Job Discussion Forums

nomadder · Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2004 11:24 pm Post subject: Settle Down or Saddle Up?

We've all heard it said that we "have to settle down one day." Do we? Why?

BethMac · Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 79

Nope, we don't. It's a matter of personal choice. Most people eventually opt to put down roots somewhere, even if it's only for a little while. Others prefer to move around, never staying in one place too long. (Now I've got the "Littlest Hobo" theme song in my head...lol)

I don't like the word "settle". It seems to connotate that we are settling for less in life than what we could have had if we had kept on searching for that perfect something or someone. "Settling down" seems to connotate that we are giving up on the active lifestyle of our youth and slowly easing our way into old age, like the Titanic into the ocean. (Someone take the remote from me, please.)

Life is for the living. Do whatever makes you happy and don't have regrets. At least, that's what I'm hoping to do. Smile

Gordon · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 5309 Location: Japan

I think settling can also mean being content. If you're always searching for something better, than you can never be happy or happy with what you have.

shmooj · Joined: 11 Sep 2003 Posts: 1758 Location: Seoul, ROK

I hate that term as it implies that you are a non-productive member of society unless you have settled. Kind of like you are wasting your time and that settling down is a) inevitable and b) a sign of maturity

What a load of baloney. You're far more likely to become a less creative member of society if you "settle down" than if you don't IMO.

Roger · Joined: 19 Jan 2003 Posts: 9138

I came to China, thinking I would stay "saddled" as there was no prospect of me being employed permanently; this hasn't changed in nine years, but I actually have settled down here; every year or other year I do some job hunting - that's the adventurous side of it.
The other side is: some of my students come to pick me up and drive me to a posh eatery in their BMW's!
True - has just happened today! And the lady said she now owns four cars!
I haven't even bought a bicycle yet!

naturegirl321 · Joined: 04 May 2003 Posts: 9041 Location: home sweet home

I don't want to settle down in the traditional sense. Car payments, house payments, mortgages, stuff like that doesn't appeal to me.
I want to travel, but stay in a country long enough to learn the language, and culture.

shmooj · Joined: 11 Sep 2003 Posts: 1758 Location: Seoul, ROK

Naturgirl:

a trick-->get a mortgage then get someone else to pay it. AFter a while you have a house someone else paid for which you have the profit from.

That way you can travel some more or take that low paid EFL job because you have always wanted to teach in Laos and now you have supplementary income.

THings you mention don't have to force you to settle down or be negative in any way.

Laura C · Joined: 14 Oct 2003 Posts: 211 Location: Saitama

Thank you nomadder!

I have heard so many times from people, mostly those I've just met who are asking what I 'do', that 'oh, some day you'll settle down'. I will never say never, but I haven't found anywhere I want to settle yet...

I'm also sick of the 'you'll settle down and have kids one day' line. And if I hear another comment about my 'biological clock', I'm going to scream!

I think these people are just jealous of our free spirits... Very Happy

My boyfriend doesn't seem to get the same hassle about how he must love kids really, and how some day he'll realise that and 'settle down'. I hope not, you won't see me for dust... Wink

I do feel bad for my poor parents though, endlessly waiting for me to stop faffing about and settle into a 'real' job...Why do parents do that (mine are quite cool but my boyfriend's nag him all the time about this). If I had a kid I'd be delighted that they didn't want to have a mortgage and 2.4 kids in their home town!

Totally agree with Gordon that settling can be about being content. I will consider myself settled if I spend a few years in a place and am happy, even if I do move on.

L

Wolf · Joined: 10 May 2003 Posts: 1245 Location: Middle Earth

Mortages. Heh. And car payments. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.

I don't think I have to settle. I know a lot of people who have led mobile lives (not all in EFL,) and they seemed happy to me.

I'm pressured to settle by family as well. Which is bloody ironic, given my family's history.

I'm happier the way I live now than I would be if I did "settle down."

Gordon · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 5309 Location: Japan

For the single people out there, whose parents are pressuring you to come back and settle down, it gets worse once you get married and have kids. Our parents are always asking when we're coming back and how much they miss their grandchild. Mad

They don't miss us, it's her.

struelle · Joined: 16 May 2003 Posts: 2372 Location: Shanghai

nomadder · Posted: Sat Jan 10, 2004 1:37 pm Post subject:

I can relate to what's been said-especially by Laura.
Somehow it's stressful to parents to think our life is in flux. As if settled people don't have their own share of problems.

It's the way people say it with a self defeating sort of tone that is such a turn off.

I remember mentioning some of my travel/work abroad experiences to some 'married with children' women and they had a wistful look, said to go out there and enjoy the experiences. They wished they could do it. Says it all.

Is the biological urge so strong or is it more society's wishes. I've read about women adventurers of the past and it was only by luck twist of fate than many were able to go off into the world instead of staying home to have a family. Nowadays we have the choice but still many make the choice that will "tie them down." Is it fear, romanticized notions, lack of role models?

nomadder · Posted: Sat Jan 10, 2004 1:40 pm Post subject:

I made a title improvement. The extra words say it all.

foster · Joined: 07 Feb 2003 Posts: 485 Location: Honkers, SARS

Settling has bad connotations for me. I always think of settling as in settling for less than what I should have. I am happy with my life now and my job and my travels. I have savings, I have experience and I have great friends all over.

yes, my mother would LOVE grandkids. She is none too subtle about asking. My biological clock has been put on permanent snooze mode.

I do tire of the "When are you coming back and getting a real job" question. I now have a 'real job' and even as a Nova slag, it was a 'job' (I don't know how real I would call it)

I have commitments in Hong Kong that are more of a tie than what I have in Canada. I have friends and family there but no career anymore....or least not a waiting job. It would be more hassle to get re-established there in the education system again.

IN all honesty, I feel more *settled* in Hong Kong than I have any other place in a long long long time.

Laura C · Joined: 14 Oct 2003 Posts: 211 Location: Saitama

Nomadder, you are so right to talk of others' wistfulness. I always do get asked the 'when are you going to settle down' question, but it's usually after the person I'm talking with, usually someone of my parents' generation, has had that wistful look in their eyes as I'm tallking of my travelling. Some don't like to admit it out of loyalty to their partners and kids -- maybe that's why they then ask the settling down question. Or maybe they unconsciously think everyone should settle down because they had to.

I went home over Xmas and me and my mum got a bit tipsy and talked about loads of stuff. I thought that, even though I know they'd prefer me to be 'settled' (even if just to avoid what they see as safety issues for a woman travelling), they were happy that I was being free and not tied down. But my mum said that actually my dad is impatient to know when I will get a job that he sees is worthy of my abilities (my mum's words).

Anyway, I said to Mum that I didn't understand this, cos all my friends from school were mums by 17 or 18, and they still live in the same area, which is grim by anyone's standards (I read a few years ago that unemployment on one of the estates was 90 per cent) -- and I would've thought that my dad would be really happy I wasn't stuck here like that. My mum said she actually thinks it's great, as she got married at 18 and told me all through my childhood not to marry young, to see the world first. And she said that when she talks about me to her friends at work, they all say 'That's great, fair play to her'. I mean, how does 'Laura has taken six months off to go and live in France and write' NOT sound great?!

I think a lot of people of that generation are in fact very wistful at the opportunities we young'uns have now. Mind you, a lot of my friends at home have mortgages, cars, credit cards and jobs they hate, and I just don't understand it. Why stay in your home country when there is a great and interesting world out there?

Rambling post, sorry, but the topic hazs been on my mind lately...

Remember people -- we are not drifters but free! Wink