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pak · Joined: 07 Dec 2004 Posts: 5 Location: Ankara, Turkey

I've been lurking here on the Turkey forum for a while but have not posted before. I am from the USA and am in Turkey for the 2007-08 school year on a teacher exchange program.

Perhaps some of you who have been in Turkey longer can help me with something. My question is about when Turkish people issue invitations but don't suggest a specific date/time. I've had quite a few "invites" that go something like this:

Turkish person: "We should go out for a drink sometime!" or "I would love to have you over to my house for dinner."

Me: "That would be nice." or "I would like that very much." etc.

But then the Turkish person never suggests a date or time. And we never go anywhere.

In the USA, it's normally up to the person who issues the invitation to suggest a date/time. If they don't, then the invitee assumes that the inviter really doesn't mean it. I admit that Americans can sometimes be insincere and say things they don't really mean.

But here in Turkey, in the land of hospitality, I am confused about these invitations. Is it up to me to suggest a time and date? As an American, it doesn't seem right to me; in my mind the suggestion should come from the inviter. But perhaps it is a cultural difference. Or perhaps the Turkish people don't really mean it either.

So, I would appreciate if someone can clarify this for me. When someone issues one of these invitations, should I then suggest a date and time? Is it too late now, weeks or even months after the Turkish people first asked me?

Thank you for your help!

pak

mongrelcat · Joined: 12 Mar 2004 Posts: 232

how is this different than in the US?

people say "let's get together for a drink sometime" all the time. and then nothing happens. maybe the Turks are just issuing a vague invitation for "sometime."

scot47 · Joined: 10 Jan 2003 Posts: 15343

In Britain it is even clearer. When a middle-class Brit says "You must come around to our place some time", he/she means, "Don't dare come near my place unless I specifically invite you, which I have no intention of ever doing."

Proles in Britain never invite anyone to their place.

Gregorio · Joined: 17 Aug 2004 Posts: 105

In my opinion, I think people propose vague social invitations in any big city around the world where anonymity acts as a shield against sincerity.

benji1976 · Joined: 26 Sep 2007 Posts: 6

Here this is quite common. Another thing: when they say "let's meet", they don't set time or place. They just set the date and when this date comes, they call each other and then say "we talk". Many times going out with my husband and his friends, I heard him saying this on our way to go somewhere. We were dressed but without knowing the place where we would meet his friends because hey simply say "we talk". Ahhhhh!!!!

tarte tatin · Joined: 02 Mar 2007 Posts: 247 Location: Istanbul

It could be insincerity on their part, however, you should be aware that the rules of hospitality here and all over the east are very different from those in our own culture.

Basically in our culture the host is king whereas in Turkey the guest is king. The guest does indeed usually decide the time of the meeting (often at the drop of a hat which is very stressful if you are the host and about five people announce their imminent arrival!).

Turkish people usually very much please themselves in other people's houses, peering in the fridge, taking off their socks and dropping them on the floor and smoking even when they have been expressly asked not to! Of course this varies slightly across the social classes but in general Turks are brilliant hosts and not such brilliant guests from our perspective.

If you do decide to invite yourself make sure you have plenty of time as you may not be permitted to leave when you wish. Turkish hospitality dictates that your hosts will forcefully press you to stay longer. You can decide when you arrive but deciding when you leave may be more difficult!