Job Discussion Forums

[Looking for my place]

To those of you who have been living abroad for several years...
do you ever feel guilty for being away from family and life-long friends for so long???? Best friends children who don't know you, losing the last few years with a grandparent? The fact that I am mid 30s, single and "losing all roots." I have an international soul but often the internal and projected guilt I am sent leave me in utter conflict.

[spiral78]

My parents (in their mid 80s) expected me to feel guilty - and to return to live near them.

However, I'm kind of lucky - my parents are missionaries, and they openly admit that they always put church before family. This was torture when I was growing up and was forced to spend so much time at church (in addition to school), but now....I'm kind of glad they didn't put my brother and me first in their lives.

The small southern US town where they've lived the last 20 years has a strong church family, and I can really count on those good folks to be there for my parents in case of any immediate need - and, thanks to easy travel, I can be with them within a day if need be.

So, no, I don't feel guilty that I'm not close by. And after 12 years away, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to develop any guilt complexes in future.

[Guy Courchesne]

I've been fortunate enough in my 8 years in Mexico to not have been faced with the loss of a family member back home while here. But, far from guilt, living abroad has been a blessing, as family back home have had a reason to travel more, coming to visit me. I go back home about once a year.

In many ways, only seeing family once a year makes for better relations. I've never been a huge family kind of guy.

My significant other has parents that have the travel bug, so for them, it's also a good thing to have their daughter living abroad.

[jonniboy]

In some ways the opposite - I've been irked that when it comes to keeping in contact, it's always me who seems to be doing the running. For example in the case of my friends in London I'm the one that has to visit them, they'll rarely if ever come to visit me, although they'll continue to do the e-mail thing it's not the same as face to face meetings. Still I've made many new friends when travelling so it's been swings and roundabouts.

[Glenski]

Do I feel guilty? Heck no.

Does my mother try to make me feel that way? Yup, from day one, ten years ago.

It's my life, and I'm doing just fine.

Have I lost touch with friends and family during that time. Of course. Part of the reason is my infrequent visits back home. Out of sight, out of mind. I'm not completely out of touch with them, though, as I send out a monthly newsletter to about 50 people.

[naturegirl321]

I get frustrated with keeping in touch back home with friends. YOu just live in different worlds. Most of my friends could name Grammy winners or who's who in the newest People mag. I'm more concerned with things that effect me, like ugh, new immigration rules, or earthquakes.

Luckily my family doesn't make me feel guilty. But I have missed a lot. I left for uni at age 17, I'm the oldest of 4 kids, so my baby sister was only 9. Never really went home after that. I regret it. But no one makes me feel guilty. DUring uni, I went abroad to work and study, so I left the US at age 19, went back for three months to do an internship and graduate and left at age 20 with my BA still hot off the presses.

I guess since I left when I graduated HS to go to uni, my family just accept it that I'm not there. But it makes it hard to have a converstaion with my siblings, we've just lost touch. And I wasn't there when they were growing up.

[Marcoregano]

I've been in Asia for eleven years now and would be a liar if I said I never felt any guilt, being so distant from my ageing parents. However, I go back and see them every summer (haven't missed a year yet) - and also see my closest friends when I'm there.

I remind my mum constantly that with this system I actually see more of them than I did when I lived in the UK. Before leaving for Asia, even though I only lived a couple of hours' drive away, we only saw each other for a few days each year, whereas now I spend a couple of weeks with them each summer - usually at the family home and at a holiday cottage somewhere.

Admittedly, keeping in touch with friends is especially difficult and I have lost touch with some. C'est la vie.

[rusmeister]

[ESL Hobo]

No, I never feel guilty, they have their lives I have mine. Most of my family are dead. I have one brother left who spent his whole life in one place and he loves it. His house is like a family museum, he's like, living in the past.

I could never do that. I detest being tied down by possessions and living in the past. I enjoy living in the moment and looking forward to the future, although, at times nostalgia is comforting.

I would ask the question, "Shouldn't your family feel guilty for not being world travelers?" for not being like you are.

I have found that most people I know back home were wishing they were in my shoes, wondering which country I would go to next and what adventures would present themselves.

I say, Be who you are and dont feel guilty about it.

[denise]

My parents have said that they would like me to come home (and my mom apparently cried quite a bit when I told her I was taking a job in Oman), but they don't pressure me. They know that I like my job, and they know what the job market is like in the US.

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[Mike_2007]

My mum loves the fact that I live abroad. Despite being over seventy she's pretty energetic and there's nothing she loves more than jumping on a plane to come and visit me wherever I am. She even starts learning some of the local language, loves sampling new culinary dishes and visiting the sites. She was in a pretty dull and restrictive marriage most of her life so in the last decade she's really opened up her horizons. My being abroad gives her the perfect excuse to travel as it's hard for her to find travelling companions. Definitely we get on a lot better and have become closer.

[kaw]

Like Mike, my mum loves the fact I'm abroad as it means she gets to holiday in places she wouldn't have thought of going before. The minute I got my job here in Libya both mum and dad had their suitcases pretty much packed and they can't wait to come over.
As for friends..........email and other such things make things slightly eassier but sometimes I feel I'm missing out. I feel slightly guilty about not being able to attend friends weddings, see their kids etc but such is life.
I can't imagaine being back in the UK and spending my day discussing 'Eastenders' , the price of cadburys cream eggs or how the shops start selling Xmas stuff in the middle of summer

[Teacher in Rome]

I think it's inevitable that you lose contact or closeness with people back home once you stop sharing in the minutiae of life. It always seems strange to go back and listen to what people are concerned about (i.e. Eastenders as someone else has said), but people would probably find my concerns as meaningless.

[thelmadatter]

My only guilt trip has to do with my son. Of course when I think about it logically... he's 20 years old and despite my efforts NOT to be like my mom, I tend to be overprotective so some distance is probably a good idea... I realize Im not a horrible person. Dang those mommy instinct tho!

[gaijinalways]

Keeping ties back home is difficult, especially if your friends rarely travel and can't understand why you might take several trips in a year (yes, my wife loves traveling, I am a professional porter). But I have seen a lot of other places, so it isn't all bad.

Besides, when I'm old, do I want to talk just about living in one place? Personally no, but to each his or her own.