just tell her you like the friggin' tie and shut up.

[gaijin4life]

[japanman]

Just speak in Japanese is my advice. Then a chat about "watashi no ocha no kappu ja nai" would be absurd.

[Nagoyaguy]

OP;

Perhaps the timing of the situation is the problem.

It sounds like the kind of discussion that would happen "when the painters are in town", if you get my meaning


As another veteran of the marriage wars (15 years for me), I cant remember the last time my wife and I had a disagreement caused by culture or language. Most are caused by gender. IMHO, the huge gulf that separates male and female is far more important than anything that can be caused by culture or language.

[gaijinalways]

A ronin isn't invincible.

Ah, another cross-cultural joke misfired, as a ronin also has the meaning of a loner. My wife uses in this context, where I see it as a strong willed person.

[markle]

I have an ex-wife that used to pull this cr ap on me.

Solution: get better at communicating to the other person (put aside all the gender, social, cross-cultural BS)

Next time round (as someone suggested) make sure this kind of situation occurs before you get married.