Job Discussion Forums

[Yorrick85]

Hi Guys,

I have a question about boyfriends and Japanese culture. I have been offered a position as an Assistant English Teacher in Japan and I assumed there would be no problem with taking my boyfriend of two years along for the ride.

However a contact I have who currently lives in Japan has told me that boyfriends are a big no no in Japanese culture. She warned that if I brought him along we wouldn't be invited to participate in social activities with Japanese teachers like other single AET's and I would not be looked on highly by the program administrators because of him. I was just wondering if this has been the experience of other people living in Japan and working as part of a similar program and if so, what exactly is the problem with the boyfriend /girlfriend scenario?

My contact also said that my monthly salary of 380,000Y would not be enough for the two of us to live on. If this is the case, how likely is it that he would be able to get a teaching job in Japan with a Bachelor of Arts and Education that is two semesters away from completion?

Any advice you can give me would be MUCH appreciated!!

Cheers

[Apsara]

Don't worry about what your contact says, of course boyfriends aren't a big no-no in Japanese culture- arranged marriages are pretty rare these days! It's still pretty unusual for unmarried couples to live together, but this is gradually changing. Generally in Japan people don't bring their significant other along to work social functions nearly as much as they do in Australia or New Zealand, if at all, maybe this is what your contact was getting at?

I would say the Japanese teachers would be quite interested to meet your boyfriend, but you probably won't see theirs- people tend to keep their private and work lives a lot more separate in Japan than we do, but you won't be looked down on for having a boyfriend, it's considered perfectly normal!

Is accommodation provided by your programme? If so, are you able to live with your boyfriend in that accommodation? Sometimes they only have things arranged for single people, but this isn't because "boyfriends are a no-no".

Are you coming on JET by any chance? If you are you will no doubt have been told "every situation is different", but a Kiwi friend of mine came over to do JET and lived with her boyfriend for the year she was here.

If your accommodation isn't included then that isn't an issue.

Two can live on �380,000, but you might not save much money- depends on a lot of factors. Your boyfriend could get bored if he is not working at all though, plus he can't stay more than 90 days on a tourist visa.

If your boyfriend is under 30 and an Australian citizen he can come to Japan on a working holiday visa and find teaching work, even without a completed degree, just like many thousands of Aussies have done before him- have you looked into the working holiday visa at all? If you are in a very rural area it may be trickier for him to find work.

[Speed]

It's not the fact that you have a boyfriend that's the problem as far as social functions are concerned. It's that when they invite YOU, it's usually just you that they would like to attend their gatherings.

Your boyfriend isn't a part of their "circle/group" and equates to bringing an outsider into the group's event. Most Japanese refrain from doing this.

Some Japanese may be more tolerant of this than others, but like your friend said, some may not welcome this.

[Apsara]

I think what you might find is that your contact was telling you a) as above, people often don't bring their partners to work events, and b), the programme you are coming over with is not set up for a boyfriend to just "tag along"- you are better to discuss this with your employers/programme coordinators. You can probably be accommodated, but it's not something you want to just spring on them at the last minute.

[Glenski]

[Hoser]

[Apsara]

Except that many landlords won't rent 1Ks to more than one person. And �40,000 for food for two people assumes not eating out very much at all. And there are utilities, cellphone charges etc. But it is certainly a very good salary for an AET.

[Smooth Operator]

Are you sure your 'contact' doesn't have an agenda in stopping you coming to Japan!? Such poor 'advice' would seem to indicate so...

[Yorrick85]

Thanks so much for the advice guys! Im really glad I trusted my gut and got a second opinion. I'm also glad that my boyfriend won't have to spent our adventure years in Japan hiding in a closet.

I guess I will have to tread the fine line between respecting the people I'm with by not bringing an "outsider" and not leaving my boyfriend home alone twiddling his thumbs. (Home will be a 2 bedroom apartment that we pay 40, 000Y to 70, 000Y for, depending on where we get assigned. I dont think it is this aspect of the program that would make bringing my boyfriend problematic???)

The advice about the Holiday visa was also very much appreciated. I will start researching that immediately.

I think the moral of the story is you have to be really careful who you get your information from. Let that be a lesson to all the newbies out there!

[BradS]

You can live on that salary EASILY. Depends how much your rent is of course.

No offense, but your friend has no idea what he/she's talking about! I've been here for 5 years and been to numerous social events and NEVER seen anyone shunned because they're seeing someone. That's just wierd.

Perhaps you're a guy (maybe?) and concerned about presenting yourself as gay to your coworkers. Again no problem. I've introduced my boyfriends to coworkers and have never had a problem.

Either way you've got nothing to worry about.

As for bringing him to events where he wasn't invited.... umm... I think the host actually EXPECTS you to bring your partner. If you didn't you'd probably be asked why he didn't come.

[gaijinalways]

The amount you can live on will vary depending on where you are assigned and your lifestyle. I have seen people live on 400k a month and save nothing (but had a great time in the process), whereas others spend about 100k per month and were miserable (but saved a bundle). Depends on your plans.

Note; of course I'm talking in yen here.


Also, I have to wonder, why doesn't your boyfriend just finish his degree and then join you in Japan?

[Yorrick85]

Thanks again for the information guys!

I think perhaps my contact had a bad experience introducing her Japanese boyfriend to the administrators of the program I will be part of. I don't know any of the details though so perhaps she went about it in an unorthodox way?? The apartments we are provided with have two bedrooms (more than big enough for the two of us) and nothing in the selection criteria said I HAD to be single so if boyfriends are fine in Japanese culture I dont see how bringing him along could cause any problems....

I think our plan of action will be for him to come out at christmas armed with a working holiday visa and look for a teaching job. He will hopefully be able to finish his last couple of subjects externally over the next year and then apply for a working visa. Is anyone out there studing externally from an Australian University in Japan? Has anyone run into any major dramas doing this?

Thanks again for any advice you can give!!

P.S. Thanks Brad but I was asking specifically about boyfriend / girlfriend relationships. It is very cool to know that homosexual couples are accepted though. Way to go Japan!

[saloc]

[Apsara]

I agree with saloc. If your partner isn't specifically included in an invitation to a work event or relatively formal occasion like a wedding, or even the wedding party, you can't assume that it's ok to just turn up with them. Far better to confirm.

[Brooks]

in my case I don't bring my wife along if it is a enkai with school teachers.
However, when the dinner is over, and when some people go to the nijikai, then my wife is welcome to join, because at that point, it is not official.