Job Discussion Forums

[silvertonguedcavalier]

Just out of curiosity...

How many of you have been in or are in a long-term relationship with someone who has different cultural values than you?

How did the relationship start? Did it catch you by surprise? (I have a feeling that those who are/have been happiest in their relationships will answer "yes" to this). Or was trying to find love in a foreign land one of your primary motivations for living/travelling abroad?

What unexpected obstacles did the cultural gap between you bring, or still brings? How did/do you deal with them?

What concerns did/do you have? Which ones have proven to be valid, and which have proven to be invalid?

Just in case anyone is thinking it, I'm not some naive, arrogant jerk who thinks that by virtue of being a foreigner, I'll be able to sow my oats at will in another country, (I can sow my oats at will for other reasons, namely the charm that earned me the nickname I use as my username) I'm just curious about male-female relations in other countries, and how people deal with expectations and values that are unusual to them.

[naturegirl321]

I did. After watching my parents- lovely marriage, I had no desire for marriage or a relationship, had planned on adopting. I was in China, had been accepted to do a PGDE in OZ and was going to spend a year in Peru teachinng at a uni. I was 22, met a guy, and told him that I was due in Australia in a bit and wanted to know if he thought I should stay in Peru. He said yes, after 10 weeks of dating, we got engaged, and got married a year and two weeks to the day after we started going out.

We-ll be married three years in Feb. It-s hard, yes. Physically and language wise, I look Peruvian, so he says he forgets sometimes that I-m not. I guess he-s gotten used to my accent. However, emotionally, we-re different, I-m very direct. We fight over dumb stuff, but doesn-t everyone? The lastest has been my name change battle if I decide to get citizenship.

Another thing, I-m not too happy in Peru, mainly because we live in Lima. But on the other hand, everyone says we-re lucky. No debts, no mortage, a flat and a jeep, But still, sparse furniture and long hours, uneducated people, and crappy organisation get to you.

I deal with things like a girl, I break down and cry, or go cry to a friend, then you get over it. What choice do I have? I left the US when I was 19 and don-t think I can go back now.

About concerns, I think the education is crap. The public education is no good, the private id just as bad, you pay a lot of money, think about 1K USD a month, and because of that, they give out good grades like candy. connections mean everything. So I don-t know if I want to have kids in a country where bribing the police, going through red lights, and being whistled and hollered at is the norm.

I actually fought a bit with myself about dating, like I said, I never wanted it, was planning on adopting Romanian kids, my mom-s from there. But you know what they say, things never turn out the way that you think they will, they always turn out better.

[jpvanderwerf2001]

How many of you have been in or are in a long-term relationship with someone who has different cultural values than you?

I am one such person, I'm American and my wife is Russian.

How did the relationship start?

She was my student (I'm a sly dog ).

Did it catch you by surprise? (I have a feeling that those who are/have been happiest in their relationships will answer "yes" to this).

It did catch me by surprise. Once I had gotten my feet wet teaching I had made it a (occasionally flexible) rule not to date my students.

Or was trying to find love in a foreign land one of your primary motivations for living/travelling abroad?

Not at all. In fact, I was patently not looking for a relationship at the time I met her.

What unexpected obstacles did the cultural gap between you bring, or still brings?

There is quite a large gulf between the mentality of most Russians and Americans. However, I knew the culture quite well before we started the relationship, so it wasn't such a problem in my case. I do know scores of relationships where these gaps were to big to overcome, though.

How did/do you deal with them?

I've learned to chalk it up as "agree to disagree" when these arise. Trying to mold a person into your worldview is a ridiculous notion, IMO.

What concerns did/do you have?

As I stated before, I wasn't going into it "culturally blind" (for lack of a better term), so I didn't have any major concerns.

Which ones have proven to be valid, and which have proven to be invalid?

The idea of money (to save or to spend) can be a bit of a problem, though I'm not sure how much of that is cultural and how much is just personal.

[Glenski]

Unless you are doing some doctoral research, I really don't see the point in asking about cultural differences in general. Too many to count.

After reading a book on intercultural marriages, I saw that the most common problem was a simple lack of communication. That could be before, during, or after the wedding, but it overshadowed everything.

Answer: talk. Talk a lot! Find out as much as you can before you get into something that turns sour.

And, no, my own relationship is not sour. Happily married and a father in an intercultural relationship, but unwilling to spill my guts about the details, especially in an open forum.

[nickpellatt]

I had a cross cultural relationship for the last 14 months I was in China.

The long and short of it, is that whilst there are difficulties due to cultural differences, and this can be as simple as no shared knowledge with music and movies....this offers one great advantage.

It means you have to share the moment a lot more. I have taken that for granted in relationships before, and relied too much on shared history/knowledge etc. Cant do that so much across cultures, so its actually an advantage IMO.

As silver tongued as you may be....it is easier to find women at home (rather than in China). They find you out here....when at home you its easier to find your own

[Madame J]

[denise]

Other than when I was in Peru, I've ended up dating fellow westerners--European, Aussie, American. I was engaged to a Peruvian and there were just all sorts of problems of the sort that would have made me unendingly miserable. Can I attribute all of the problems to cultural differences? I think it would be unfair to do so.

Maybe I seek out like-minded people because living abroad presents constant cultural differences in the way I interact with my students and colleagues, how and where I can go out at night, how I can dress and who I can talk to, what potential role I would have as a woman in a relationship, etc., etc. When I'm dating someone I want to be able to relax and be myself. I got the impression that my ex-fiance thought that some of my traits (which may or may not be "American") were in some way cute or quaint and that he could change the ones that he didn't like, and hoooo boy, that attitude pissed me off.

d

[jillford64]

Madame J says:

[Lhenderson]

I am in EFL for two reasons.

First, I'm from an economically depressed region of Canada.

Secondly, I efl has presented me with lots of love, particually when my salary goes up and I can sign reports to help students go abroad.

I love it!

Pm me for details.

[ntropy]

Lhenderson and jeacoefl:

What you describe is not love. It is economic exploitation. It is also repulsive to me personally.

[Madame J]

[Justin Trullinger]

I think one thing that makes it interesting for me is that while my partner and I are not from the same culture, we're both foreign here.

Ecuadorian friends can't believe us when we talk about cultural differences, as we're both white and English speaking.

Nonetheless, cultural differences abound. And like Glenski, I find that miscommunication is the root of most of them. It sortof happens like this- when you're from the same place, you have a lot of shared assumptions in common. You don't discuss these, because you both assume the other is thinking like you, and you're often enough right.

But when you come from different places, you assume your partner is thinking like you...and it sometimes blows up in your face.


That said, it's a lot of fun- and for those of you who are truly interested in learning about other cultures...there's no better way. I certainly feel like I've learned a lot about the culture I've been sharing a bedroom with for the better part of a decade.

An aside on economic exploitation: I'm not especially interested in anyone else's opinion about my relationship. So I'll refrain from judging Jeacoefl, Lhenderson, or others. Presuming that all involved are consenting adults... maybe it sounds sad to me. Maybe it sounds exploitative to some. In any case, I'm not sure it's my business. But let's be honest- some people use money to attract "love." Some people use "love" to attract money. Some people use other things, better or worse, in the pursuit of love or money.

It's culturally interesting to me that several on this board were quick to see it as economic exploitation. I can see why- several posters were pretty upfront about using money to attract dates. Maybe from another side, though, it could be seen as "attractiveness exploitation." Some locals, who are apparently rich enough in attractiveness, seem to be using it to get money from the (presumed homely for the purposes of this example) foreigners. It's only the national difference that makes us see these locals as victims. How would you feel about somebody from the US who uses his or her attractiveness to get financial benefit from less attractive, socially awkward, but richer, individuals?

From either point of view, maybe it isn't right. But...I know of some concrete examples where it's worked out well for both parties.

In any relationship, you start where you start- maybe it was looks, money, charm, family connections, visa advantages, promiscuity, or I don't know what that first attracted you to someone. Whatever it was, if, once you're in a relationship, you both want it to work, and work to make it work, it might work.

So good luck with it,

Justin

[wfh]