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[mnguy29]

I am teaching young adults who are beginner level English. I have two classes a week of oral English and two of grammar. The grammar book is dull and boring to say the least. Terrible! They have had so much grammar during school years. I also have to come up with appropriate level topics for oral English which is very difficult with this level. I have almost run out of ideas for these classes and I would really appreciate any ideas please. Thanks!

[7969]

grammar - get a copy of English Grammar in Use, by Raymond Murphy. great book and you can either buy it (amazon would be your best bet) or download it as a torrent for free and then print off what you need.

[The Great Wall of Whiner]

I teach kids and make grammar real fun, I could give you some ideas but not sure it would be age-appropriate. Though the adults I have taught have enjoyed the methodology.

I basically go this way:

First, I ask the kids if they know why some easy words would ever have an 'S' at the end of it. We all know 'dog' and 'cat', but why would we write these words this way 'dogs' or 'cats'?

Many already know, but some genuinely have no idea except to say 'Because English is difficult and stupid!'

I choose one student (usually the smartest) and he/she will proudly stand up and let everyone hear him or her "Because if there is more than one of something, we add 's' to it, teacher!" The student then waits for his or her classmates to be amazed at how clever the kid is.

That's when I knock the kid off of his or her high horse.

"No!" I say in a booming voice.

"But my Chinese teacher said....", the student interjects.

"Where is your Chinese teacher from?" I ask.

"China", the student replies.

"And when your teacher was a child, did he or she grow up speaking English, or Chinese?"

"Chinese, teacher."

"And what about me? Did I grow up speaking English?"

"Yes, teacher."

"So believe me when I tell you this: The reason we add 'S' to the end of 'dog' or 'cat' is NOT (and I stress this word in a long roll) NOOOT because there is more than one dog or cat."

At this point, my Chinese teaching assistant grabs my arm and pulls me aside. "Great Wall of Whiner, please do not teach our students such lies! You are teaching them false English! Oh my Lady Gaga!!!!"

Then, I take my finger and place it on the assistant's tender lips while making a soft 'ssshhhh' sound.

I then smugly ask her a question: "One dog, two dogs. Is this correct?"

The teaching assistant then replies' "Oh yes my dear teacher. This is what I have trying to s---"

"SILENCE!!!" I order her in a bellowing voice while pointing at her.

She takes a step back and bows.

Then I ask her "My dear assistant. One dog, zero ____? Please complete this sentence."

She pauses. Thinks. Then concedes to her great teaching master, "My dearest teacher, it is 'One dog, zero dogs' that is correct."

"A--HA!!!!!", I shout."But 'zero' is not 'more than one', is it?"

She shakes her head. "No, it is not."

"So, this very clever student just said that we add 'S' if the word is 'more than one', and I said that the student was wrong. Am I right to say this student is wrong?"

"My dear teacher, as always, you are right."

"So, my little padawan learners, the reason we add an 'S' to words such as 'dog' or 'cat' is because it isn't singular. It isn't because it is plural. It isn't because it is 'more than one', because zero, minus ten, and negative twelve are all 'less than one', not 'more than one', yet we add 'S' to them!

"For example, minus three degrees. Negative 12 points. Zero pens."

At this point, all the students, teachers, teaching assistants, bosses, kings, queens, even Dashan himself all stand up and bow three times. Then bow to the North, South, East, and finally the West, before bowing one final time and sitting back down in a roar of applause and cheering their great wise teacher.

[To be continued....]

[The Great Wall of Whiner]

The time had come to discuss certain words like 'box', 'bus', 'match' and 'ash'. As we all know, we add 'es' and not simply 's'. Again, my teaching assistant dared to question my mastery of English grammar. And once again, I put her in her place....

I wrote a few words on the whiteboard (these being 'box', 'match', 'bus' and 'ash'). Then, I asked a student to write them as if there were two of them. The most clever student was afraid to raise his hand, as he recalled being shot down over his snide little 'more than one' comment.

But another student, Sally, who is almost equally as clever, raised her hand. Albeit slowly I should mention.

"Teacher, do we add 'es' to the end of those words?" she cautiously asked.

"Perhaps we do, Sally. Perhaps we do. But Sally, why would we add 'es' to the ends of these words?" I quizzed her.

She was careful with her words. "Great Wise Teacher, I believe it is because the sound of the 's' cannot integrate properly with the sounds of 'ch', 'x', 'sh' or another 's'. The sound is too complex and the syntax is all off."

I was clearly disappointed with such an novice answer, but I gave her one last chance to redeem herself.

I commanded her to come to the front of the class, and then really let her know my dismay. "Sally! That was a terrible answer! You were only half correct! For an eight year-old, I expect much better than that!"

She bowed, then said that this was what she was taught by her Chinese teacher. I reminded her who was the 'Foreign Expert' and that the word 'Expert' should hold more weight if she wanted to do well on her National University Entrance Exams in about ten years' time.

My delightful teaching assistant however, interjected. "My great Master Teacher, this is what we are taught, so it must be true. For everything we are told by our Chinese English teachers are always true."

I looked at my teaching assistant with utter scorn. I questioned her accuracy, "Would you include your drivel about 'more than one'?"

She seemed to want to say something, but she shook her head and mumbled something similar to "except maybe that rule, which I concede is false teachings..."

Then, I explained it the way a child would understand. After all, she is but a lowly teacher's assistant, whereas I am the Great Wise Teacher who lives on the top of the world's tallest mountain.

"You see, that child gave me such a complex answer that children at that age cannot possibly expect to remember." Then I completely ignored my wonderfully educated Chinese English teacher's assistant and turned my attention to my young pupil, Sally.

"Your name is Sally. This is your English name. I gave this name to you three years ago when you were but a wee little lass. There are no other girls in our school named 'Sally'. Do you know why?"

She began to answer but I put an end to her attempt. "That was a rhetorical question, Sally."

"If there were more than one 'Sally', it would be complicated. In fact, you yourself would not like having another 'Sally' in our class, would you?" I emphasized this point by asking Mary to stand up. "Your English name is now Sally." I then turned to Betty. "And you, Betty, will also change your English name to 'Sally', all right?"

Both girls shook their heads in disapproval. But the biggest protester was the original Sally. "But teacher, I am Sally. Not Mary nor Betty!"

At that moment, I asked all of the 'Sallys' to sit down or return to their seats. Then I explained the grammatical implications of the entire episode.

"My dear students, this word here 'bus' ends with an 's'. When another 's' comes along, the original 's' cannot bear it. In fact, an 's' looks like a sneaky slimy snake. And so, the original 's' shouts out very loudly 'E!' out of fear. Suddenly, an 'e' comes along and asks the original 's' "Did you call me? Now I am here!" and the original 's' replies "Yes, dear 'e', oh yes. Please protect me from this other 's' that is coming towards me! I can't bear him!" At this point, the 'e' says "I am a security guard. I will protect you!" and so the 'e' stands in between the two 's's' and keeps them separated."

I continued on, "And this is the same with 'box', my dear children. 'X' Cannot bear 's' either. Nor can 'ch' nor can 'sh'. They all shout 'E!!!!' whenever as 's' approaches."

Then, as the lesson drew to a close, every student stood up and gave a rousing warm round of applause, bowed to the four corners of the world, gave the teacher a final bow, and sat down into their chairs like little angels waiting to be dismissed from yet another English class.

[to be continued]

[The Great Wall of Whiner]

Tomatoes, Potatoes, and Photos

This is sometimes difficult to master, but there is a simple way. The Chinese way is to simply remember all the English words in the world that end in 'o' and then remember which ones end in 's' and which ones end in 'es'. Simple?

Of course not!

But with some simple imagination and determination and education and self-indoctrination and add a little indignation and sensation, you too can get your kids to remember these rules....

GWoW: If we have a word that ends in 'o', and we want to pluralize it, what do we add to the end?
Clever Pupil: Teacher, we add 'es'.
GWoW: And why is that?
Clever Pupil: Because 'o' is a vowel.
GWoW: No!!!!!! [points angrily at the student]
Clever Pupil: [wipes away tears] But our Chinese English teacher...
GWoW: Need I remind you that English is not your teacher's mother tongue?
Clever Pupil:No, sir. As always, you are correct as usual.
GWoW: Does the 'photo' end with a vowel?
Naughty Pupil: No, teacher. A photo always ends with a click of the button on the camera.
GWoW: [stone cold-faced glaze of death into the camera, breaking the 3rd person rule in the media]
Clever Pupil: Yes, it is a v--- [realizing his mistake, he opens the window and jumps out, fearing the alternative punishment]
GWoW: That student who just leaped out of the window told us that we add 'es' to words than end in a vowel. But then he caught himself in his own lie as realizing that we end 'photo' with an 's', instead of an 'es'.
Naughty Pupil: So, teacher. How can we know which ends with 's' and which ends in 'es'?
GWoW: Simple! Can you eat a mango?
Pupil: Yes.
GWoW:Can you eat a tomato?
Pupil:Yes.
GWoW:Can you eat a potato?
Naughty Pupil:No.
GWoW: Why not?
Naughty Pupil: I'm allergic to starch.
GWoW: [points to the open window, student jumps out]
Pupil: Yes, we can eat potatoes. They are edible vegetables.
GWoW: Very good. Now, can you eat a photo?
Pupil:No, sir. We would get ill or choke on it.
GWoW: Exactly. Snakes can't eat photos either. And an 's' is like a snake. It wants to eat the tomato, the potato, and the mango.
Pupil: But not the photo.
GWoW:Now you're catching on!
Pupil:That's because I have the best Foreign Expert in the world.
GWoW:Naturally.
Pupil:But, teacher. What purpose does the 'e' serve?
GWoW:It is a security guard. It protects the food from being eaten. The 'o' shouts 'E!' and 'e' quickly comes in between the 'o' and the 'e'.
Pupil:But the 'o' in photo is not afraid. Why not?
GWoW:Because snakes don't want to eat photos! The snake just wanted his picture taken.
All the Pupils:Ahhh! MING BAI!
GWoW:This is very important to remember.
Pupil:Are there exceptions to this rule?
GWoW:Of course. Just give me some examples. I will explain to you the easy way.
Pupil:Avocado
GWoW:Can you eat it?
Pupil:Yes.
GWoW:So guess the correct answer.
Pupil:Avocadoes?
GWoW:No.
Pupil:Avacados?
GWoW:No.
Dr. William Brant, PhD English Grammar:Avocadi.
GWoW:In fact, that is the hyper-correct answer. Get out, who asked you to be in my class anyways?
Dr. William Brant, PhD English Grammar:I am studying English in your class, oh Wise Great Teacher.
GWoW:Did you pay the fee to the secretary?
Dr. William Brant, PhD English Grammar:There is a fee?
GWoW: [points to window, watches the good doctor jump out]
Pupil:I think 'avocadoes' is fine, sir.
GWoW:I think that you are fine, too. All forms are indeed correct, but stick with what is easy and you will never fail.

[All students bow to the four directions, and finally the teacher.]


Curtain close...

[The Great Wall of Whiner]

To V.... or Not To V? (That is the question!)


Indeed. Many students want to write 'leafs' and 'wifes' and 'lifes'. 'The Toronto Maple Leaves?' To be true, there are situations where one might use these forms.But not in MY classroom...

There is a leaf. A little 's' comes along. The 'f', who fears the 's' shouts out 'E!!!!!' and 'e' comes along and protects the poor helpless and innocent little 'f'. But the 'f' is a little scaredy-cat. He cringes when the 's' approaches and shinks into the fetal position and raises his hands up in the air shouting 'E!! E!! Save me!!!!'

Thus, the 'f' turns into a 'v'.

*Note: There is a computer game very popular in China called "Plants VS. Zombies." One of the plants you can use (a mushroom in fact, and not actually a plant per say) behaves in the same manner as our little frightened friend, the 'f'.

'Wife', 'life' and 'strife' all share this trait. The 'f' is scared, and turns into a little 'v' when he sights the approaching 's'. However, 'e' is already there so there is no need for another redundant 'e' to come at 'f's' beck and call (budget cuts have also affected grammar, and security guards are commanding higher salaries these days).

Simple lesson, simple idea. No need to make things harder than they all ready are or keep things boring.

[The Great Wall of Whiner]

The final Word on Plurals...

As I stand behind my podium, marker in one hand and pointer in the other, I begin the final lesson on plurals. All students are in attendance, and even the Queen of England, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second is present (on the note of my Five Pound British Pound Sterling sitting neatly in my wallet and also my Canadian Loonie (Canadian name for the one-dollar coin).

One mouse, in the house.
Ten mice, not nice!

[Applause]

One stinky foot kicks you, you say "oo!"
A pair of them under your nose, you say "ee!"

[Applause]

One foot, two feet.
One goose, two geese.
One tooth, two teeth.

[Applause]

*Note: (In Chinese, goose is 'e'. Yes, simply, the letter 'e'. There are two 'e's' in 'geese', and this helps me teach this to Chinese learners).

[All Chinese nod their heads, but only because a large truck just passed by and shook the walls a bit]

One boot, two boots.

Not beets.

This is because a beet is another word in English and thus just like having 'two Sally's' we do not want two 'beets'.

[Applause]

Deer, sheep, fish. Changing form is not their wish.
Fish, sheep, deer. Changing form is their only fear.
Deer, fish, sheep. Not one change, not one peep.

[Applause]

I make a stern-looking face.

Octopus. Octopuses.

Remember, 's' shouts 'E!' when another 's' approaches. Yes, some smart Alec will say "Octopi, teacher! Octopi!! I saw it in my obscure book entitled 'How to Piss Off Your English Teacher'!!

A word on 'hyper-correct' plurals:

These are generally objectionable by most English grammar masters. Keep it simple, don't attempt to force English to be any more complex than it already is.

[Applause, standing ovation]

I picked up some of the flowers thrown at me and left the school with my entourage.

[The Great Wall of Whiner]

So, yea. You can make English fun and people (both adults AND kids) will love to learn it, and learn to love it. If the lessons are boring Chinese-style lessons (ie, remember these words, say them 10000000 times until you remember them) your success rate and test scores will drop faster than the US dollar.

True, you can try to manipulate the grades, and just peg them at the same grades as other more successful students, thus giving out false grades, but the ramifications are beyond the scope of what we are discussing here.

I hope these gave you, and EVERYONE some good ideas. Feel free to use them.

-GWoW

[Insubordination]

O Wise One! If it is not too familiar, willst thou marry me?

[Guerciotti]

[askiptochina]

All rules have exceptions, except this one